Another Surgery

Hi Noah Bear,

It's been a while since I've written- but don't you think that means I've stopped thinking of you- you are always on my mind!

Mummy has been really flustered this week. A lot of the raw emotions that came with your sickness and death have been coming back. Your little brother, Spencer, is having surgery tomorrow. It is a minor, routine and needed surgery. It isn't an emergency, and he isn't sick.  I know this, logically... but my mind can't help itself going back to that terrible day 7 years ago in April when your surgery ended with a terrible prognosis and our hearts were broken.

In my history- when my child has surgery, they die.

The logical person in me is saying- come on- this is routine, in and out- he will be under anaesthesia for a little while and will be fine.

The grieving mama bear in me is saying- NO- I must save my baby from the sure fate of death, and save myself from the black hole, called life, that follows.

The what if's emerge... what if he doesn't react well to the anaesthesia, what if the surgeon makes a human error? a slip of the hand? what if, what if, what if.

Luckily, right now, the logical person in me is winning- I'm functioning... tomorrow morning, when they wheel him away from me... into the operating room... I have no idea what to expect from myself.  I'll either be a basketcase of tears and anxiety.. or a quiet mess of worry inside my own head. Either way, I will be so, very, happy when it is over and he is home.

think of Mummy and Daddy and Spencer tomorrow! I know you'll be right there with us.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Her Necklace

Dear Noah,

Charlotte is 4 now. Although if you ask her, she would probably tell you she is '4 and a half and 3 weeks'. She growing up so fast. She is at a stage where, I think her little mind is really trying to figure out about you, Noah.  We have always been open and honest with her. YOu are part of our family, and in as many ways as we can, we include you- there are photos around our home, you have a scrapbook, your frog comes with us on trips and in photos, we speak about you very often. She knows you are not here, and are not coming back. She thinks of you when she sees white butterflies and rainbows, she asks most times when we pass a cemetery 'Is that where brother Noah lives?'

The other day, we were getting out of our car after being away somewhere for the day. Charlottes little friend fro across the street came over to greet her. it was a nice greeting! Then the little ones said- 'Charlotte, What does your necklace say?' , and charlotte went on to have a big conversation- one where I think the little girl was a little bit confused, but it helped me realize that Charlotte really does have a grasp on what she is missing by missing you.

The very one sided conversation went something like this:

L- "What does your necklace say'
C- 'Oh, It says 'BIG SISTER'. Because I'm Spencer's big sister. But I could have one that says little sister too, because I"m a little sister too, did you know that?' - Stopping for breath but not long enough for L to answer. "Ya, I was almost a little sister too, i had a big brother, who was only a baby, named Noah, but he died, because he was sick, he had a disease in his tummy.  So I almost got to have a necklace that says little sister, but at least I'm a big sister, and Spencer is still here'.
L- 'Huh?, Ok… Wanna play on your swings?'

Broke my heart and made it swell with pride all at the same time.

She's such a good girl… she's a strong girl.
Noah is lucky to have her as a little sister, just as Spencer is lucky to have her as his big sister.

Love you forever Noah,
Mummy

March

Baby boy, 

Every March since you were born and died has been so hard. I've said it before, but I think the lead up to your birthday is much harder than the actual day. March has always been a time when I wonder... Day dream.. Play the 'what if' game with myself. 

You'd be getting ready for your 6th birthday party. 

Playing in the snow

Making some good friends in kindergarten

Picking out some green clothes to wear for St. Patricks day

Batting your beautiful eye lashes at me while you ask for some sort of superhero figure for your birthday.

I see you in your little brother, and I feel you too.  The way the light hits his face as it shines in the window. The way he looks at me, with wonder and contentment. The way he falls asleep in my arms, like he can't get close enough. 

He is a good boy, and a curious, active boy, he loves life and I think will be the type of little boy who will live life for the two of you! I hope he is! 

I love you Noah, 

Love you forever, 

Mummy 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Noah, 

My special, wonderful first born. Today is a day that I miss you so much. Amidst the wrapping paper and chocolate, lights and turkey. Amidst the laughter of your brother and sister as they fearlessly rip open paper and boxes... You are always on my mind. 

I love you, forever. 

Mummy 

Over my Shoulder

Dear Noah,

Your little brother Spencer is a good, happy, lovely baby. He sleeps and eats and laughs and plays. Your sister is the bestest big sister ever. She's so wonderful with him.

