I wish

Hi Baby boy..

I miss you.. I always will.. I wish this was all just a bad dream.. I wish that I could have you back to stay..I wish, I wish, I wish.... I wish doesn't even seem like the right word.. it's more than a wish- it's a need.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Morning

Good Morning Little Man,

Daddy and I went to visit Kingston on the weekend, so we went to the cemetery to visit your site as well. There is a chipmunk living under your flowers- I bet you'd love chipmunks!

Grammie doesn't like them though- they scare her everytime!

Just wanted to let you know that I love you, and I wanted to say Hello, and Good morning.

This is Mummy's first day at work with the kids for this school year- hopefully it goes well.

I love you Noah- I wish you were here with Daddy and I.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Honest Scrap Award

I've been given an Honest Scrap award by Akul's Mama , at http://aajaakul.blogspot.com/ . Thanks!

"This award is for bloggers who post from their heart, those who write from the depths of their soul."

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers:
Beth - http://stillmybabykatie.blogspot.com/

Heather - http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/

Rebekah - http://mylifeafterlevi.blogspot.com/

Rachel - http://sweetangelmemories.blogspot.com/

Sarah - http://footprintsofangels.blogspot.com/

Cameron's Mom- http://www.lifewithoutcameron.com/

Sally - http://tuesdayshope.blogspot.com/

10 honest things about me:

1. I am much less 'OK' than most people in my daily life think I am. For some reason I portray this image of a strong, 'with it', 'together' woman-- people do'nt realize that I'm not.

2. I wish I were younger- even though I am already young- I wanted to be finished having my children by now- and to the world, I am just beginning.

3. I don't dream about Noah- but I wish I did

4. I secretly love reality TV!... I know, I know!

5. My last truly happy day was April 7th 2008. I have come to grips with the fact that none of my days will ever be this happy, as I will never have my complete family here with me. I will never be truly complete here on earth without Noah.

6. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor... now, I'm terrified of them, and nurses, and hospitals, and any opinion they may have.

7. I could work harder at my job.

8. The past 17 months has felt so long, yet has also been a blur- which I can't escape from.

9. I hate when people ask me 'how are you feeling', in regards to the pregnancy, and then say things like 'How have the ultrasounds been', I say.. 'fine' they say, 'well, you have nothing to worrry about then- you will have a healthy baby'. It makes me want to shake them and say- Noah was thought to be 'healthy' until about 12 hours before he died in my arms.

10. blogging helps me grieve- it helps me think- it helps me be me- somewhere where people understand what it might be like to be me- somewhere where speaking of a dead baby is not taboo, and is not reacted to by turning away in awkwardness. Thank you all for that.

Well, That's that.

happy blogging everyone

Hello Baby Noah,

Another one of those blog posts that isn't a letter to you- must be confusing sometimes! But you're a smart boy, you'll figure it out!

Gramma and Grampy arrive today with Auntie Kristin.

I wish you were here to see them,

Love you forever,

Mummy

Goodnight my beautiful prince...

Love you forever,

Mummy

Beauty

Hi Baby boy-

I hope wherever you are- you are told how beautiful you are.

I was thinking about that last night... it's so sad how many people didn't get to see your beauty, your handsomness, your absolute purity and innocence that pictures just can't grasp. The life that was in you in your short life was more than some adults have in their long number of years- you were full of life, full of wonder, full of beauty- your eyes were big- as if you knew you had to open them wide to see all you could see before you were gone.... such a beauty

I was one of the lucky few to see such beauty.

Just thought I'd let you know...

I love you forever,

Mummy

Your tree

Hi Monkey,

The other day, Daddy and I placed a geocache by your tree!

It's name is 'Noah's Cache'

So now, people, whoever else plays the game, and goes to find it- will also find your tree- and be able to stop for a moment and realize how special you are!

We hid it under the green frog that used to be in our garden- it has a hole in its bum- so we hid it in there! he he he.

for those of you who don't know what geocaching is- it is a wonderful family activity that is like a scavenger hunt all over the world. All you need is the internet, and a cheap GPS ( www.geocaching.com )

Just thought i'd let you know- lots of people have already found it!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Good Day

Hi baby boy,

Mummy just wanted to let you know that she is having a good day down here! I'm a little bored being off work.. but like it better than working, so I can't complain!

