Letters to Noah

Family Pictures

2012-02-07T11:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Noah,

Life is sweet- I'm sure you've looked down on us lately and noticed how happy life is. Day to day we spend with people we love, talk to those who aren't as close, and find ways to honour your memory.

Family vacations, family pictures, family weddings- are all hard spots for me. After you died I didn't think there would ever be a time when I would be happy, not truly happy. Now, I am happy-- but there is always a 'but'. ... You aren't here. You will always be missing on vacations, and pictures and partys and weddings.

We, your family will never, ever forget you. But I feel like you are little, by little being forgotten by the world. I feel the need to do more things in your memory, to include you in photos and in posts.

We had family pictures taken a few weeks ago. I missed you. We brought your Milton Froggy with us for the pictures. Here is one:)

I love how your sister holds your froggy with such care. She is getting to know you. She calls you 'Buffa Norwah', and she smiles when she looks at your pictures.

Both of you are blessings to us. You both have changed my world.

I love you Noah, and miss you so much. What I would do for another cuddle, another day, another minute.

Love you forever,

Mummy

A long time

2012-01-03T19:47:00.001-05:00

Noah Bear,

It's been a long time since I posted here. Longer than I ever thought it would be. I've written- I just haven't published the posts. I keep thinking that my posts aren't 'good enough', or might be taken the wrong way, or in a different way than I intended! really- I think I care too much about what other people think.and I hate that that feeling has affected my blog- the place I used to feel so safe writing.

Christmas has come and gone- and so has 2011. It was a good year, as years without you go. Charlotte keeps us very busy, and life continues to be busy too.

All through our busy life, we don't stop remembering you, and thinking of you. Wondering, wishing, hoping.

Christmas was quite fun this year- Your sister actually understood a bit about it- she knew it was special, she knew is was fun, she loved the presents and the whole idea of santa claus. It was so nice to see her face- innocent and full of wonder, surprise and glee as she saw the Christmas tree lights, hung her stocking, say the presents under the tree, heard the Christmas crackers open at the dinner table.... but as always, there was something missing. I caught myself many times wondering how the moment might be different with you here.. with a little 3 1/2 year old running around with that precious little 2 year old. Wishing you were here to share in the joy of Christmas.

Every year since you were born your Grammie has gotten you an ornament. It's a nice tradition. She gets one for Charlotte as well. Our tree is full of 'Noah' things- frogs and g-rafs, angels and butterflies, and now, 4 little ornaments from Grammie! Of course, there is lots of other things on the tree too.

Charlotte is beginning to learn more about you. She knows your picture, calls you Noraw (not to be confused with 'NaNa', which is what she calls her cousin, Norah). Ama took Charlotte to a production called 'Love you Forever' where a production company acted out a few different Robert Munsch books. Ever since then, Charlotte has been obsessed with the song 'Love You Forever', whish is the song I quote everytime I close a blogspot to you. She sings it to her baby, sings it to be, and asks to be sung it at least 5 times a day. It's comforting to sing that song.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

I only wish I could be singing it with Charlotte AND you in my arms.

Merry Christmas Baby Bear

Love you forever,
Mummy

Here is a not so good quality picture of the 2009 ornament from Grammie! It's a little boy angel on a candle, and it says 'sleep in heavenly peace'

Wonderful, HeartBreaking Moment

2011-09-04T09:12:00.003-04:00

Dear Noah,

Today is Mummy's birthday. I'm 30. It's funny, because when I was little, 30 seemed so, so, so old. It seemed as if when you are 30 your life is almost over. When I was little I felt like all 30 year olds had life all figured out, their plans had been made and fulfilled. My plan was to have finished having all of my family by the time I was 30. Who knows, maybe I am finished. We'll have to see what the next few years bring for Mummy's aging, and fertility - challenged womb. I guess 30 means I am all grown up. Somedays I really don't feel like it- and other days, I feel like I have aged enough in the past few years that I should be a 70 year old women.

I wanted to tell you about a moment I had with your sister the other day. We were playing in her playroom (you would love it! it's cat in the hat themed- with yellow walls, and all the books, toys and craft supplies you would ever want.) We were playing with Charlotte's babies, because right now, she loves babies. Mummy had her locket on that Grammie gave me soon after you died. Charlotte loves necklaces, so she was playing with it while it was on Mummy's neck. I said 'gentle' and so she started to rub the locket instead of pulling on it (your sister is slowly learning to be more gentle!! it's taken a while!)
Then she said 'see, see', which means she wants to see something more closely.
So I opened up the locket

Charlotte said 'E', which means Baby

and I said ' yes, That's Noah. '

'NoNah' said Charlotte (which is what she calls cousin Norah, so I'm not sure if she thought you were Norah or not!)

Then I said 'Brother Noah'

and Charlotte said 'Buffa', gave your picture a kiss, and said 'awwww, Buffa'.

This melted Mummy's heart, and broke it at the same time. I want her to know you and love you, she will know you and love you. But I so, so want things to be different. I want her to KNOW you , really, and truly know you- play with you, argue with you, play games with you... This was a perfectly, wonderful, yet heartbreaking moment.

Charlotte is young, very young. She isn't going to understand about you, her brother, for a while yet. But I will keep talking to her about you for now, ad forever- at her level, to help her understand that you were here, you are with us, and you are loved. Loved like any other brother or sister than may grace us with their precious presence. Loved, like she is loved- without all the same cuddles, and kisses.

I love you Noah.
Forever and ever, and ever, and ever- you are my baby boy!

Love you forever,
Mummy

I wonder... and the cemetery

2011-07-19T09:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,

My sweet, sweet boy.

It's been a while since I've written. It's not because you're forgotten. You'll never be forgotten.

I"m glad you'll never need to know about grief, Noah. You'll never have to feel the pain, and loneliness, you'll never have to experience the awkwardness from 'friends' and the bittersweet feeling of many things that follow.

Grief changes, all the time. At the beginning, it was just so strong- all I could think about- all I could focus on- all I was.
Now, I'm still grieving, I always will be. But it's different.It comes in waves- sometimes unexpected waves. I'm always thinking about you- but sometimes- the thoughts still overwhelm me. I could be playing tea party with Charlotte, or getting dinner prepared, we could be at the park, or driving in the car. The why and what if questions appear. But mostly, lately- the 'I wonder's'. I wonder what you'd be like? what you'd look like? what would your temperament be? what would be your favorite toy? would we be in the same life stage as we are now as a family?
Answers to these questions, I will never know. Yet, I know, that I will never stop asking them. No- I don't ask them out loud. They are in the busy space in my head- circling around while I am trying to get by with my days. They are always there- waiting to be answered- but knowing they never will be.
It's almost like an evil game my brain is playing. However- not so evil- because it does mean I'm thinking of you.

We were in Ontario a for a couple of weeks. It was great to be there. First we went to Kingston to visit with Grammie and Grampie and other family and friends, and then we went to Mississauga to visit friends we made while we lived in there.

It was nice to visit the cemetery and your tree again. Your Grammie is keeping up your spot at the cemetery very well, and your tree- well it keeps up itself!
Being at the cemetery is almost like an out of body experience for me. I don't feel like I get overwhelmed with emotions there, I just sort of feel empty. I"m not sure if this is normal. Maybe I've distanced myself because of the physical distance, that I've always had from the cemetery- but I think the most likely reason is that in order to save myself from going into the deep dark whole of thinking about the physical remains of the boy in the ground beneath my feet- my brain chooses to save itself- and think of the happy memories- his beautiful eyes, skin and hair. My brain chooses to look at the stone and clean it, to make sure it hasn't shifted or sunk, to look at the grass.... I don't want to think of Noah as a dead boy in a casket, doing as all dead bodies do. In reality I understand, of course, that this is the case- I"m not insane, or stupid. I just know that the more I think about this, the less time I'm honouring his life by thinking about him as himself- as the spirit of him.
I'm not sure if this makes sense. Perhaps the cemetery is supposed to be a place that makes you sad, and brings back those thoughts. I think my mind does a good job of sheltering me from the big black whole of depression.

Noah- I think we were with us on vacation.
There were things all around- some I noticed and some others noticed.
I saw a lot of little while butterflies (or maybe moths, I'm unsure) on my trip. One of the was flying around your tree and Hope, Avery, Charlotte and I were there. I saw a rainbow more than once- and it hardly rained. I felt comforted when I was alone- was that you making me feel loved? At the carnival in Brampton, there are thousands of little stuffed animals that are given out to children who play games. Avery and Charlotte didn't get any- because they aren't old enough to realize they get them, and we have ENOUGH stuffed animals!!... but... Leah, the little girl whose family puts on this free carnival in memory of her Brother, Lucas, came over, and gave Charlotte and Avery a little mini frog to play with. Leah doesn't know that frogs remind us of you. Isn't it amazing how you show up.
I hope you continue to do it.
and I hope I continue to notice.

Charlotte and I visiting the cemetery

Your little g-raf made by Uncle Steve, your picture, and the figure from Rome from Ama and Poppy.

Charlotte using your stone as a car track.... that's ok right?

Your tree- looks so nice and bright and red compared to the green around it!

can you spot the butterfly Mummy put in the tree last year?

Charlotte running around your tree.

I love you Noah.

I love you so, so much.

I'll never be a princess, not all my wishes will ever come true without you.

Love you forever,

Mummy

A 'What if' Day

2011-06-10T07:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,

I love you, my boy.

I love you so very much that the world does not have enough words to describe it.

It's that love that makes the pain so hard.

More love = more pain, I think.

Mummy is home today with your sister. I love being home with her, playing with her, watching her drink her milk, and fall asleep in my arms.

But, I'm having a 'What if' sort of day.
What if- you were here?
What if you hadn't died?
What if... What if... What if...

I love you baby boy. Yesterday, today and tomorrow too.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Grief is Hard

2011-05-24T19:40:00.000-04:00

Grief is Hard.

I don`t really notice how hard it is much anymore, since it is my normal state.

But it`s hard.

Nothing is the same.

Everything is different.

There are many times when 1000 thoughts and scenerios go through my head. At least once a day I just wish I could talk freely and openly about Noah. But- rarely is it `the time, or the place`.

I want people at my new job to know me- but they don`t know the true real me. What shapes me, makes me who I am. Why I am the one who doesn`t join in on conversation discussing how much life was so GREAT before children. I`m sure, at some point, I will tell those who I become close to at my work. I will have to.

Even blogging is different.

I`m just not into it as much anymore. I love to write to Noah, and to write random posts- for myself. It used to help me- it use to be an outlet for me. It still is to a certain extent. But I`ve been feeling more and more latly like I just can`t write what I`m feeling. Like... when I have a need to write a post, I don`t have the time, and when I have the time... I don`t have a post.

I guess maybe this is a sign that I am able to deal with my grief in a different way, or that I have less occasion where I need an outlet. I suppose this is a good thing.

But I miss it. I miss pouring my heart out.. being true to myself through writing... feeling close to Noah through my writing. I miss the comments....

I just miss my son.

and there`s nothing I can do about it.

Noah,

I love you so, so, so much. You are forever my baby boy, and I will love you forever.

You are Special. You are loved.

Love you Forever,

Mummy

Kindergarten

2011-05-07T17:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,

Since Thursday, I've had an awful feeling in my tummy- something I need off my chest- something I can only say to you- and, this is the only way I can say it. Other Baby Loss Mama's will understand, I think..

I've taught a lot this week (I'm a substitute teacher). And, on Thursday, I was in a school I haven't been to a lot, in for Special Education. At one point, I was working with a student in a kindergarten class. While in the class we were helping the children finish up their Mother's Day bookmarks they had made, since tomorrow is Mother's Day here in Canada.
Then, out of the blue, the teacher asked me, what she thought, I'm sure, was an innocent question. 'Ms Lloyd, Do you have children?' Now, this wasn't to the side of the class, this was over a table of 10, 5 and 6 year olds.
I said, 'Yes, I do'- sometimes (not often), but sometimes, that is where the discussion ends.. but no- 'Oh, How many, and how old?'. Well what felt like 30 seconds later, but was probably only 1.5 seconds, I said '1, She's 18 months' ... ONE, one, 1. I said 1. I rarely do that. Because I know- I feel like this. I feel like I am betraying my son- betraying my first born, betraying myself, my husband.... everything.
What was I to do? The discussion was going to go on (and did- she asked about daycare, and how she took the move etc....). I could have said 'Two, 18 months, and 3' or 'Two, my oldest would be have been 3 and my youngest is 18 months' , but then, eventually, with the next questions, I would have had to have said something about him dying as an infant--- in the middle of a Kindergarten class.