Latly I've noticed something. When I am in Spencer's room, he looks in the same area of the room, towards the closet and smiles and laughs. As if he is looking at someone or something. While I'm changing his bum, when I have him in my arms.... Lately, it's anytime we are in his room.

I can't help but think... It's you!

I've always thought it a little strange, but I feel you in that room. We've moved house, even provinces since you were here. In the house we were living in when you were born your room was where I felt you the strongest.  For many months after you were gone, I would go into your room in the evening and say goodnight to you. I would go in, hold your picture and cry. Wow.. In those moments I never thought I would be in the place I am now- surviving, happy, and mother living children.

We are using many of the same baby things for Spencer as we were meant to use for you- bed sheets, clothes, wall hangings etc.  Maybe that's why I feel you in his room.

Whatever the case may be... Looking in that side of his room makes him so happy. He giggles and smiles, gets a little coy face and cuddles into my shoulder, as if someone is smiling back at him.  Yesterday he even reached out his arms towards where he was looking.

I think Spencer feels you. I think he knows that someone came before him, someone so special. When he's old enough he will learn, like your sister, about you, and your meaning in our lives, and place in our family. But for now, he'll smile at you from my shoulder.

If only babies could tell you what's on their mind... I'd love to hear abut you!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Little Regret

Dear Noah Bear, 

I miss you an extra lot today. I'm not sure why today is different. It isn't an anniversary, birthday, holiday or milestone. It's just, today, and some days are like that! 

I can help but think of all the little things I didn't get to do in those two precious days we had with each other. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that we got to do what we did, many don't even have that chance... I read you a book, sang to you, you tried to nurse, I swaddled you, I hugged and kissed you took pictures of you and looked into your beautiful eyes. 

It may seem so weird to some, But I can't help but realize.. That I don't remember what your little bum looked like. I actually don't know if it is that I don't remember, or  never actually got to look at it. I had a c-section, and so Daddy and Ama and Grammie did most, if not all of the diaper changes and clothing changes. And since babies wear diapers.. I don't think I ever got to see your bum. 

So much happened in the 48 hrs we had together, visitors, recovering from major surgery, stress over eating (or not eating), cuddles and hugs, birth registration forms, and then.... NiCu visits, hospital transfers, surgery and saying good bye. 

2 days is nowhere near long enough to do all a parent wants with their child, but it was all I had with you. 2 precious days. 2 wonderful days. 2 days of memories ingrained in my mind for all time.  

I just wish I had seen that little bum of yours.  

Parents, don't take the time you have with your children for granted. Look into their eyes, tell them you are proud of them and love them, play with them, let them discover the world around the, and don't forget to look at their little bums... They won't let you do that for long! 

I love you Noah. You made me a mother, you are a part of me, and our family always.

Love you forever, 

Mummy 

Halloween Rant

Well, 5.5 years into my grief journey, there isn't a lot of things that are major triggers for me. Now, don't get me wrong, Noah is thought of, remembered, honoured, and loved every day.  There are days when I am more sad than others, life is up and down, you know, like all of us, baby loss or not. 

I'm talking about things that trigger anger, frustration, really difficult days, really difficult days. 

I'm happy to say there aren't a lot of triggers anymore.. I can even finally be in the vicinity of a pregnant person, or even a baby shower, without wanting to melt away, or without wanting to let them know how wonderful that pregnancy ignorance is.. And how it can be taken away in an instant.

 But Halloween, oh Halloween. How I loath you. 

I've never loved Halloween, except the candy of course. But now it rocks me to my core. It's changed the past few years, and I don't think it is just my perception, although entirely possible, I think Halloween decor has gone way.to.far. 

What ever happened to pumpkins, jack o lanterns, black cats and smiley bats? The odd friendly ghost and witch on a broom stick? Or even a cauldron and a witches potion?  

 Now, go into any Halloween store, or even your local walmart... And it's not so innocent anymore. 

Obviously what rocks me the most are the dead baby decorations.... Yes, you read that correctly, dead baby decorations. They are there, in many varieties, zombie babies, babies with knives through them, babies with blood ozzing from their mouths, babies with bites taken out of them. Yes, I understand, they are decorations, and probably made to resemble some character from a scary movie, meant to scare or creep out guests at that upcoming Halloween party. But before you make your way out to buy one of these dead babies

....Think...

 There is someone right now, in the hospital in your town,  holding their very own dead baby, but it's different, this baby came with hopes and dreams and a future they will not see a future their loving, adoring parents wanted for them. This baby is real.  There may be blood coming out of an orphise on this baby, but this time, it isn't scary like those dolls in the store, it is real, it is sad, it is oh so heart breaking. Or maybe, there are parents rocking and singing to their baby, whom they know, has only a matter of minutes, hours, or days before they can no longer rock them, or sing to them again.. Ever. 