I hope you are having a good day too. I love you. I miss you

Love you forever,

Mummy

Hope

Dearest Boy,

Today I'm thinking alot about hope... Hope- as in, hope for our future as your family, and Hope- as in, a wonderful women I know's little girl, whose 1st birthday it is in heaven.

I remember your first birthday- it was so hard for Mummy and Daddy, mostly the lead up to it was hard, because I didn't know how I was going to deal with it.. and you know Mummy... always needing to be prepared. But, how can you prepare for the loss of your child, your first child, after a wonderful pregnancy.. like you, my Noah, and Sally and Simon's Hope.

Today will be a hard day for Hope's Mummy and Daddy too.. everyday is a hard day for someone whose lost a child- but the first birthday- that's the toughest so far.

I miss you Noah, I wish you were here to see Mummy's tummy growing because of your baby sister- I wish you were here to help us pick out some clothes for her, and to come to the hospital to see her when she is born... I wish, I wish, I wish... these wishes will never be granted.

I wish noone else would ever lose a child-- this wish can never be granted either.

I wish Hope's parents and the little, beautiful little boy growing inside her Mummy's tummy find peace today, some solace from the ongoing storm of grief, and some comfort that they have a beautiful daughter watching over them, knowing that she is loved. I hope this wish is granted.

Love you forever,

Mummy

we're back!

Daddy and Casey
Mummy and Charlotte
Your name in the sand in the evening
the froggy that came to visit us!
the geese flying by!

Hi Baby Boy,

Cottage was great fun for Daddy and I, and Casey! Casey puppy learned how to swim!!! I'm going to upload some pictures, and maybe even a video for you!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Hi Monkey,

Well sweet darling boy, Daddy and I are going away for a little while. We have booked a cottage up North where I don't think there will be any internet service, and even if there is- I need a break.
I know I don't write religiously every week anyway- but, just in case you miss me, you know where I am.

Daddy and I plan to relax, go in the canoe, sit by the fire, cuddle lots- all these things we would have done with you this year too.. you would fit in a life jacket by now, and could go out canoeing with Daddy and I and your puppy Casey. I wish you were here..... I wish Daddy had gotten the chance to teach you about fires, and canoeing. He loves you so much.

We;ll be back next week. Don't forget how much we love and miss you my sweet, sweet boy. You are so loved- and although all I have are pictures and memories-- I love you more each day-- even without seeing your growing, beautiful, happy face that you would have right now if you were with me.. more each day.

I love you forever,
Mummy

Hi

I love you forever,

Mummy

The Secret Garden Meeting- Formerly- Under the Tree

Hi Baby Boy, Remember.. each month Mummy does this theraputic writing from http://www.thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/ - Don't worry, another little letter will come soon!

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?


I've been thinking about this a lot latly. So many people see their baby/ies as angels... I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure what I think. it changes really. I see him as safe, or at least I hope he is safe. In a way he is here.. in me.. in everything I do.. in everything Matt and I do. I think he will be in Charlotte (currently in my belly!), although she will never get the chance to meet her big brother.. he will be in her, living through her, her life, her health, her happiness and times with us. Even if she doesn't know it, he'll be there. so really, it's hard to explain... I don't know where I imagine Noah.. maybe I don't want to imagine him anywhere else but where he should be.. safe, in my arms, in his daddies arms, in his beautiful crib, in his room made just for him. Maybe that's why I have no idea where I imagine him. All I know is- I'm living, and somehow- I am trying my best to have him live with me in my heart. To many this may sound absolutly mad.. to others.. those who have lost their precious children... you may just
know exactly what I mean.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Well, at first I didn't think it would change much- sure, I'd be anxious. But, Noah's pregnancy was wonderful (which I am very happy about now). I felt the best I have ever felt! I lvoed being pregnant- all those 'bad' and 'scary' feelings I once had were gone, I was so happy, mentally, emotionally and physically.. I could have been pregnant forever. until the end when I was quite physically daunting!. The birth was pretty much as expected.. I had a c-section after being overdue 2 weeks, and 3 failed inductions- but I expected a section.. not sure why, I just did.

SO the birth of Charlotte (I am currently 23 weeks pregnant), will be similar, a c-section, however a scheduled one, at 38 or 39 weeks.