Not that kids shouldn't hear that- because it is a reality. BUT- from a substitute teacher they just met, helping them with their mother's day bookmarks.... catching their teacher off guard... at a school where I WANT to be called back often, and I don't want to distance myself from the staff... tricky situation.

I think I probably did the right thing for myself, at the time. Although, making myself feel this way is never right. It was what needed to be done.
I'm glad it didn't just come right out of my mouth, as ONE, I'm glad I had to think about what to say given the situation. It makes me feel a little less like I am a bad mother to Noah.

OH, the things we have to deal with, that no mother should.
It sucks. It really does.
and on the eve of Mother's Day.. I am a little off altogether- bad mood and all.

I just wish that I didn't have to feel some sense of guilt when I talk about ym children- whether I choose to omit one, or choose to tell all-- there is always some sort of guilt that I am betraying Noah, or on the other side, guilt that I am making the people I am with, or the people I am talking to see bad, sad, pity etc.

I guess I just can't win!

I love you Noah.. Sorry this wasn't a warm and cooshy letter! But you know you have my heart!

Love you forever,

Mummy

:) I may have seen a few of these faces, had I gone on to tell my true story!

Easter Frog

2011-04-21T13:18:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter Noah!

The past few easter's have been bitter sweet for Mummy. Especially religiously.
Church and the bible talk about dying, and living again- and I know it's a special resurrection- the resurrection of Jesus Christ- not a normal human circumstance. But it still makes me sad that YOU didn't come back to Mummy. I know- you were made new in Heaven- no pain, no crying, no yucky tubes in your mouth, and no doctors poking you.. but you also don't have your Mummy. and that is sad.

This year Daddy and Charlotte and I are going to Harbour Breton for Easter. You were there when you were in Mummy's tummy- twice! We will go visit Great Granddaddy's and Great Poppy and Nanny's grave at the cemetery there- they are all right next to each other.

Here is an Easter frog for you- I saw it and it reminds me of you- everything froggy or giraffe-like does!

I love you Noah.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Love you Forever

2011-04-08T11:31:00.000-04:00

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

This book gets me everytime- I've liked this book since I was a little girl and My Mummy would read it to me.
Maybe you'd be something like this little guy on the cover- being a little mischievous- but just so cute and curious!
Today we remember you- our last moments with you- that out of body experience that happened when we lost you- you were going to die- there was nothing we could do about it.

I love you Noah- thank you for being you. I love that I had 2 days with you- I'm so glad that I get to be your mum, and that I got to kiss your sweet face. It was so nice to see the love on your daddy's face, and the pride in your grandparents eyes.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Because Every 3 Year Old Loves Taco's.... right?

2011-04-07T20:29:00.001-04:00

Dear Noah Bear,

Well- although you weren't here for your 3rd birthday- we had a little get together anyway. Daddy and I figured that it would be nice to have some people around on your birthday- to celebrate you- not to have a birthday party- but to celebrate the day that you were born, and we became parents!
We invited Auntie and Unca and Tomas, as well as Tomas' girlfriend Aria, and her Mum and Gram. and of course- our Gram came too! Grandma and Poppy would have been there too- but they are in Rome right now!
Yesterday Mummy and Daddy got 3 lots of flowers! It was a lovely surprise!

Then came dinner- we had tacos... because... well-- Mummy LOVES tacos- and she figures that every 3 year old boy must love tacos too! I'm thinking I am going to make it a thing- tacos on your birthday! it's a fun, happy meal! And.. it's easy to make- I cute all the veggies etc. the night before! Here is your little sister eating her tacos- well... the taco ingredients anyway- she is too little to figure out the whole rolling of the taco thing!

Then- we had cupcakes! Auntie Denise made them- YUM!

After Dinner- your sister had fun with your cousin and friends- she had to work off all that cupcakeness!!

Latly your sister is LOVING her baby doll- she puts a diaper on her, and covers her in a blanket, hugs and kisses her and pushes her in a stroller. I bet you would have been such a good big brother to your sister- and I'm sure one day, Charlotte will make a good big sister too.

Charlotte had her froggie pj's on last night- just for you!

Peek-A-Boo!

tired after all that play and food!

and... the three grandchildren! Norah, Noah and Charlotte!

Did you have a good birthday? I hope your little friends and your Nan and Grandfathers celebrated with you! I miss you so much Noah Bear. So, so, So, so much!

3 years seems like a long time, but it's nothing compared to the lifetime ahead of me without you.

I love you forever,

Mummy

Birthday Boy

2011-04-06T05:00:00.020-04:00

Dear Noah,

It's your birthday! Your 3rd Birthday!

I"m going to try and not make this a 'pity party' about how you should be waking me up jumping on the bed saying 'It's My birfday It's my birfday'.. opening presents, eating cake, getting whatever YOU want for dinner. I should be singing to you, and hugging you and kissing you as much as I can.

Instead, I will say.

I love you. You are forever my baby boy- but now, are my big boy too. Forever in my heart- forever alive in my heart and soul.
You are Three.
Three years ago today you made me a mother. Something I had been wanting since I was a little girl playing with dollies. No one can ever take that away from us- You made me a mother.
I love you Noah.
I love you so much.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Here you are- 3 years ago today. Still with the cream in your eyes, just welcomed to the world. You had us from this moment.We thought we'd have you in our arms forever. You are ours- and only physically are you gone. You are loved Noah. Then, Today, Forever.

Imagine

2011-03-31T20:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,

I love you baby bear. It's so hard to imagine that you are almost 3. It should be so easy to imagine.
Mother's aren't supposed to feel like this.

On a better note- I got lots of mail today! Even a card from Grammie for your birthday!

So many people love and miss you- I just wish we didn't have to do the missing.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Little Joys: Mail

2011-03-24T13:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,

Mummy just LOVES getting mail.
Really any mail- cards and letters, bills and flyers- I just love mail! It may sound weird to some, but there is some sort of satisfying part of having my name written on something that I get to open up- like a little surprise. Obviously- cards and letters, happy notes and things are so, so much more exciting then junk mail and bills, I'm not crazy. But I do love going to the mail box and finding a surprise! From what I can remember there has been only one piece of mail that I absolutely despised getting, and that was the 'Todays Parent' magazine that arrived at my house a few days after you died. Yikes- that was a kick in the pants. Daddy, your wonderful daddy, threw the magazine in the recycling bin and called right away and cancelled the subscription- no questions asked.

I love mail, and so I try to send mail as often as I can. I try to remember to keep family updated with photos of your sister- sometimes I send cards for no particular reason at all! Of course, there are times when I forget important birthdays... but, we all do that I think!

I've been so lucky to have some friends who send me mail now and then! It's so wonderful. it seems to be that the busiest friends seem to take time to send mail.

It is at times like these, months like these that mail becomes extra special to me- a reason to get off the couch and check the mail box- something to look forward too.

What is extra special is when people send me cards and mention YOU! I love seeing your name, hearing your name. I love when people acknowledge your existence and your presence in my life, and even in theirs! This week, I got two cards from friends- for your birthday! One was even addressed to you- something I've never had before! What a blessing it is to get mail- to get mail that reminds me of you- to get mail that reminds me that people remember you- people who never met you, remember you- people who never met you, have been impacted by you. Here are the two cards I've gotten- both froggie cards- which makes them extra special, and extra YOU!

and Look! this one was addressed to you!

That is special to me, and to your daddy. we don't have a lot to hold on to- and we certainly have nothing 'new' that was yours. So, it is so nice to get mail that reminds us of you! What a blessing it is!

These next couple weeks will be difficult. It's the third time around now- Noah's birthday, without Noah. From experience, I'm expecting the lead up to his birthday to be much worse than the actual day- but to have an overall mad, sad, lazy, depressing, angry month.

I love you Noah. I'm going to try to be a happy Mummy for you and Charlotte- but sometimes, I just can't help it.
I miss you little boy- I know you aren't a baby anymore, but you'll always be Mummy's baby boy.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Noah's 3rd Birthday - Donation Drive

2011-03-20T15:03:00.000-04:00

Noah's 3rd birthday is just around the corner. I'm not planning a pool party, or a truck themed party for 10 little 3 year old boys, I'm not looking through the Toys R Us flyer- finding deals on what every 3year old boy wants for their birthday, I'm not trying to keep a 3 year old from being over the top hyper for a whole 2 weeks before his birthday because he is so excited.

Instead- I'm remember those two wonderful days we had together, and of course, the terrible grief that comes with what followed.

Last year I decided that each year, around Noah's birthday- I will make a donation to a charity- one which is in memory of a baby who has died, or goes to help other children in hospital, or living with critical illnesses. Each year, I will let people know via. email, facebook and my blog what I am doing- and invite them to help me.

Last year, I donated to Doing Good In Her Name, in memory of little Peyton Binder, Kristin's daughter.

This year, I am donating money to an Endowment fund that has been set up in Memory of Noah! My father set up an endowment fund soon after Noah died- this Fund will eventually be a yearly scholarship. It is given through Memorial University of Newfoundland. The Fund, background of the award, and how to donate can all be found RIGHT HERE. Tax recipts will be mailed to your home, and there is an option to donate online, or to download and print a pledge card, and send the donation by mail. If you do not want to do either, you can mail me a cheque, or paypal me money, and I can fill out a pledge card for you.

The Noah Awards is very important to our family- and we just can't wait to get the fund up to an amount where scholorships can be given out. Here is an excerpt from the website/brochure:

The Noah Awards are:

The Noah Scholarship, which is awarded to a medical student, resident, or graduate student in a health related discipline, who is planning a career in a primary healthcare discipline.
The Noah Research Award, which is awarded to a researcher in a primary healthcare discipline.
The Noah Education Award, which is awarded to an educator in a primary healthcare discipline.

Each award winner must have succeeded through hard work and perseverance, and displayed humility and gentleness of character in approching work and life.

Financing for the Noah Awards is provided through the Noah Curtis Godwin Lloyd Endowment Fund. The fund is dependent on donations from Noah’s family as well as others who want to support primary healthcare and help us remember Baby Noah.

Will you help me? Will you spread the word?

Here is the link again!

I understand completely that some people are not a financially able to donate- and I too understand that there are so many organizations and charities asking for money- even in the baby loss world.

Please- continue to think of us, and pray for us- especially over the next few weeks as we celebrate our son and the day of his birth.

Peace and Love
Hope and Rainbows

Jane

Greek Yogurt

2011-03-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

Costco... picked up some yogurt.... automatically looked at expiry date... April 6....

What? April 6th is coming up already. Can't be. Every year at some point in March I look at something and there it is- Noah's birthday.

It's a good reminder. A reminder of so many precious moments, memories and feelings... but not enough. And these precious moments, memories and feelings are now tainted by the memories, moments and feelings from April 8th and the days following.

For some reason- April 6th catches me off guard. Every time I see it. Every.time.

Noah would be 3 years old this April 6th. I would already know how to 'walk through' the toddler years with a child- perfecting it with Charlotte. I would know what the 'terrible twos' would be like- how can they be terrible if your child's alive?

So much I wish for... so much never to know.

It's hard. But it's real.

Instead- I'll do something I can do- Hold my darling girl a little closer, make sure she knows about her big brother, and do everything in my power to keep Noah's beautiful spirit alive.

I love you forever Noah. But you already know that!

Mummy

Sometimes I wonder

2011-02-25T20:06:00.000-05:00

I think since Noah died I've done a lot more 'thinking', a lot more 'day dreaming', a lot more wondering, reliving, what if-ing....
Sometimes I wonder just how much I've changed, and how I've changed.
I am I, and so, I don't know! Well, that's not entirely true- I know I've changed a bit- In some ways I'm much more compassionate, and in some ways, I just don't give a damn anymore.
I wish I was in the minds of those who knew me before and after Noah's short life... I wish I knew how I've changed.
It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall of a conversation between colleagues at my old place of work, or between family members when I'm not around.
I think I've learned to just zone out when something triggers a 'bad day'. It's like I have desensitized myself, taught myself to 'be normal', by just not feeling.
And this isn't all the time- beleive me I have some awfully bad days sometimes. bad days that probably look bad to anyone who has the unfortunate luck to grace my path on that day.
But often- I just... go blank, zone out.
I don't want to. I've learned it's good to feel.
Often I hear other people bad news- and I'm completly desensitized- sure I feel sad for them- or at least I know I should.
Maybe this wonderful community I have had the unfortunate experience of being a part of (the BLMs) are all this way in my stage of grief.. I don't know.. but it's weird.

I'm not even sure I'm making sense. I guess it is that, most days, I don't feel the major highs and lows of emotion- I think it's that I don't let myself. I just stay 'even keel Jane'... low reaction, low excitment.. just blah.