Now imagine, just for a moment ( because I don't wish this on my worst enemy) but just imagine you are one of those parents, maybe a 6 months, a year, or two, or three after you've said good bye and buried your child.  You walk innocently into a Halloween store to get a costume for a party, only to see a mockery of a baby, oh wait not just one.. Many... And people are looking and laughing and buying. This very vision makes you want to curl up into a ball, vomit in disgust.

Or, you innocently look through your Facebook newsfeed in the days leading up to Halloween, only to see that one of your 'friends' has decided this is just the decoration they need to adorn their house. You get a pit in your stomach, you want to yell and scream... 'You came, and wept with me, you saw my dead baby, in his casket, and now, you think it's a fun, funny, cute, or creepy decoration?????' 

These people, who buy these decorations, have most likely never lost a child, or baby. 

But some are parents... What is this saying to their children, who see them laugh and spook at the site of their new 'decor'.... When next month, their teacher looses a baby, or they hear about it on the news and that very same parent has to tell that young child how sad it is, and how precious every child and baby is... But at Halloween we think dead babies are funny?

And some are teens or young adults....Who right now,  are invincible, having fun, being care free, but one day, their best friend, sister, cousin, or heaven forbid, themselves may hold their own dying baby. And then, when they are able to face celebrating  a holiday, they will unpack their Halloween storage box, and amidst the pumpkins and spiders will be this baby, a plump, dead baby replica.. And they will realize the ignorance and innocence of their younger years, and may think about just how many people they caused a very rough day, because they decided a dead baby was funny. 

It's not just dead babies. What about decorations of people hanging on nooses, of accident victims.... The list goes on, these have gone too far too. 

Ok, so some of you reading this may think... Halloween Scrooge. And maybe I am. I am willing to take that name if it means just one person, just one person, may think about what they do before they pay money for a dead baby decoration to 'frighten up' their next spooky event. 

I've held a dead baby in my arms, a real baby, my first baby, his name is Noah Curtis Godwin Lloyd, he was just about perfect in every way, except that one malformation inside his little body, which nobody knew about,  which killed him. I sang to him, and read him stories, I fed him, I loved him, I wanted him. He was adored, he is loved and he is forever missed.  Babies die, for real. It isn't funny, it shouldn't be mocked.

So please, when you are at the store looking for some decorations for that party, which you should have, it's a good idea to party! It's good for the soul! How about pumpkins, bats, black cats, spiders, orange and black things, witches on broom sticks, jack o lanterns.... But please, for the love of parents who understand what it's like to be me, leave out the pretend dead babies.  Let our children rest in peace. 

Jane

----------

Dear Noah, 

I know this is where I write my letters to you. But this has been in my my mind latly, and I had to get it off. 

I love you my dear boy, so, so much. Thank you for visiting me in  the eyes of your baby brother, and on the wings of those beautiful white butterflies.

I love you more than words can say, 

Love you forever, 

Mummy, 

You're in Him

Dear Noah, 

I've always felt you. You are in the trees which rustle in the breeze, you're in the giggles of small children, and the silence of my living room when the family it in bed. I  feel you always 

Your brother arrived, as planned, on April 30th. He was, and is a healthy little boy. His own little person with his own little personality coming out more and more everyday. Your sister adores him. She can't help herself but to cuddle and kiss him whenever she can. 

He is himself, a unique, wonderful boy. But you are in him. I can feel you.

He has your knowing eyes. Those eyes that you look into and see a soul. A being. A spirit. A life. A deep emotion. Those eyes that are bright and open, taking in all they can. I can tell he will be a boy who sees the good in people, and does good for people, for the world, for his family, for himself. 

I wish you had a chance to be his big brother here on earth to cuddle him and kiss him, and fight over time with him with your sister. 

Thank you for putting a little bit of you in him. So now, I can not only feel you everywhere, but I can get a glimpse of you too.  

I'll attach a few pictures of your brother, Spencer. 

I'll love you forever, Noah. 

Mummy

5 Years and a lot of catch-up!

Dear 5 year old Noah,

This week was your birthday.. Imagine- 5 years! I've been thinking about that what if's lately about having a 5 year old boy, planning a birthday party for his Kindergarten class, the excitement of being 5 years old!  I so wish you were here for cuddles.