But this pregnancy.. oh boy! I do feel good, I feel great actually. BUT it's hard. I don't have a good 'after birth' experience.. my heart knows-- you go to the hospital, have a baby ( a beautiful one), you feel the most intense love you have ever felt in your life, then.. it's gone.. no, not the love- with the physical existance of your son, no more cuddles, no more kisses, no more beautiful eyes looking up at me from my breasts.. nothing. So, if that's my experience- that's what I know.. then it's sort of what I expect. Don't get me know- I am quite a realistic person- and realize that this probably, more than likly, WON"T happen again (thank the lord!) - but it is what I know. You know? Again, people who haven't experienced this probably think I am realy for a mental hospital and need serious help! I think I'm doing fine.. and I'm sure those of you who 'get it', 'get it'... if you know what I mean.

Thanks for Listening!

Hey Munkin.. I love you tons and tons.. you're the best baby boy a Mummy could have!

Love you forever,

Mummy

I Promised!

Hi Munchkin Bear!
Well, Mummy is feeling a little better today- not that I don't miss you- but I got lots of sleep last night LOTS.. almost too much actually :) I guess I need to get all the sleep in that I can before your sister comes!

Only 3 more days of work left for Mummy before she has a full month off of work YAY!
It will be nice to rest, and relax!

I hope you're safe and warm, whereever you are
I love you, I love you, I love you forever,
Mummy

Sorry for this little rant.. you'll forgive me right? Next time a sweet letter- promise!

Hi Baby Boy,

We've officially named your baby sister! Her name will be Charlotte!

I think she even looks like a Charlotte in her ultrasound picture.

How are you? Can you feel it? Feel that people are thinking of you less latly?? Not Daddy and I of course- but others? I can feel it... with Charlotte on the way... this new hope- which beleive me, is a good thing-- I feel like some people just expect us to forget about you, or assume that we are completly over our loss... OVER YOU... NEVER. I think being pregnant brings up emotions all over again, and different ones. Others see my growing belly, glowing face and 'happy' smile, and think all is right in the world again.

All is ok in the world.. but it will never be right.. not without you. how could it? You deserved to live a long, full, healthy life. You didn't deserve to have a big scary surgery before you were 48 hours old. You didn't deserve to be attached to those terrible machines to help you breath while we were hugging, kissing, talking and singing goodbye to you. You didn't deserve any of that.. none of it. But you got it. you got it all... all of that.. and you didn't even get to stay. You were a fighter but not a survivor.. noone hears those stories in the news.

I guess people don't really get that Yes, I am pregnant again, yes, I am happy, and healthy... but Yes... I still grieve my son, I long for my son, I miss my son, I need my son, I think about my son all of the time, I don't walk a step without having the weight of the world on my shoulders- the anger, guilt, stress, hurt, pain, grieve and love for a boy who didn't get his chance to shine like the others of the world. Now... carry a pregnancy with that on your mind.... would it be the same as every other pregnancy? Would it be a wonderful experience? Would it take away all your worries? Would it keep you from spiriling down into a dark hole? Would it help your grieve.... No. People don't see it, or want to think about it. but it's my reality.

Would I take back knowing you for those 2 days.. never, not in a million years- but I would like people to understand.. I know they can't, not unless they've been through a similar experience- and I don't wish that on anyone, not an enemy, not a terrible person.

Noah, I'm sorry for speaking like this in your letter.. but as I've said before- if you were here with me, I wouldn't be speaking like this!! My goodness- those are adult words- adult words that I probably wouldn't have the guts to say face to face to people. But I know you don't mind what Mummy says. I know that you know it all already- you know the love I have for you, the love I will always have.

I'm looking at your picture- you have so much life in your eyes, so much colour in your skin, and so much love pouring out of that little face. Sometimes it still so hard for me to think about the fact that I will never see that face again. No more snuggles, no more cuddles... not even a kiss. I wish I could kiss you my love.. I need to.. but I can't.. I never will.. and it nearly kills me everyday.

I love you, I love you, I love you.... forever,

Love, Mummy

Hi

I love you my boy. I miss you a lot today. Wish you were here enjoying the summer with Daddy and I.

Love you forever,
Mummy