Humm.. weird.
Is it weird?
Do you guys feel this way sometimes too?

Jane

Dearest Noah Bear
I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.
You are the bestest little boy in Mummy's eyes- always and forever my first baby, the one who made me a mother. The boy who has a piece of my heart!

Love you forever,
Mummy

he was here...

2011-02-05T12:18:00.001-05:00

I just finished a statistics canada telephone survey that took 1hr and 4 minutes to complete.... and not even a mention about my son... Sure they asked how many pregnancies I've had... and how old I was when I was pregnant. But since I had to list the people living in my house, I guess the assumed I misscarried the first pregnancy. They didn't ask me how many live births I had. I guess if you say how many living people are in the house- and you only say one child- then the other must have no made it to birth..... in their eyes.

I really wanted to jump through the phone and say- Hey Stats. Can.- babies die- my baby died- he should be here living with us in this house- you should ask me about his sleep patterns, eating, and motor skills- like you did Charlotte... but... I wouldn't know the answer- because he isn't here. But he WAS here.. He existed- but to you- that's not even worth ink- since it isn't even written down.
I don't know why this frustrated me.. but it did.
I want people to know- He was here- I birthed him, I love him, he is part of the family. He just died way too early.
I wish I knew how he ate, slept and walked, if he had ongoing medical issues, asthma, ear infections... I wish I could answer all those questions.. I guess I wasn't frustrated at the person on the other end of the phone... I am frustrated that my life doesn't include my son, and that slowly in the world of other people, he's becoming invisible and insignificant. Frustrated that I don't know the answers to questions that every mother should know. Just plain frustrated.
Those who have been in my shoes know what I mean. Those who don't, probably don't... probably think that 'he'll never be insignificant or invisible'.. those who have been in my shoes know that ... no matter what- to the mother who is missing them- their light begins to fade in others eyes... we do everything we can to keep it burning..... but sometimes... they just aren't a part of the survey.

Jane

I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry

2011-01-17T11:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Noah Bear,

It's been so long since Mummy has written.

What a whirlwind this month has been with Mummy working, and Daddy looking for work.

I've thought about you so much over the past while- wondering what you'd be up to if you were here with us.

There is only so much to write about these days. You know it all.

I love you- I miss you- I'm sorry.
I often think about writing a post- of get something on my mind that I'd love to write about.. but then.. I either fall asleep ( I get some good thoughts at night), or, I just can't bring myself to write it down. I used to write everything- good, bad and ugly. Now that the ugly, most days, has lessened... I don't need to rant as much about things.
and really how many times can I say - I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

I could shout it from the rooftops, over a loud speaker at the mall, say it quietly in my heart, write an angry letter, or a happy note- either way it's still true. either way it doesn't change. either way people won't understand really and truly what it is to be me missing you, either way... I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

No matter how often I write, You are forever on my heart and mind. You forever have a piece of my soul that is with you- lost from me- but with you. You are forever my baby boy, my first child, the little boy who made me a Mummy.
I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

Love you forever,
Mummy

i miss you

2010-12-26T21:20:00.000-05:00

Noah,
I've been missing you so much over these past few days. I've been feeling sorry for myself. It just isn't fair that you aren't here with me. Holiday or no holiday... I miss you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

for kids

2010-12-24T10:56:00.002-05:00

Christmas... a time for kids.. for magic.. for joy.. for family.

It's just not the same without you, Noah.

We love you so, so, so much.

We miss you this Christmas, and always.

Love you forever,
Mummy

the little things

2010-12-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Noah,

Sometimes it's hard to think about all the things that could have been.

It's been the little things latly- the things that really, in the big scheme of things, don't matter.

Things like... what you would get for Christmas this year? What would you be 'in' to- toy cars? a tv show? barney? trains? doggies?
What size would you wear? Would you be long and lean like your little sister and daddy? Would you be short like Mummy? What would be your favourite colour? Would you like to dress yourself and wear a tie randomly, and shorts on some winter days?
Would Grandma have made you another quilt, for your bed (because you'd be in a real bed now) ?
Would Mummy have gone back to work when you were a year old?
Would you be in daycare? Which daycare would you be in..

So many questions... left unanswered... only to dream about, think about... never to come true.

Oh how I wish I knew your smell, the colour of your hair, the feel of your hugs.

How I wish that Charlotte, Daddy and I had you here with us. It really would be a better place.

I love you, I miss you..

Love you forever,
Mummy

Pie Throwing Festival!!

2010-11-13T22:43:00.000-05:00

I am indulging in Carlys Pie Throwing Festivities

This pie-lets say Blueberry pie- gets thrown right into the face of people who think I am less than I am, and dont take the time to notice the difference. If we all just saw the good in things, the good in people. Used compassion instead of insult and anger, patience instead of hostility.... Ah.. off my chest.... thanks Carly!

Anyway, our family is on the move- a huge move, accross the country. Weève moved out of our first home together, our belonging are on a big truck being driven accross the country, we are visiting family along the way. And despite how crazy this sounds- it feels good. Matt and I were talking as we left our house- said good by to the rooms, the spots etc.... how we cant say goodbye to the memories- they come along with us in this ride of life. We realized how happy we were as we left- how at peace we both are with this deicision (and this says a lot of my anxious and worrysome way!)... this is good... it feels good... we are at peace!

Noah--

We love you! Going to see Kimmy tomorrow! and visting the cemetary too!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Insert 2 1/2 year old boy....

2010-11-01T14:12:00.000-04:00

Hi Baby boy..

We got 'family' pictures done the other month. Family pictures- although wonderful- have always been a sore spot for me. It was one of the first things I thought of when I realized that I would never be really, truly, PERFECTLY happy again. That a family picture- will never truly be a family picture. How can it be without you here?? I am very happy right now- life is grand. But it isn't perfect- perfection doesn't come for a family after a child dies. Might seem harsh for me to say to those who haven't lost a child- but in my eyes. It's the raw truth. Our reality. You were perfect- you are perfect- but you aren't here- you died-- so how can life be perfect for me- it can't. end. of.

Anyway... Emily, the photographer knows all about you- because her little boy Kai, and Charlotte are friends! She got some great pictures with Milton, your froggy in them- not nearly as wonderful as it would have been to have you in them... but as perfect as this non-perfect family picture can get!.
How I wish I could just insert a 2 1/2 year old boy, on his daddy's back, hugging his sister, or looking at his Mummy... not any 2 1/2 year old boy though- nope- just you!

Here are some of our pictures- the ones with your froggie... Hope you love them! isn't your sister getting big?

Add caption

Love you forever,

Mummy

Back at SickKids

2010-10-25T22:12:00.000-04:00

I love you baby bear.... forever.

Mummy, Daddy and Charlotte went to SickKids today to visit with Lori. Lori is the Palliative Care/Bereavement Coordinator at the NICU at SickKids, and because your time there was so short, she was the nurse whom we had the most contact.
It was nice to see her, we went down to the cafeteria and talked for about 2 hours! She hadn't met Charlotte- so it was nice for her to see her.

It wasn't as hard to be there as it was the first time I went back. I think having Charlotte makes it a little easier- because I'm not quite as jealous of all the babies being wheeled around and thriving.. although little boys still pull at my heart strings, I think they always will.
I thought I'd post some more pictures here! I didn't share many pictures at the beginning of my blogging days, because I really didn't know how to upload them- then, once I figured it all out- I didn't really do it much on your blog, mostly on your sisters. Anyway- here are a few photo's of you.. it's amazing how different you look from when you were born, to when you were sick, 2 days later. But- still my little boy, always my little boy...

HERE YOU are being held up by the nurse when we were in the recovery room! you had a good set of lungs!

Here you are in your little Noah's Ark sleeper! so cute! and so tiny! That's Grammie's hand on your chest! and.. you are wearing the mystery bib. I have kept everything, and have held on so, so , so tight to everything you touched. But.. I can't find that bib. It's been driving me CRAZY for 2.5 years. CRAZY. I figured maybe i'd find it when I packed up the house for the move.. but not yet. It's sad to me- you touched it- it was yours... now it's gone.

I love this picture- I call it your burrito picture- because, well, you look like a burrito! All wrapped up in your blanket!

Here you are with your cute little lips! and Holding on to Grandma's hand!

and here you are... at Sickkids, as we said goodbye. After a surgery that couldn't save you. the beginning a lifetime of tears for a Mummy.

Love you Love you Love you

Love you Forever,

Mummy

Bittersweet day

2010-10-19T17:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,

I had one of those bitter-sweet days today.

I am in the process of starting to organize things to pack for our move. Today, during Charlotte's nap (because that's the only time I can really pack, or do anything for the move... ahhh,... 4 weeks away!!) anyway... today, I organized and packed up your stuff. Daddy made a pine chest, sort of like a big toy box for al your things. I got to look at it all again. It's something I don't do very often. We have reminders of you, and pictures of you all over the house, but I rarely look at the other things. They're neatly packed away.
It was nice to look at them. to touch your hospital bracelets, smell your blanket, and the outfits you wore, look at more of your pictures, read letters and cards people wrote, look at pictures and cards that my school kids made for me- before you were born, and then, after you died.

It's so nice to see and touch these things- but it's so hard too. It's part of my life- it is my life- my son died, my first born baby didn't get to grow up, we loved him, we held him, we kissed him and sang to him, and then- he was gone- it was gone- the future was gone. Life changed. These things are a reminder of that too- the anger, sadness, bitterness, loneliness, the lost future that we had planned.

It's hard to look at all your things sometimes, but it will never be all bad- it can't be when it has to do with you- my perfect little baby boy.

On another note- a neighbours mother died today. Mrs. Calvert. She was one of the few people that really knew you- touched you, held you, kissed you. I hope she is whereever you are- maybe she'll hold you again- maybe that will remind you of our time together.

I love you my baby boy. I miss you so much. I wish you were coming with us on our big move to Newfoundland. You would love it there- it's the perfect place for a little boy.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Breakfast

2010-10-18T08:20:00.000-04:00

Hi Baby Boy,

I miss you so much this morning. Your sister woke up, and went back for a nap pretty much right away. I wish you were here to have breakfast with me! Maybe we'd make eggs, or waffles, or pancakes! Maybe we'd sit at the table, or sit on the couch and watch cartoons! Maybe we'd be silly and sing songs after breakfast while holding spoons like mircophones- but not too loud, so we wouldn't wake your sister.

Instead, I am going to have toast, and watch the news. BORING!

At least I get to write to you.

I love you more and more and more.
I wish you were here... for me, for daddy and for your sister.
We all miss you, and love you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Giveaway- WE HAVE A WINNER!!

2010-10-16T19:34:00.000-04:00

Thank you to all of those who entered my 1st Giveaway!
It's been a crazy couple weeks, and so I have just gotten around to the draw now! Sorry to keep you on your toes!

I used the random number generator on random.org... but because I am not all that computer savvy, I can't figure out how to save it as a picture to post here.. so you will have to beleive me when I say, that the random number that it came up with, between 1 and 12, was 3.

congrats, Tiffany, You've won!

If you could email me at janesk8 (at) hotmail (dot) com, with your contact information, and the florish or rosette you would like from Fran's Etsy shop . Then I can get it to you ASAP!

Congratulations!
Hope to have another giveaway soon!

Thanks for following, reading, supporting, and loving!

Jane

50 Followers Giveaway!

2010-10-02T22:54:00.000-04:00

50 Followers- WoW!

I've decided to hold my first giveaway for this milestone! I've been trying to decide what to giveaway- and I've decided to help out a fellow BLM!
Franchesca from Small Bird Studio does a number of art type things -blog makeovers, canvas work etc. I've decided that for my first giveaway I will be offering a flourish or rosette of the winners choice from Fran's Etsy Shop.

Like- the Jenna Belle Rosette with alligator clip or broach pin

Or, Maybe you'd choose the Amy Rosette?

Or, Perhaps, the Nancy Flourish?

Go to the Etsy Shop to choose the one you'd like!!

But- How do you win?

There are a few ways:

1. Become a follower of this blog

2. Become a follower of my other blog (Cherishing Charlotte)

3. Make a blog post about this giveaway, so others can find it too!

4 Grab my button (from my sidebar) and put it on your site

5. Look at the Small Bird Studio Etsy Shop and let me know which Flourish or Rosette you'd love to have it you win!

**Please post a separate comment for each entry**

I will be taking entries until October 6th, which happens to be Noah's 2 1/2 year birthday (30 months). Stay Tuned for the lucky winner!

Good Luck!

Jane

Perfect

2010-09-24T10:13:00.000-04:00

Hi Noah Bear,

Sometimes I think about how it's nice that I will never be upset at you, or angry at you.. I won't ever be disappointed in a choice you've made, thought your decisions weren't thought about well enough. I won't even have to tell you 'No', give you a time out, send you to your room.