A lot has happened since I wrote last. I'm sure you know- I know I don't have to write for you to know whats happening with your people :)

Mummy is having another baby- a little brother for you and Charlotte... and.... he arrives in 3 weeks! It's been a good, but tiring pregnancy. Sometimes I don't know if it's my body telling me that 3 pregnancies is quite enough, or that I'm getting too old for this, the fact that I am chasing around a 3 year old,  or if it's the depths of grief raring it's ugly head as the anxiety of birth and the days after takes over. ... but... this pregnancy has been different! Fine, Healthy, but different.

Your brother is scheduled to arrive on a Tuesday, just like Charlotte did.

Here is Charlotte- Excited about being a big sister! 

Here is Charlotte with your memorial stone here in Newfoundland. It is in the memory garden at Bannerman Park. 

Here is your brother at a recent 3d ultrasound!

and again!

We are really excited about your brother being on his way! We can't wait. But it is also a bit bittersweet... our family will be complete after the birth of him, our last child... but... we will never have our first with us again.. we will never really be a whole family to go on vacations or take silly photos or have Saturday morning dance parties with wooden spoons and hair brushes.  

Wanna know what his name will be? Here's a photo to show you!

I love you Noah bear! I miss you so much, and wish I could have given you a big huggle snuggle on your birthday- and every day! 

Love you forever, 

Mummy

Family photos

Hi baby bear!

We try, each year before fall to get family photos!! This year we are in a new place , so I don't have my usual friend photographers around, so I had to scout out a new one!! I found Jennifer Dawe Photography. She-was-awesome!!!!
So far we have our sneak peeks ... What a tease! I can't wait to see more!
Charlotte was a real ham the day of the shoot, hyper and in a running mood! Jennifer made us feel comfy and happy! We also strategically had the photos taken at he park where your memorial stone is, so we could get some photos of it too! And of course, your froggy Milton made it in too!

http://jenniferdawe.com/PhotoBlog/newfoundland-family-photographers-the-lloyd-family-jennifer-dawe-photography/

I had to share the link that way... Because I am on my iPad and can't figure out the blogger app beyond simple typing !

Just wanted to share!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Another memorial

Hi baby bear,
Now that we live in st. Johns, we wanted something here in the city as a memorial to you. We have your grave in Kingston, your tree in Brampton, and now, a stone in the walkway of the garden of memories at Bannerman park in St. Johns

Here is a photo of your sister laying by your new stone!

It's a beautiful park and it is in the midst of being renovated and revitalized, it's really close to AMA and Poppy's house, and has a nice big play park in it! I can see us being there quite a bit!!
Love you forever!
Mummy

'Someone Came Before You'

Dear Noah Bear,

Your sister is understanding little-by-little, more and more about you. We've always talked about you, spoken your name, honoured your memory and kept family traditions that involve your memory. We always will. But before now she was just too young to understand what a brother is (without seeing one) let alone understand the death of an older brother, who was a baby, who isn't here anymore. It's all a little confusing for an adult mind, let alone a toddler!

She has a book called 'Someone Came Before You', which is a book I bought a year or so ago. I've read it to her once or twice before, but latly she has picked it to be one of her bedtime books most nights! She takes time on each page to ask questions, and try to understand what is happening. I think she is really starting to comprehend. Today, when we weren't reading it she even asked some questions about the 'special little baby', who died, who made room in mummy and daddy's heart for another little baby- and that little baby was her!

You can find out more about the book HERE.

Noah, you are such a special part of our family, and always will be!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Family Pictures

Dear Noah,

Life is sweet- I'm sure you've looked down on us lately and noticed how happy life is. Day to day we spend with people we love, talk to those who aren't as close, and find ways to honour your memory.

Family vacations, family pictures, family weddings- are all hard spots for me. After you died I didn't think there would ever be a time when I would be happy, not truly happy. Now, I am happy-- but there is always a 'but'.  ... You aren't here. You will always be missing on vacations, and pictures and partys and weddings.

We, your family will never, ever forget you. But I feel like you are little, by little being forgotten by the world. I feel the need to do more things in your memory, to include you in photos and in posts.

We had family pictures taken a few weeks ago. I missed you. We brought your Milton Froggy with us for the pictures.  Here is one:)

I love how your sister holds your froggy with such care. She is getting to know you. She calls you 'Buffa Norwah', and she  smiles when she looks at your pictures. 

Both of you are blessings to us. You both have changed my world.

I love you Noah, and miss you so much. What I would do for another cuddle, another day, another minute. 