Really- I'd trade all that obviously to have you here- you could be a holy terror and I'd still rather have you here.

But.. since you aren't, and that can't change, no matter how hard I try.. at least you were, are and will be perfect.

Poor Charlotte- has a perfect Brother! don't worry- I don't expect perfection from a little girl finding her place in the baby/toddler world!

That was just on my mind this morning.

I love you baby boy

Love you forever,

Mummy

Why?

2010-09-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

I should be hearing 'Why?', from a little toddler about 100 times a day

Instead, I hear 'Why?', from myself about 100 times a day.

What a realization.

Why him? Why us? Why that? Why me? Why? Why? Why?

You've Taught Me

2010-09-16T15:22:00.000-04:00

Hi Noah,

I was thinking while I was driving today that you've taught me a lot- mostly indirectly- but many of these things, because of you, I have learned- or I have at least realized throughout the past 29 months.

You've taught me:

-how precious and fragile life can be.

-to be easier on myself

-that what other people think doesn't really matter

-that some friends really weren't friends

-that no matter how hard I try, I'm not in control my life, or anyone elses.

-that your Daddy is the best Daddy to you and your sister

-that love is a precious thing, that should be cherished.

-that stuff isn't as important as people, feelings and time

-that the little interruptions and disappointments in life don't matter much

-that everyone has a tragedy in their life, if we'd only stop to listen, or ask

-that generally, people aren't good listeners

-that being a Mummy to a baby who isn't here is really tough.. but,

-that being a Mummy is the most wonderful thing in the world- baby here or not.

-that the sun rises and sets each day, no matter what we do

-to make the best out of my life

-that places aren't where you are- instead you are everywhere and everything

-that children are worth living for

-that memories are worth a lot

-family matters and I depend on them probably more than I should

There's so much more, You've taught me a little about everything. Everything I do is shaped because of you- your life, your death.

I love you baby boy. Love Love Love

Love you forever,

Mummy

Moving

2010-09-10T16:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah Bear,

I love you.. so, so, so, so much.

We visited you on the weekend! Your stone looks nice, all shiny- and your flowers are still growing nicely. Grammie put a cute froggie solar light there too! Daddy and I miss you so much!

In the future, we won't be able to visit you as much at the cemetary.But you know that that's ok- because you know that the cemtary isn't the only place where you are. NOPE- you are everywhere- you are in the laughs of your sister, you are in the leaves of the trees falling towards the ground, you are in the rising sun and the shining moon. But most of all- you are in my heart. You will always be in Mummy's heart- no matter what happens, no matter who happens. Always.

Mummy, and Daddy and Charlotte are moving to Newfoundland. It's a big move, and maybe even a risky one. It's a move that Daddy and I have been talking about for 9 years. it's been a long time coming. Once Mummy's family moved to Ontario in 1993 I just assumed I would never live in Newfoundland again- then, once I feel in love with a mainlander (that's your daddy) I really knew I'd never live in Newfoundland again. It was sad- but your daddy is worth it!
Then.. Daddy and I took a road trip a long, long time ago- a road trip to Newfoundland so that Daddy could meet my extended family and see this land that I had been marveling about. it was winter- the weather was bad, the roads were bad, and we didn't even see any moose- even though Daddy was constantly on the look out. But.... Daddy fell in love. Daily while we were there, and at least weekly after he talked about Newfoundland- the people, the food, the land, the pace of life, the history and culture. Mummy began to realize that it wasn't just me who had a longing in the back of my brain... it was Daddy too.

Charlotte is little, Mummy isn't working, and Daddy doesn't love his job- Brampton is becoming more and more violent (or maybe we are just noticing it more because of you and Charlotte). We've been talking about taking this risk for years- we've never done it because there has always been something holding us back. But we're doing it. We're going to move to Newfoundland. Pack up and go. it will be hard- it many ways- but it will be worth it, and we'll be together, so that's all that matters!

It's very sad for your Grammie and Grampie. I am not sure that they understand our reasoning for going, nor if they support us in going- all I know is that they are sad. Of course they are- they won't get to see Charlotte quite as much- which is a sad thing- I know that would make me sad too. I think (and hope) that in time they will realize that this is the right decision of our little family, but for now- sadness is what it is.

I love you my little mini monkey. I miss your top lip, your long fingers and your hairy ears!
I so wish that you were here with us-- that we were making this move with 2 living children- 2 children that everyone could see and everyone would acknowledge- but instead- you'll just have to travel in my heart. How about that little guy?!

Love you forever,
Mummy

I wish I knew...

2010-09-03T14:36:00.000-04:00

Hi Baby Bear,

I love you.
Do you know that?
I know I tell you often, But...
Do you feel it?
Can you feel it?
I wish I knew.

Your little sister is asleep right now, her tiny self on a big huge king sized bed, in a hotel room. Our floors are being redone after a flood in our house, and so, we had to move out because we wouldn't have access to a bathroom at our place- and that could be disastrous!

We're going to Kingston this weekend for Mummy's birthday. We go to Kingston most Labour Day weekends. Should be fun! Hopefully Grammie's pool is nice and warm- the weather has been hot lately- although I think it's supposed to rain this weekend- so we might be stuck inside most of the time!

I love you baby boy.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Saltwater Joys

2010-08-21T12:37:00.000-04:00

Hi Baby Boy,

I"m in Trouty- it's a beautiful sunny day- a little wind, a little cool- but a beautiful Newfoundland day. Your sister is napping, your Grandma and Poppy are out helping the neighbours get organized for a community party tonight. All I can think of is you.

I look out the window and see the trees, the hills and mountains, the river leading into the Ocean. Three kitty-cats next door just waiting to be chased by a 2 year old boy. A little orchard, flower garden, vegetable garden- just waiting to be pounced on. A Poppy- loving his granddaughter more than anything in this world- but longing to hear the 'why's' of a 2 year old, yearning to take that 2 year old out fishing, down to the wharf, to touch the salt sea. A Grandma singing to her granddaughter and so proud- but behind it- missing the toddler, walking along side her down the lane, longing to have a tag-along to help pick blueberries- having to give your face a big wash when you come back because it's full of blue- and the basket is empty.

It is beautiful here, Noah. I feel closer to you, closer to God. I even feel closer to myself.
It's calm- It's beautiful- It's right- It's home.
It's where I wish so much I could have raised you, and could raise your siblings.
It's where I wish everyone could see at least once in their lifetime- so they could have a glimpse into a world only miles away- but so different than their fast-paced-dirty-busy-smoggy place where most live.

I miss you my boy. I grieve for the time we would have had together- just doing nothing, just being ourselves.

for now, I will have to hang onto your little sister a little tighter... hold her a little closer, look deeply into her blueberry eyes- so I can see you- you will always be a part of her- the big brother, she'll never know.

I love you forever
Mummy

Saltwater Joys- one of my favourite, nostaligic songs. The lyrics are just amazing to me- and oh, so true

Normal

2010-07-31T16:21:00.000-04:00

I 'lifted' this from Dana
It really does ring true!

What is "Normal"?

Author Unknown

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 1st and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby would have loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have any children when asked, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you don't have any children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Noah,
Daddy, Charlotte and I are going to go on vacation on Tuesday. We will miss you while we are there. We are going to see your cousin, Norah, Uncle Peter's little baby girl. It might be a little sad for Mummy at times- Because Norah looks a little like you- and her name is so similar- and she was sick when she was born- but Mummy is also very excited about seeing and cuddling and kissing her.

We love you baby boy. Lots of extra hugs from Mummy.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Noah, Hello Goodbye. I'll see you on the other side

2010-07-23T18:27:00.003-04:00

** You will need to scroll down and pause the blog music so you can listen to the song.. or it might get confusing!

** There is no video- only audio.
This was written by the artist, Michael W. Smith, for friends of his, who lost their son, Noah, as an infant. He could have written it for me.

Here are the lyrics if you want to follow along

Hello, Goodbye- Michael W. Smith

Where's the Navigator of your destiny?
Where is the Dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and its brevity
'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Chorus:

Noah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while

******

I think I've shared these lyrics before. But I haven't been able to find an audio version until now- other than the one i bought on itunes.

Jane

hi

2010-07-22T10:51:00.001-04:00

Hi Baby Boy,
I love you.
I miss you so much
This summer I miss all the things that you and your little sister could be doing together
Swimming, going for walks/stroller rides, helping with the gardening, having afternoon naps, going over to friends houses.... it's not the same without you

I love you forever my beautiful baby boy,
Mummy

10th Annual Lucas Holtom Carnival

2010-07-15T14:56:00.000-04:00

One of the ministers at the church we attend, North Bramalea United Church, has been a huge support for Matt and I. Not only because he's a minister, and he's supposed to be of support to people- but because he understands- first hand.
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the Pine Lake Tornado, in Alberta, Canada, where Lucas Holtom, their 2 year old son, died. - so did 11 other people.
Here is a video of Jamie and Katrina being interviewed for the 10th anniversary
Once you are at the link, look to the right and click on 'CTV News Channel: Jamie and Katrina Holtom'

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20100714/pine-lake-tornado-anniversary-100714/

Here is beautiful Lucas

and his parents, at one of the 10 Lucas Holtom Carnivals!

Every year, there is a big, FREE carnival in Brampton, next to the church, called the Lucas Holtom Carnival. It's great tos ee the joy on kids and parents faces because of this free fun! It gets bigger every year!
Here is a picture of me this year, Matt and I volunteered!

Everyone has a tragedy in their live... but the death of a child... that's a big one.
Don't we know it.

Do you remember?

2010-07-06T13:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,

Do you remember coming into this world?
Do you remember your loud cry?
your long fingers?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our very first cuddle?
Do you remember how special it was?
Do you remember how we both instantly felt?
I knew I loved you- I knew life would never be the same
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember getting your diaper changed for the first time?
Your Grandmothers changed you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our cuddles?
Do you remember how you felt on my chest?
Do you remember the love?
I do

Do you remember Mummy looking into your eyes?
I just couldn't stop
There was something so magical and loving about them
Do you remember looking back at Mummy?
Telling her all you needed to- with one glance?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember that one special cuddle?
You know the one- don't you?
On April 7th 2008- at about 9pm
When we thought you had years to live
That cuddle was so special
It's etched in Mummy's heart forever
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember them taking you away?
Into a land of beeping machines and plastic tubes
Do you remember Mummy crying and holding your hand?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember the new hospital?
Full of children
Do you remember the nurses, the surgeon?
They tried to help you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember being wrapped in your green blanket?
Being held ever so gently by your family
Do you remember us singing to you?
The sound of your Mummy's voice, and your Daddy's tears?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when you opened your eyes for the last time?
You looked at me
You looked at Daddy
You used everything you had to squeeze our hands
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when we let you go?
We had to.
You told us it was time
Do you remember taking a piece of me with you?
Do you remember feeling all our love?
Do you remember?
I do

Can you still see me?
Loving you?
Taking care of you the only way we know how
Cherishing your Memory

Can you still see me?
Standing by your grave
Crying, hugging
Looking at all those babies who are with you
feeling sad for their parents too

Can you still see me?
Talking about you to your sister?
Putting your names in our songs?
Trying all we can to include you in everything

Can you still see me?
Crying at night?
trying to smile?
loving you?

Can you still see me?
I see you
Are you still with me?
You're with me
Am I still your mother?
You're my son
Do you still need me?
I need you.
Do you remember?
I do

I love you Noah.
Living without you doesn't get easier. It gets more normal- because I can't have it any other way.. but it doesn't get easier.
It's hot out today.... I'm sure we'd be swimming in the pool, and Charlotte would be napping in her stroller...instead, I'm writing this to you, and Charlotte is in her crib, napping.
I wish a lot of things were different
I wish I knew that I was a good mum
I wish I knew that I am a good mum
Today is a hard day for mummy.. nothing is going right, and it all remind me of how so much went right with you- and then.. one thing goes wrong- and my world as I know it is over.

I love you little guy.. you're the bestest boy in the world
Love you forever,
Mummy

2010-07-02T15:33:00.002-04:00

Hi Baby... I love you.... forever
Mummy

bitter

2010-06-26T16:41:00.000-04:00

Hi Noah,

Another week without you, boy oh boy. It's hard to think about sometimes.Not you- you're easy to thing about- but it's hard to think about the time I've spent without you. It's been 2 years, 2 months, 18days. I hate that the count will never end. It's not a count down... it's a count up to infinity- or at least, until I die too.

In so many ways I think I am a better Mummy because you were here. I think I am more sensitive to things that matter, and I take ever day and try to cherish it- because I never know when it will be taken away from me... again.
But, a conversation I had today with Daddy, made me think.. that in some ways.. I am not better. Well, that sounds like a given, I know! of course I"m not better, my son died before I even got to teach him to tie his shoes, ride his bike, wipe his bum, or clap his hands.
I think I am bitter. I am bitter that I will never be 'wonderful' again. sure I'm good, i'm fine, and I can even say I'm happy. But I will never be, Happier than ever, things will never be perfect. how can they be? If I say things are perfect my mind will go directly to you- how can things be perfect when you are not with us. How can things be perfect when we have a grave, and a tree to visit instead of pre-school concerts and soccer games? Life isn't perfect, hey, I know, know one's is. but really. I can say for sure, that I will never think my life is perfect.
I've accepted this truth for my life- but I still think it sucks.

Noah, we miss you so much. It's felt like a lifetime without you- and there is so much more life to live for us.
I just wish I never had to write this stupid blog.
I think I'm a little bitter today.
I just want my baby back.

I love you baby boy. You are the bestest little boy in the whole entire world.
Love you forever,
Mummy

I found the key to happiness :)

2010-06-17T09:34:00.001-04:00

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/recipe/chocolate-cake-in-5-minutes

Thanks Mum! :) it does the trick after 2 very long nights and days with a little teething girly!

Much needed chocolate cake!

Note the froggy mug :)

Jane
PS. Obviously I am aware that this is not the key to happiness! It just helps :)

Censorshi(t)p

2010-06-15T11:53:00.000-04:00

Over the past year or so, I've realized that more and more people from my 'real' life have been reading my blog. I"m not always certain how they find it- maybe from a friend, maybe through a google search, maybe they heard I have one, and tried and tried until they found it, maybe it was because when I first started my blog, I let a few people know- and they are still around, checkin' in on me..
Whatever the way, or reason. I"m not certain I like it.
For the most part, actually. It's fine. People read it, and usually keep to themselves, but then once in a while I get a comment, message on facebook, or an email (of course, never a phone call- too awkward!ha).. letting me knwo that they've read my blog, and are thinking of me. Or they let me know how in some ways they understand what I am going through, or don't understand- but can try to empathize. I don't mind this. I really don't.
But what about the comments, messages and emails- that correct me. Correct me?? This is a place where I want to feel safe to write whatever comes out of my thick skull, and out of my heart. I used to not even read over what I wrote- because I knew that it was what I needed to write on that day- and so spelling mistakes and all- there they were- published.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE comments- and they have been dwindling lately, which makes me a little sad. But, I don't really like when people 'try' to make me feel better by saying something I said was wrong- or by telling me how they think it's different... Really?? Well- at this moment- this is my truth. The next moment, month or year- I may think, or express something different- for now- this is it- either support me, tell me your story, something- but don't tell me my thoughts are wrong.

I feel like I must censor myself now. Not just because of the reason I just gave- but for a variety of others as well. For instance- this post- I really have been wanting to write for about 2 or 3 weeks- but I couldn't do it.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings
I don't want to make anyone's grief worse
I don't want to feel like my writing makes others sad
I don't want people to think I am crazy
I don't want people to think I am in over my head.
remember- this blog- my writing- this is my out. this is WHY I am not crazy, and not in over my head. Because I can write about being sad, scared, anxious, angry, happy, mad- about my grief- because of that I can help myself heal.
Because of this blog, and a few other things, I can try to live a normal life, I can be a good mother to both Noah and Charlotte.

How do I do this?
without making a new blog that noone in the world knows about?
... and I don't want to do that! my baby-loss Momma friends- I wouldn't want to lose them- their support.
Plus, as I said before, I love comments-
It's a catch 22 really.

I guess I'm being immature, and don't want to be told I am wrong.
I also am being a little mature, by not wanting to hurt anyone.

I don't even know if this post makes sense. I just know that I've felt like I have to keep my words inside lately-and that is not good for my head.
urgh
any suggestions?

PS. If you think I'm talking about you- I"m most likely not! it's a collection of things really. so try not to worry too much... or you'll have me censoring even more! Ha!

Hi Noah Bear,

Today Mummy is going to her school to watch the graduation ceremony for the kids that I taught last year. It will be nice to see them graduate!
I'm leaving Charlotte with a babysitter (ok not really- a good friend, with a baby- who's house we go to every week!) for the first time. I shouldn't worry- but I do!
What if she needs me?
What if she wants me?
What if she hurts herself? or gets sick?
Mummy is a worry wart- I know! I am going to try to by calm, breathe and enjoy myself!
I've been thinking about how I probably need to have a babysitter more often, so I can be an even better Mummy. Sometimes I think it would be good for Mummy and Daddy to go on a date, or even just go for a drive- and not worry about Charlotte... even for just 30 minutes! Then again, I'd probably worry more!

I love you Noah. I wouldn't worry as much about Charlotte if you were here too. You would be able to bring to babysitter what you think she needed- I'm sure by now you would have had her all figured out! Diaper change, food, water, milk, cuddles, playtime, story. You'd know what she'd want- because you would want it to!
I love you forever,
Mummy

PS. I"m trying my best not to re-read this- like the good old days- so excuse all the grammar, spelling, typos!

Butterfly Release number 3

2010-06-14T13:14:00.000-04:00

Hi Noah Bear,

After writing that subject line, I realized how much is sucks that the number will just keep going and going and never stop....... a butterfly release-- nothing compared to having YOU back with me!

Anyway... Yesterday was the Annual PBSO Butterfly Release and Family Picnic. It was year three for us.
This year was a little different- because we had your sister with us. It was ncie to share it with her. This will be something we will try to attend each year- as a family- in memeory of you! it's a nice day- with stuff for kids to do, a butterfly release- and lots of people with one thing in common.. lots of people who get what it's like to be me, and to be your daddy.. who get what it's like to be a mother, yet sometimes, for years- not have it acknowledged.

We took some pictures this year! here are a few!

here's Mummy with your little sister!

Here's daddy with your little sister

Here's your butterfly....did you catch it?

Your daddy and Charlotte... saying goodbye to your butterfly

Your sister's shirt says 'My Big Brother is an Angel in Heaven'... and look, a butterfly landed on it!!

Ohh.. she finally noticed it! watch out butterfly- don't worry Noah, we didn't let her hurt it!

Isn't it pretty!!

Daddy and Charlotte sitting pretty!

Here is Charlotte with Matthew and Reece. They were releasing butterflies for their sister, Breanna, and brother, Cole.

We love you Noah.

You are the bestest boy in the whole entire world and heavens!

Love you forever,

Mummy

me

2010-06-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

It's not about me.

I don't want it to be about me.

I just want a tiny bit of me back.

Life hasn't been about me since I became pregnant with Noah- exactly this time, 3 years go.
For that 41.5 weeks- life was about that little precious life inside of me. The dreams we had as a family. It was about keeping that little one healthy, safe. Little did we know, he wouldn't be safe at all.

Then, from Noah's birth on. Life was about him. For 2 days (2 days... ONLY 2 days), it was about, still, keeping him safe, loving him, getting to know him, feeding him, protecting him. Then, after he died, 2 days later, it was about still- loving him- but also keeping his memory alive, trying to make sure he would never be forgotten. Trying to do everything right- since there was so little we could do for him. This will never end. Life will always be about Noah's memory.
Then, a few months later- life became about trying to conceive again. Wow- was that tough. Then, finally-life became about protecting the life of the new little one inside of me.
Now, life is about cherishing, and honouring Noah's memory. And protecting and nurturing the life of Charlotte.
Great things to be living life for... well, one, not so great- but it's my reality.

What about me.
I feel like I've lost myself.
I know I'm not a altogether selfless person. But I have forgotten about myself.
In more ways than one.
Where did the person go who cared about how she looked?
Why have I had a tester of nailpolish on one of my fingers for 1 months now?
WHy is the nail polish on my toes (that my sweet husband put on me one night when he wanted me to feel better) still on my toes- but looking rediculously terrible- half on and half off.\
Why have I not gotten a hair cut in 6 months?
Why am I at the highest weight I have ever been (except for in late stages of pregnancy)
Why do I hate looking in the mirror?
WHy do I not care about blemishes on my face?
Why do I censor myself, in life, in blogging?
Why do I let more and more friends down- with ignoring messages, and attempts to get out of things?
Why do I knowingly, sometimes, blow up at Matty, for something completly not worth it?

There are so many more Why's. And to many people, these things may seem very trivial. But to me, they are not. Some are- yes- by themselves. Do I really care about nailpolish or a hair cut- NO.. but do I like the person I've become- who doesn't take care of herself, or even care at all like she used to. No.

Is it grief? unresolved? ungoing? Probably
Is it 'new'parenthood? Busy? Hectic? Probably
Whatever it is- it's hurting my inner self. It's causing a very nasty head space. Surly I can be a good parent to both my children, and still be good to myself. Surely I can fix this?
Right now- I just don't know how.

When I'm busy with life- I feel fine. or at least, I tell myself I'm fine.
But when I'm alone, after everyone is in bed, or when Charlotte is napping, or when I am lying awake waiting for sleep to catch me. I think of all of this. and yet- I do nothing about it.

All I want is the impossible.
All I want is a tiny bit of me back- you know that girl who had everything going for her. That girl who was always happy, didn't have frown lines.
I wouldn't trade either of my children for anything. but to feel like I used to feel. To have one day, where I could say- the whole day- I felt good- like my old self again. That would be good.
I know I can't be that person again. Noah, and Charlotte have changed me.. for the better in many, many, many ways. but I want myself back.
Surely I can have both... my children and myself?

I want to want to improve myself.

I just want a tiny bit of my back

I don't want it to be all about me.

It's not about me.

Noah,
I love you!
I think sometimes now, mummy will write more regular blog posts- and letters to you too. It just doesn't feel right to write to a baby boy about adult issues!
I love you, so, so, so, so much
I miss you
Our trip to Halifax just isn't the same without you.
Love you forever,
Mummy

New Look!

2010-05-29T15:20:00.000-04:00

Howdy Baby Bear!
Do you like the new look for your blog! I love it!
I won a 15$ credit, from Small Bird Studio for Jenna's Birthday Giveaway, and so i used it towards a new blog makeover for YOU! Isn't it sweet! Frogs and Bubbles and YOU!
Thanks Franchesca for all your wonderful creativity!

We all miss you today! We have been planting and going for walks and all sorts. Wish you were here!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Hey- readers, won't you grab my button!

the little things

2010-05-25T08:53:00.000-04:00

Hi Baby Bear,

Thanks for helping Norah get through her surgery without any complications!
I know she still has a long road ahead of her, but now that the surgery is over, Mummy can breathe again!
Your cousin being sicky has made me miss you even more these past few days. I miss the little things that might have been... like.. morning cuddles, making you food, giving you baths, seeing your smile and hearing your laugh, washing little boy clothes, taking you to the park.... everything.. big and small.

I love you Noah
Love you forever,
Mummy

Prayers for Norah

2010-05-23T21:57:00.000-04:00

Norah's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow

6am, eastern time

I am so scared

my baby had surgery

without a good outcome

I'm praying for a big difference with Norah.

Please pray with me, for this beautiful, loved, special little girl

My only niece

My brother's only child

Charlotte and Noah's cousin.

Pray Pray Pray

2010-05-22T10:19:00.000-04:00

I Love You
You're the bestest boy in the world... and in the heavens.
Love you forever,
Mummy

fear, fate, faith and Norah

2010-05-17T16:46:00.001-04:00

I have been on pins and needles for the last few days.

I feel like my world is crashing down... again.

I don't know what to do.

There is nothing I can do.

Norah, my new niece.

the beautiful, gorgeous blessing to our family

my big brother's baby girl

has been diagnosed with a Congenital Heart Defect.

She is in the hospital in England.

she is being monitored.

she is stable.

she will need surgery

the questions is when.

My big brother- has a baby with a congenital defect.

I did too.

My baby died.

will his?

Norah is strong

feeding, pooping, sleeping well.

there is a high rate of recovery for this particular heart defect

She will be ok... right?

I know- most who read this, dare not answer that questions

because our stories ended differently.

I fear for her

I fear for my brother and his wife.

Why them?

Why my family?

I can imagine what they are thinking.

It would be different if their nephew hadn't died

they might be less worried.

but infant death isn't 'impossible' in their world.

because of me and Noah.

Please pray with me.