Love you forever, 

Mummy

A long time

Noah Bear,

It's been a long time since I posted here. Longer than I ever thought it would be. I've written- I just haven't published the posts. I keep thinking that my posts aren't 'good enough', or might be taken the wrong way, or in a different way than I intended! really- I think I care too much about what other people think.and I hate that that feeling has affected my blog- the place I used to feel so safe writing.

Christmas has come and gone- and so has 2011. It was a good year, as years without you go. Charlotte keeps us very busy, and life continues to be busy too.

All through our busy life, we don't stop remembering you, and thinking of you. Wondering, wishing, hoping.

Christmas was quite fun this year- Your sister actually understood a bit about it- she knew it was special, she knew is was fun, she loved the presents and the whole idea of santa claus. It was so nice to see her face- innocent and full of wonder, surprise and glee as she saw the Christmas tree lights, hung her stocking, say the presents under the tree, heard the Christmas crackers open at the dinner table.... but as always, there was something missing. I caught myself many times wondering how the moment might be different with you here.. with a little 3 1/2 year old running around with that precious little 2 year old. Wishing you were here to share in the joy of Christmas.

Every year since you were born your Grammie has gotten you an ornament. It's a nice tradition. She gets one for Charlotte as well.  Our tree is full of 'Noah' things- frogs and g-rafs, angels and butterflies, and now, 4 little ornaments from Grammie! Of course, there is lots of other things on the tree too.

Charlotte is beginning to learn more about you. She knows your picture, calls you Noraw (not to be confused with 'NaNa', which is what she calls her cousin, Norah).  Ama took Charlotte to a production called 'Love you Forever' where a production company acted out a few different Robert Munsch books. Ever since then, Charlotte has been obsessed with the song 'Love You Forever', whish is the song I quote everytime I close a blogspot to you. She sings it to her baby, sings it to be, and asks to be sung it at least 5 times a day. It's comforting to sing that song.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

I only wish I could be singing it with Charlotte AND you in my arms.

Merry Christmas Baby Bear

Love you forever,
Mummy

Here is a not so good quality picture of the 2009 ornament from Grammie! It's a little boy angel on a candle, and it says 'sleep in heavenly peace' 

Wonderful, HeartBreaking Moment

Dear Noah,

Today is Mummy's birthday. I'm 30. It's funny, because when I was little, 30 seemed so, so, so old. It seemed as if when you are 30 your life is almost over. When I was little I felt like all 30 year olds had life all figured out, their plans had been made and fulfilled. My plan was to have finished having all of my family by the time I was 30. Who knows, maybe I am finished. We'll have to see what the next few years bring for Mummy's aging, and fertility - challenged womb.  I guess 30 means I am all grown up. Somedays I really don't feel like it- and other days, I feel like I have aged enough in the past few years that I should be a 70 year old women.

I wanted to tell you about a moment I had with your sister the other day. We were playing in her playroom (you would love it! it's cat in the hat themed- with yellow walls, and all the books, toys and craft supplies you would ever want.)  We were playing with Charlotte's babies, because right now, she loves babies. Mummy had her locket on that Grammie gave me soon after you died. Charlotte loves necklaces, so she was playing with it while it was on Mummy's neck. I said 'gentle' and so she started to rub the locket instead of pulling on it (your sister is slowly learning to be more gentle!! it's taken a while!)
Then she said 'see, see', which means she wants to see something more closely.
So I opened up the locket

Charlotte said 'E', which means Baby

and I said ' yes, That's Noah. '

'NoNah' said Charlotte (which is what she calls cousin Norah, so I'm not sure if she thought you were Norah or not!)

Then I said 'Brother Noah'

and Charlotte said 'Buffa', gave your picture a kiss, and said  'awwww, Buffa'.

This melted Mummy's heart, and broke it at the same time.  I want her to know you and love you, she will know you and love you. But I so, so want things to be different. I want her to KNOW you , really, and truly know you- play with you, argue with you, play games with you... This was a perfectly, wonderful, yet heartbreaking moment.

Charlotte is young, very young. She isn't going to understand about you, her brother, for a while yet.  But I will keep talking to her about you for now, ad forever- at her level, to  help her understand that you were here, you are with us, and you are loved.  Loved like any other brother or sister than may grace us with their precious presence.  Loved, like she is loved- without all the same cuddles, and kisses.

I love you Noah.
Forever and ever, and ever, and ever- you are my baby boy!

Love you forever,
Mummy