Pray for Norah

The doctors

both families

Pray for me

that I will be able to see things logically

that I will not automatically assume she will die

that I will realize that sometimes good things do happen.

good things do still happen.. right?

some 1st born children are born healthy... right?

have faith, Jane.

your family is not cursed.

here is the little darling :)

she's far away in england.

we go on August 3rd... counting the days

** If you are a 'facebook' friend of mine, please don't post anything about Norah and being ill on my facebook wall, as requested by her parents. Thanks **

1st, first cousin

2010-05-11T20:02:00.000-04:00

Hi Noah!
You have a new cousin! Uncle Peter and Auntie Kate finally had their baby! They had a baby girl!! They named her Norah Elizabeth. Isn't it beautiful! It's almost like your name, but with an R :)

And.. I think you look like her! I've only seen a couple pictures, because she is so far away, in England. But look at this:

Here is you, at one day old

and,... Here is Norah at 1 day old

I think you both look a little like uncle peter!!

I love you Baby Boy! You're the bestest boy in the world!
Love you forever,

Mummy

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T09:56:00.000-04:00

Hi Baby Boy,
Today is Mother's Day. I wish you were here to give me a big mother's day kiss and hug. And to sign the card with your sister... and to help daddy and Charlotte pick out my little gift. This year I got a necklace, it's pretty and has a blue and brown butterfly on it- it reminds me of you!

You little cousin has still not been born. We are waiting and waiting.
Uncle Peter must be getting very anxious now. I know I am I just want the little one to be ok, the family to be ok.

I love you!
Mother's Day will never be the same.
Love you forever,
Mummy.

Prayers Needed

2010-05-06T16:16:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, my brother, and sister-in-law in England are due to have their first child on May 15th. She is full term right now, but has just been admitted to the hospital with pre-eclampsia. High blood pressure, protein in her urine etc. They could have the baby at anytime.

Please pray with me for the doctors, midwives and nurses- that they will make the safest decisions for the family.
Please pray for my brother, Peter, and sister-in-law Kate- that they will be strong and be well- and welcome a baby- kicking and screaming- into this world.
Please pray for me- and I am terrified for them all. I know the many pregnancies end with pre-eclampsia- and most babies, and mothers turn out just fine, especially at 39 weeks pregnant. but others -do not- and coming from my situation- statistics don't matter much.

I hope that I will be a beaming, happy, joyful Auntie within the next few days!
Here are the two of them, on their wedding day about 2 years ago!!

Cousin

2010-05-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

Hello my Noah's Bear,

Grandma is here this week. On Sunday she goes to England because Uncle Peter and Auntie Kate are going to have a little baby very soon.
Do you know what this new little baby looks like? If it's a boy or girl? If you have any influence- please send the little one nice and safe to Uncle Peter and Auntie Kate!
This little baby will be your first, 1st cousin! You've never been a cousin before!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Happy 1st Birthday Jenna Belle

2010-05-05T18:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,
I hope you are hosting a little birthday for your friend Jenna Belle.
Her Mummy is very close to having a little brother for her, so there is lost to celebrate up there.
Her mummy is also hosting a giveaway for her birthday!! Isn't that a nice thing to do!!

Love you forever,
Mummy

How can blenders make me sad?

2010-04-28T21:07:00.000-04:00

Hi Bear Bear,
Grandma and Poppy arrive in a few days, they are coming for a week, before they go off to England to be with Uncle Peter and Aunt Kate when they have their baby, your cousin!
It will be nice to be with my Mum on mother's day- we haven't been together for that in a long time. Grandma leaves on Mother's day, but at least she will be here for a few hours!

I bought a Magic Bullet today, that's a blender thing. I bought it mostly for making Charlotte's food- It made me think of you. I am just now beginning to buy things for her, that weren't yours first. We had everything we needed for your first few months- everything- I've hardly even had to buy many diapers for your sister because we had so many for you, in different sizes. It's weird to buy things for her, other than clothes. I don't know why. It's a little sad- it makes me feel like little by little I am losing you. Strange, how a blender can do that. I didn't get to make your baby food. and that makes me sad. The Magic Bullet is fun though, I must say. I'm sure you'd love the smotthie Mummy is drinking right now- berries and yogurt and juice- Yum!

Well.. just writing to say I love you, and to let you know that, like always, I am thinking of you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Doing good in her name

2010-04-27T17:04:00.000-04:00

Hi Noah Bear,

Remember this? How Mummy was donating some stuff to other people in your memory for your birthday.

Well I sent a big box the other day. Here is a picture

It was good to give - for you.

I love you forever,

Mummy

Poem

2010-04-27T12:04:00.000-04:00

Look Noah,
Mummy's poem to you, is here http://stilllife365.blogspot.com
Spreading the word about your wonderful self!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Note to self

2010-04-25T20:31:00.001-04:00

Note to self:
Don't let the Daddy read the blog- even if he asks to- it's too hard on him. He said even the music is sad! He said sometimes it's so happy it's sad.

He asked to read it because I told him that one of my poems was going to be on stilllife365 on Tuesday.
stilllife365.blogspot.com He wanted to read it.

Daddy says I should write a book. But I know that there are way more talented people in the world of writing- and certainly in the 'baby loss' world of blogs. Not a book- just a personal release. Who knows what I'd be like in my real life if not for this blog.

I think it helps!

I love you my little bear!
Love you forever,
Mummy

2010-04-20T19:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Noah,
I love you forever... and a day
Mummy

howdy

2010-04-15T13:10:00.000-04:00

Hi Noah!

Well, Mummy's laptop is getting fixed!
The video camera stopped working, so ACER asked us to send it to them, so they could fix it!
NOW, until it is back, Mummy has to go downstairs to write to you-- not too far away, but I can only really do it when your sister is sleeping, in her crib.
So, you might not hear from me quite so much over the next while.

Hope things are well up there! Thanks for sending sunshine and love for Daddy's birthday yesterday!
We love you, so, so, so, so, so much
You will always be our baby.

Love you forever,
Mummy

GPS

2010-04-10T16:36:00.000-04:00

Hi Baby Bear,

Mummy and Daddy and Charlotte just got back from an exciting trip to Radio World for daddy to get a GPS for his birthday! I think i've told you about Geocaching before- well, this GPS makes it easier to upload caches and can do all sorts of other things!
Daddy is excited!
He is down in the park playing with it!

We love you, and miss you so much,
Wish you could cache with us too!

Love you forever,
Mummy

.......

2010-04-08T07:59:00.002-04:00

~~0 cards~~ 1 card (thanks Christine!)
2 phone calls
1 email
1 set of flowers

year two is much lonelier than year one.

I can't expect people to remember, and honour him as I do each year.

I can't expect people to feel sorry for me on this day, forever.

In a way, I'm glad people don't feel sorry for me.

In a way, I wish they would.

I just wish this wasn't something that I even had to think about.

Why can't I live in ignorant bliss too?

_____________________________

Today marks two years since Noah's death. Actually it was exactly 2 years ago to the hour that he was sent to Sick Kids hospital- noone thought he would die. Then... 12 hours later, he was dead.
Unbelievable.

From this - blowing bubbles!(24 hours before he died)

To this (as we said goodbye)

Beautiful, Loved, Wanted - in both pictures.
Beautiful, Loved, Wanted- still

I love you forever Noah.
Mummy

2010-04-06T17:43:00.000-04:00

two years ago your tiptoed into my life
crying as you came into the world

a beautiful little boy
'perfect in every way'
said the doctor

we got to know you
we knew we loved you
we got to hold you
we didn't know we'd lose you

two days later
my world collapsed

surgery, tubes, machines
a sight that will never leave my mind

you died surrounded by love
wrapped with love
mummy and daddy by your side
grandparents looking on

your legacy-one i never imagined
changed outlooks, changed parents
everything good, done in your name

two years ago you tiptoed into my life
crying as you entered, silent as you left.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Pictures from Your 2nd Easter/Birthday

2010-04-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

Hi Again Baby Boy..
Look-- here is your spot at the cemetary! With brithday balloons, flowers, a little chick for easter, and a donkey (I named him Gus) from Grandma!

a close up of Gus, the donkey :) isn't he cute? Thanks Grandma!

Your sister is saying Happy Easter Big Brother- I love you!

Up pops Mummy!

Happy Easter and Happy Birthday Again!

Mummy loves you

Love you Forever,

Muimmy

Happy 2nd Birthday Noah

2010-04-06T08:48:00.000-04:00

Hello Birthday Boy,

I hope my kisses, cuddles and hugs have made it to you by now.
I can only imagine how today would have been different with you here. I'm sure you'd be like a bouncing Tigger... jumping around saying 'happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!'... You'd get your favourite food all day.... and birthday pressies- maybe a new tricycle, or a power wheels, or a truck, or doll that you saw on TV that you just couldn't live without!

Oh how I long for you today my boy. Everyday, but especially on these very special milestones.

You are my baby boy, and always will be. You have changed me more than you, or I will ever know. You have impacted my life. You have made me a better Mummy, a better person.

I wish I could mother you here on earth. I wish I knew that you knew just how much I love you my baby boy.
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I love you forever
I like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

Happy Birthday - 2 is a good number!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Here you are, Exactly 2 years ago. RIGHT after being born. Look, you're trying to suck your thumb! I think you would have gotten the hang of it quicker than your sister!!

Here is you and Daddy! It's the only picture we have on your birthday with JUST you and daddy! Look how tiny you are! Your Daddy was, and is still so, so proud of you!

Here is our first cuddle!! You are just so beautiful, I couldn't stop looking at you. I wanted to kiss ever inch of that teeny, tiny body. Mummy misses those cuddles.

Noah's 2nd Birthday... wanna help?

2010-03-31T17:12:00.002-04:00

I have decided to do something for someone else for Noah's birthday. If he were here- it would be all about him, trucks, tanks, monkeys and trampolines I"m sure.
But he isn't here. We won't have 10, 2 year olds running around the house, playing games and eating pizza. There won't be a party.

Instead- I've decided that each year, I am going to try to donate something, to someone.

In the 'blog world', I've met a number of women who have lost their babies/children.
Kristin (onceamother.blogspot.com) , lost her baby Peyton Elizabeth to a rare form of Cancer at just 28 days of age. Peyton was born on my 27th birthday.. just five months after Noah was born and died.
In memory or Peyton, Kristin has started something called 'Doing Good in Her Name'.
to read more go here: http://www.doinggoodinhername.com

I am going to put together a box of stuff- for the foundation, so that she can donate it to the hospital wards that need it. Things that other parents will have to make special memories with their children. This will be done in memory, and in honour of my Noah. So far I have clothing, toys, booties, books and cd's!

You can help me
1. If you are in the area, why don't you go to the website, check out what they need and drop something bye my house before next Friday (April 9th). I'll pay to ship it, along with my things. ( http://www.doinggoodinhername.com)
2. . You can send things in yourself
3. You can donate money to the organization
4. You can pray for all of those families we will be helping, and for Peyton's family.
5. If you would rather- you can donate money to the Noah Awards (this will be next years birthday donation- but we can always use more!) http://www.med.mun.ca/PHRU/Noah-Awards.aspx
6. Either way- check out the two websites- take a moment to pray/think about all of the families who are at this very moment, going through the battle of fighting for their children's lives, or saying goodbye to their child... and send a birthday wish to the stars for my Noah.
Thank you to Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow (http://jenn625.blogspot.com/) who sparked this idea for me, when posting her Mustard Seed giveaway idea.
Thanks for helping me make Noah's birthday an honourable one!

Jane, Matt and Charlotte.

I should be....

2010-03-30T11:06:00.000-04:00

Hello my beautiful boy,

I should be planning your 2nd birthday party festivities around now. Instead- I bought you a little balloon for your tree. woohoo.... (sense the sarcasm... do you get sarcasm at 2... probably not!).
I wish you were here, jumping around, entertaining your sister, telling me all about the stuff you want for your birthday, like a tricycle, trucks and a trampoline. Maybe you'd be excited about having a dumptruck cake, or maybe you'd want an animal cake... would you like chocolate or vanilla? Would be be going to Kingston for easter with it being so close to your birthday? Would you and Daddy celebrate your birthdays together in style?

Oh baby boy.. how I wish I knew the answers- and not only just knew the answers- but could experience the answers.

Next Tuesday you should have been two. A two year old little boy who is more loved than so many... a two year old boy who I will never get to see again.. A two year old boy, who makes this twenty-eight year old girl fall to her knees in desperation. How could this happen to you?

I"ll write you again closer to your birthday my baby bear.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Baptism

2010-03-20T19:41:00.000-04:00

Hello Baby Boy,

Tomorrow, your sister is getting baptized. It will be a good day. However, it will be a day of mixed emotions for Mummy. You were Baptized, by the same person who will baptize Charlotte-- but, you were Baptized because you were going to die- you died in mere hours after you were Baptized. So, Baptism has become a sad thing for Mummy.
Tomorrow will be different than the night you were Baptized- tomorrow will be a more joyous occasion- one where people bring presents, sing, kiss your sister, and compliment her on her beautiful white dress. Not one where people kiss me, hold me, and look at me with eyes of sympathy and disbelief.
You will be a part of tomorrow. You will be there in Spirit- Jamie (the minister) will talk about you- YOU will be honoured in front of the church, as you are in our home daily. We will talk about you- and some people will get sad- but it will build Mummy up- how could your sister be Baptized without recognising and honouring her big brother? All the other siblings get to go up to the front with the Mummies and Daddies. We'll just get to talk about you.
Charlotte will be in her white dress, a family gown-- one that has been in my possession for a long time- waiting for you to be Baptized in- but we didn't have time to get it- and I didn't want to spend any moment of the few hours I had left with you in the car driving to get a silly gown!
However, you were in a blue gown, made by a volunteer at the hospital- and you were wrapped in a knitted green blanket. A blanket that I Cherish beyond belief. If you don't mind... Charlotte will be wrapped in the same blanket for her Baptism.. and any babies that might creep there way into our lives from now on- they will too.
I hope that's ok with you. It's one of the few things that they can share with you, that can be the same.. It's one of the only things we can do the same with ALL of our children. and I cherish that.

I love you Noah.
Tomorrow will be hard. Tomorrow will be about your sister- but only a few will know-how much- it is really- about you too.

I love you forever,
Mummy

The water trickled down your beautiful face
becoming more pale as the sun went down

wrapped in green, your beauty shone
Mummy and Daddy holding you,

We told you it was ok
You could say goodbye

It was the only thing we could do for you
The only thing we had left

We could take away your pain, your fear, your sadness
By letting you go

We took on the pain, the fear, the sadness
Because it as the only thing we could do
the only thing we had left
all we had to give.

~Jane
March 20 2010

2010-03-12T15:49:00.002-05:00

I. love. you.

Heartbeat Bear

2010-03-10T09:52:00.000-05:00

Hi Baby Noah,

I haven't written you a little note in a while- sorry about that!
Mummy and Daddy and Charlotte just got back from a trip to Newfoundland to visit Poppy and Grandma.
We had fun there.. but we missed you too.

While I was there I took some pictures of your heartbeat bear! I don't know if you remember... when for about 1 hr, you were annoyed by the ultrasound technition trying to get good pictures of you.. well during that time, they recorded your heartbeat onto a little thing- and we put it inside a teddy bear, and gave one to each of your grandmothers. We did the same for Charlotte's Heartbeat.
One of your Grandma's, I think it afraid to touch your bear- just incase she sets the heartbeat off too often, and the battery wears out- it must be nice to hear your heart once in a while for them! I wish I had a bear.... I thought I was going to have the read thing. Your other Grandma sleeps with hers almost every night- the heartbeat still works, but the bear is getting a little worn looking- which is nice to see- I'm sure you see them snuggling with your bear! she even dressed them up in onsies that belonged to you!

We put the bears, your and charlotte's into my doll pram from when I was a little girl!
Here are some pictures!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Missing my boys

2010-02-17T20:57:00.000-05:00

Hi Baby bear,

I miss you a lot right now.. your sister is having a nap, and Casey wants to go for a walk, but he's going to have to settle for the backyard right now.
Daddy is away right now- he is in Niagara Falls for meetings over the next few days. It's the first time I've been alone with your sister, it will be the first time I've been alone this long since before you were born.

I miss you
your soft hair
the nape of your neck
I miss you

I love you
your wrinkly feet
your long piano fingers
I love you

I need you
your big brown eyes
and little button nose
I need you

I miss you
my only son
my forever joy
I miss you

I miss both my boys right now- luckily, I know Matt is coming home, unluckily, my baby boy is not.

this is the only picture we have of daddy and you.... we thought we'd have a lot more time. This was taken about 1 hour after you were born, on the night of April 6th 2008.... oh, to have that day back... what Mummy would do.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Hope Collage

2010-02-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

Hi Noah,

Jenna's mommy Franchesca graciously does these name collages for babies who have died.
She asks mommies to list a few words that a special, and puts them together to make a beautiful 'Hope Collage'.
Here are yours!

Aren't they beautiful! It's just so hard to think of SOME words that remind me of you, or that I think of when I think of you... everything reminds me of you... the words could have been things like.... blue, table, bath, t-shirt, blanket...... literally, everything reminds me of you.. so I just picked what came to my mind, about the specialness of you (is specialness a word?... it should be!). I love them! Thanks Franchesca!

I love you forever... and ever, and ever

Mummy

My Valentines Boy!

2010-02-14T17:17:00.000-05:00

Hello My Valentine Boy,

It's Valentine's day today. This would be your second valentines day, and I just know you would be giving Mummy lots of hugs and kisses today if you were with me!
Consider yourself hugged and kissed wherever you are today. You are my Valentine boy! Always and forever!

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow made you your very own Valentine Virtual Chocolate! YUMMY!

Isn't that thoughtful?!

Happy Valentines day my beautiful, precious son.

I love you forever,

Mummy

Can you see the flame from where you are?

2010-02-12T10:11:00.000-05:00

Hi Noah Bear,

Today is the beginning of the Olympic games... Mummy LOVES the olympics, for some reason I am obsessed. I was a figure skater for much of my life, and had childhood dreams of being an olympian... of course, that didn't happen- but the Olympics are still soo, soo exciting to Mummy.
It's a little sad this year though. There is an Olympic t-shirt, all the way from Vancouver, bought about 3 years a go when Gramma and Poppy were visiting Vancouver. It's ready for you to wear- but you are not here to wear it. That makes Mummy a bit sad.
Sure, your sister can wear it- although it will be more like a dress on her, since it was bought for someone who was supposed to be almost 2.
Everything tends to be bittersweet now.. this 'new' life of mine is just so different that I thought it would have been, 2 years ago when I was robustly pregnant with you. Oh how I thought things would be perfect, that innocent, ignorance of pregnancy was surrounding me... a happy time, with darkness waiting in the wings.

As I watch the olympics this year- I will think of you
can you see the flame from heaven?
can you feel the excitement from where you are?
oH- how I wish you were here- and I was teaching you all about the different sports, and athletes.... Oh how I wish you were here, to cuddle on the couch and watch the games with daddy and I. Oh how I wish, I wish, I wish....
You will always be my boy, our boy.... probably our only boy... definitely our first boy...

I love you forever,
Mummy

Us, minus you

2010-02-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

Hi Baby boy,

We miss you... we miss you a lot. A lot doesn't really even cut it actually... it's more than that.
Now it's just us, your family, minus you.
here we are

I love you forever,

Mummy

here we are

The Noah Awards

2010-01-30T17:48:00.001-05:00

Hi Noah Bear,

Poppy set up this Award in your name last year. It finally has a web site. We have been raising money for it- and doing a pretty good job! Mostly it is the family doing the donating, but that's ok! We love you!

http://www.med.mun.ca/phru/noah-awards.aspx If you have the internet up there.... check it out!

And if anyone reading this has a few dollars to spare, please consider donating!

I miss you lots today hunny. It's a lazy day at home, it's cold outside... I miss not having you with us- everyone together.

I love you forever,

Mummy

Beautiful Face

2010-01-25T16:58:00.000-05:00

Hi Baby boy... do you remember how beautiful you are? I do!

Here you are in your Noah's Ark sleepers! you were so tiny!

Here you are, sleeping. You loved to be swaddled.

I"ll always remember your beautiful face!

Love you forever,

Mummy

I miss you when......

2010-01-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

I miss you lots today my baby bear.... I miss the 4 person family that I will never get to have all together....

I miss you when I'm happy
I miss you when I'm sad
I miss you when I see your sister cry
I miss you when I see your sister smile
I miss you when I dress you sister in sleepers meant for you
I miss you when I kiss her goodnight
I miss you when she is bathed in your tub
I miss you when daddy kisses her
I miss you when daddy kisses me
I miss you when we go on family walks
I miss you when we play RockBand and Charlotte laughs
I miss you when I see your picture, which happen to be everywhere!
I miss you when I see a froggie
I miss you when I see a g-raf
I miss you at church
I miss you when I go to sleep
I miss you when I sing to your sister
I miss you when I read to your sister
I miss you when I'm taking pictures
I miss you when I go to stores that have things for little boys

I miss you always..... nothing is 'right' without you
Love you forever,
Mummy

:) Happy Friday Noah! :)

2010-01-15T11:28:00.000-05:00

HI Noah bear,

Your sister is sleeping, so I have a little time to write to you and say Hello!

Are you a proud big brother? I'm sure you are. I wish I could have seen you with your sister. I'm sure you would have been an awesome help for Mummy- gathering stuff for me, and making sure the doggy is getting enough attention. I think Charlotte misses you, even though she never did meet you.

You are a big boy now- soon you'll be 2!
Have you grown in heaven, or did you stay little, like you were when you left us? I'm not sure what happens there. In some ways- I hope you stay nice and small, but in other ways I hope you grow into a strong young boy, and man that you would have been if we were allowed to keep you with us. I know I'll never get an answer to that question.... I just wish I knew. I wish I knew a lot of things about you, and how things are where you are, and why it is that you can't be here with Mummy. I would have been such a good Mummy to you if you'd stayed.

It's Auntie Kate's birthday today! I hope you send her birthday wishes from heaven! She is having a little baby cousin for you and Charlotte in May. Uncle Peter is going to be a great Daddy! We don't know if they are having a boy or a girl- we'll find out when the baby arrives! I secretly hope it's a girl.... you are our boy...it would just make it harder if they had a boy... I know, I know- at some point- someone in the family will have a boy- but I'm just not sure I'm ready yet. But if they do have a boy, I will love him like no other Auntie ever has! Don't worry... mostly Mummy is just jealous of people who get to keep their boys. I shouldn't be- but I am! Maybe overtime, this feeling will stop- but I don't know! you've made a big impact on my sweetheart!

I love you Noah- I love you soo, soo, soo much!
I Love you FOREVER,
Mummy

Miss, Miss, Miss

2010-01-07T18:07:00.000-05:00

Hi Baby Bear,

Gramma went home yesterday. I miss her. I think that when I miss other people, like your daddy when he is at work, or away at a meeting, or your grandparents, or your uncle.. then it makes me miss you even more.
Is missing you more, possible? I'm not sure, but today I'm feeling it.
I love you
I love you forever,
Mummy

Your Place

2010-01-01T15:43:00.000-05:00

Hi Baby Bear,

Just wanted to show you a few pictures of your place in Kingston!

Uncle Steve made you a g-raf!! isn't he cute!

here is your snowman solar light!

Your sister and your place. She is all bundled up because it was very cold, and snowy.

There is daddy with the two of you

And Mummy too.

I love you Noah. Christmas is so hard without you. come visit me in my dreams.. please!

I love you, I miss you, I need you.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T11:08:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas Noah- Mummy loves you so much
Christmas will never be the same without you. I hate that you can't be here, but I do love that I can see you in your sister's beautiful eyes.
We go to Kingston on Saturday to visit Grammie and Grampie- we will take Charlotte to see your spot, and take a picture with her, and your big stone. Hope that's ok with you

I hope you get all the candy canes, pressies and hot chocolate that you want!

Love you forever,
Mummy

2009-12-20T18:01:00.002-05:00

Love you..... forever

Mummy

Milton

2009-12-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

Look Noah- Your froggy, Milton got his picture taken by a photographer!!!

Isn't he cute !!

here is your sister, with Milton, your froggy, and her lamby named Lily

Here is your sister all wrapped up in your blanky... it's probably the only time I will let her touch it!

Isn't she cute?? she looks just like you!

I love you forever,

Mummy

Photos by Hope Hanson www.h2photo.ca Charlotte, 1 week old November 24th, 2009

Kisses

2009-11-26T11:22:00.000-05:00

Noah Bear,

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.... x infinity.

I love you baby bear. I miss you so much. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish I could feed you, keep you safe, put you to bed at night and sign you lullabys.
But for now... I can't.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Who's Who?

2009-11-22T21:12:00.000-05:00

Hi Noah- Look how much you and your sister look alike!!

She's much more 'girly' of course- but the similarities are CRAZY!

Just wanted to show you your little sister, and tell you thanks for sending her to look so much like you. It's comforting in many, many ways!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Sister

2009-11-21T08:31:00.000-05:00

Hi Baby boy,
Guess what- You officially have a little baby sister! Oh, How I wish I could have seen your face when you saw her for the first time. She is beautiful- and looks a lot like you!
we are at home now. Charlotte is using a lot of your stuff, like some of your clothes, your blankies, your crib, your bibs. It's hard sometimes to see her use it- but it's good to. I know you would love your sister, and want everything for her that you would have had.

My letters may become short now sometimes... your sister eats a lot, and crys sometimes- so I don't have a lot of computer time anymore!

I love you forever my precious baby boy,

Mummy

2009-11-17T05:18:00.002-05:00

Going to have your baby sister now!
Wish me luck
Love you forever,
Mummy

Do you see her?

2009-11-13T16:47:00.000-05:00

Hello Noah Bear,

4 sleeps until your new baby sister is born. Are you excited? Do you already know what she looks like? How big she'll be? I bet you do! Mummy is excited to find out all that stuff, and excited to know that she is safe.
Do you know if she will be safe?

Mummy doesn't have a lot to do in the next few days- Gramma is here, and she is making Mummy lots of stuff for her freezer, just like she did before you were born. I do hope the next 4 days go fast. Mummy is finding it hard to sleep- I've been waking up in the middle of the night and having a bath- just to change positions. You used to love when Mummy took baths! Do you remember?

I love you Noah. I have no idea what life will bring after your sister is born, so I have no idea how much I will write to you- maybe more, maybe less, maybe the same amount. Either way, I know you know even when I don't write to you- every second I am thinking of you.

I love you forever,
Mummy

Secret Garden Meeting- October

2009-11-06T11:30:00.000-05:00

http://thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/
Are you a bereaved parent- become part of the secret garden meeting. every month there is a question, or series of questions to write and think about.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 19 months, today since Noah was born. A beautiful little boy- we were so in awe, I didn't know I was able to feel such love and adoration. But I did. Those first 24 hours were so 'normal', so wonderful, so surreal. Then, he became sick, and my world came crashing down around me.. he died within 24 hours. 19 Months later- I am doing ok most days... if you ask friends who see me often they'd probably say Noah has changed me, but that I am fine. I am... sometimes, but I don't show when I'm not to my friends.... I don't want to hurt them, or make them sad. I still go through moments of intense anger, sadness, denial, guilt, anxiety... moments when I am not sure that I can take it anymore, moments when I'm not sure how I got where I am... moments I"m not sure I want to be me. I think I will always have these moments... I expect it is normal?
I am 11 days away from delivering my subsequent baby, Charlotte.. a sister for Noah. It's a strange feeling. Everyone around me is so, so happy for me- that I will have a chance to 'mother' again. And so am I... but I don't think others always understand that my future is not going to be like every other mothers future.. when Charlotte cries- I am going to wonder what is wrong, when she spits up, I am going to wonder why- and if she is suffering from the same thing Noah did, when she has her first bath at home, part of me will feel sadness because Noah didn't ever get to do this, when she spends time in her crib, I will have this same feeling... it's Noahs crib, Noah's tub, Noah's high chair, Noah's bouncy chair- but Noah didn't get to use it. It will be bittersweet- I am goingto be sooo happy, I know it- but there will always be that feeling of I WISH, I WONDER... I think that is what some people don't get. Some may think I am nuts if I randomly start crying when Charlotte does something different, or something for the first, second, third, twentyth time.... but it won't be random to me!
In terms of grief- I think I will be ok.. I have a wonderful supportive husband, and for the most part my family gets it. My future holds some intense happiness (which I couldn't see until just a few months ago), and will forever hold that sadness- because a part of my heart is gone, and my family will never be whole here on earth-and that hurts more than most can imagine.

Did I actually answer the question? I'm not sure!

Noah Bear,
I love you sweet monkey. I miss your sweet face.
I love you forever,
Mummy

g-rafs

2009-11-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

muah! love you
I forgot to show you the pictures of the g-rafs from the zoo
thought i'd show you now!
kisses, kisses and more kisses!
love you forever,
mummy

Cole and Breanna have new brothers!

2009-10-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

Hi baby Boy!

You know those little tiny twins you play with in the stars- well, there Mummy and Daddy had new brothers on Sunday! There names are Reece and Matthew. The are very tiny, and came a little too early- but so far- they are doing ok. Send down some wonderful vibes for them and their parents please!

it will be nice to have two more friends for your sister!

Love you forever,
Mummy

kisses

2009-10-26T16:58:00.001-04:00

MUAH- that's a big, huge kiss for my little bear.

I love you Noah.... I love you more than I ever thought was possible to love anyone.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Mummy for the 2nd time

2009-10-18T09:08:00.000-04:00

Good morning my little man,

Mummy is sitting downstairs on this Sunday morning- the TV isn't plugged in, because Daddy has been busy this weekend doing the baseboards- Daddy is still sleeping right now- the kitties are walking around, and your Casey -dog is upstairs with Daddy getting as much sleep as he can.

In some ways- it is nice to be down here alone- just talking to you- reading other people's blogs, listening to the sounds of cars passing by the street, and the furnace kick in and out. but in some ways- it is so sad... if you were here- you'd be 18 months old- my guess is that you would be up and I wouldn't be on this darn computer- I'd be playing with you, making you breaky, taking your dog for a walk with you- bundling you up to go to the park- or making fun plans on how to wake up daddy- i figure tickles and hugs work best!

All of these 'ifs' that won't even happen.

It will be weird to be a mum again.. I know I am your Mummy, and I wll always be your Mummy.. but people here on earth, especially ones who don't know me, or who don't get this life at all- they don't get that I am already a Mummy. It will be hard for me, Noah, to raise your sister- knowing that she is my second beautiful baby- but also doing everything for the first time- other than the stuff that happens in the first two days. I have a child- but.. I've never brought one home... this will be very emotional for Mummy.. I'm pretty sure she won't know what to do with herself!!I know Charlotte will be a girl, and she will be different than you- BUT.. everything will remind me of you, my guess is, even more than it does now.. she will have her own beautiful smell, as you did- but holding her will remind me of you, all the things I will hopefully get to do with her will remind me of what I didn't get to do with you.

Others are so excited about your sister- and don't' worry- so am I!! but- I think so many are so excited because having Charlotte will 'bring my joy back', or 'make me happy again', or 'help me get through life without you'..... none of this will happen without my 'Cherry on top' (that's you by the way!).Sure Mummy will be happy, she is now a lot of the time, you know that... but having Charlotte will not change anything about how I feel about you, how I miss you, or how I love you. I guess people will be happy that life around me will be less awkward for them... less talking about a dead child - no one wants to talk about that, now really- because there will be someone else to talk about... less awkwardness when deciding whether or not I get invited to a baby shower, less awkwardness when they are around me and I get asked how many children I have, or if this is my first pregnancy, less awkwardness altogether. They can call me a Mum without second guessing themselves, they can talk about their babies and children without feeling guarded and wondering if I am going to break down in tears, or how I am feeling inside.

little do they know- yes, it's less awkward perhaps for them- but I will get these questions and comments my entire life 'how many children do you have', 'which pregnancy is this', 'who is that child in the picture', 'why is there a Noah on your family tree as your son? where is he?'...Charlotte will get these same questions- and over time- she will learn her own way of answering them, in a way that helps her deal with not having her older brother, in a way that helps her get through life with as much happiness yet, contentness as possible.

It's hard having you there, and me here in the silence of our house.. it's your house to you know.

It's just hard- sometimes I hate the universe and everything that comes with it.

Going from 26.5 pretty much perfect years to this is hard... so hard... a challenge I wasn't ready for, and was unwilling to be ready for- one that I had no choice but to accept. I'm sorry it was you.. I'm sorry I lost you.. I'm sorry you are not here with Mummy making a plan to wake up Daddy.. I'm sorry you won't get to see your little sister grow up and be here with her as she does, I'm sorry your life was so short. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry... Mummy doesn't know what else to say anymore- I know your death wasn't my fault- but...who else is there to say they are sorry- Mummy's are supposed to make everything better..everything right.. I"m sorry I'll never be able to do that for you.

I love you Noah- more than life itself... I will always love you- no matter what else happens in my life.

Where ever you are, or are not- I hope you can at the very least feel the love I have for you.

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

as long as I'm living

my baby you'll be

Love you forever,

Mummy

Turkey day

2009-10-09T17:48:00.001-04:00

Happy Thanksgiving baby boy!

Hope Nanny makes you a wonderful turkey up there with lots of yummy stuffing! That's mummy's favourite part! don't forget to eat your veggies too though!

Love you.. we will be at Grammies.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Big Brother duties

2009-10-03T13:48:00.001-04:00

Hi Baby boy,

Well.. your little sister is on her way very soon, you must be excited! I can only imagine how excited you would have been if you were here... kissing mummy's tummy, and wanting to buy stuff for your Charlotte.
I've been thinking a lot lately about older brothers. I had your uncle Peter when I was little- he was a great big brother- he read to me, played with me, helped change my diapers- then, when I got a bit older- he made me feel safe at school, he threatened kids who bullied me, he comforted me at my granddaddies funerals... sure- he was sometimes a big brat- and did some annoying things too.. but he was there- a big brother protector for his little sister- whom he loved, and still loves.
I'm sad sometimes that you will not be able to do all that for Charlotte- she will have an older brother- obviously- who loves her from afar and will protect her from afar- but what about the bullies, and the kids who throw rocks at her, and her first day of kindergarten... what about the diaper changing and reading... what about the long talk- and even the annoying brat like behaviour of beheading Barbie dolls... I'm sad that you and her will miss all that... she has a big brother.. but an 'invisible' big brother.. a big brother, who will not be seen by others- only talked about with the highest of praise- because of course- you are perfect- you never had a chance to do wrong.... .. I hope it won't be too hard for Charlotte... having a big brother.. but not.. all at the same time.. I know it is hard for some younger siblings that I have met, whose only sibling had passed away. I imagine there will be times when she just wishes we didn't have to talk about you and you could just be here... those times are constant for Mummy.

Anyway... that's been on my mind a lot latly... big brother duty.. and how it will be so different for her than it was for me, and than it is for most others.
I'm sorry you aren't here to be a wonderful, bratty, annoying and protective big brother.. I'm sorry that's been taken from you.
Protect her from a far..

Love you forever,
Mummy

Blog change

2009-09-30T06:56:00.000-04:00

Charlotte's BlogI've just realized that Charlotte's blog is now hard to get to. Before, we thought her name would start with an N, but it didn't end up that way.. mostly because we couldn't agree on one.. anyway. I've changed the name of the URL because it didn't make sense for charlotte. It seems that it is now hard for those of you who were following that blog as well to find her blog. just incase- the new URL is cherishingcharlotte.blogspot.com ... hope you find it ok. if not, let me know!

Jane

2009-09-23T07:06:00.001-04:00

I love you, I'm sad that you're not here, but I'm glad you are you.

as so many say 'I'm the luckiest unlucky girl I know'

Love you forever,

Mummy

I wish

2009-09-19T22:08:00.002-04:00

Hi Baby boy..

I miss you.. I always will.. I wish this was all just a bad dream.. I wish that I could have you back to stay..I wish, I wish, I wish.... I wish doesn't even seem like the right word.. it's more than a wish- it's a need.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Letters to Noah

Family Pictures

A long time

Wonderful, HeartBreaking Moment

I wonder... and the cemetery

A 'What if' Day

Grief is Hard

Kindergarten

Easter Frog

Love you Forever

Because Every 3 Year Old Loves Taco's.... right?

Birthday Boy

Imagine

Little Joys: Mail

Noah's 3rd Birthday - Donation Drive

Greek Yogurt

Sometimes I wonder

he was here...

I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry

i miss you

for kids

the little things

Pie Throwing Festival!!

Insert 2 1/2 year old boy....

Back at SickKids

Bittersweet day

Breakfast

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Perfect

Why?

You've Taught Me

Moving

I wish I knew...

Saltwater Joys

Normal

Noah, Hello Goodbye. I'll see you on the other side

hi

10th Annual Lucas Holtom Carnival

Do you remember?

bitter

I found the key to happiness :)

Censorshi(t)p

Butterfly Release number 3

me

New Look!

the little things

Prayers for Norah

fear, fate, faith and Norah

1st, first cousin

Mother's Day

Prayers Needed

Cousin

Happy 1st Birthday Jenna Belle

How can blenders make me sad?

Doing good in her name

Poem

Note to self

howdy

GPS

.......

Pictures from Your 2nd Easter/Birthday

Happy 2nd Birthday Noah

Noah's 2nd Birthday... wanna help?

I should be....

Baptism

Heartbeat Bear

Missing my boys

Hope Collage

My Valentines Boy!

Can you see the flame from where you are?

Us, minus you

The Noah Awards

Beautiful Face

I miss you when......

:) Happy Friday Noah! :)

Miss, Miss, Miss

Your Place

Merry Christmas

Milton

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