GPS

Hi Baby Bear,

Mummy and Daddy and Charlotte just got back from an exciting trip to Radio World for daddy to get a GPS for his birthday! I think i've told you about Geocaching before- well, this GPS makes it easier to upload caches and can do all sorts of other things!
Daddy is excited!
He is down in the park playing with it!

We love you, and miss you so much,
Wish you could cache with us too!

Love you forever,
Mummy

.......

0  cards  1 card (thanks Christine!)
2 phone calls
1 email
1 set of flowers

year two is much lonelier than year one.

I can't expect people to remember, and honour him as I do each year.

I can't expect people to feel sorry for me on this day, forever.

In a way, I'm glad people don't feel sorry for me.

In a way, I wish they would.

I just wish this wasn't something that I even had to think about.

Why can't I live in ignorant bliss too?

_____________________________

Today marks two years since Noah's death. Actually it was exactly 2 years ago to the hour that he was sent to Sick Kids hospital- noone thought he would die. Then... 12 hours later, he was dead.
Unbelievable.

From this - blowing bubbles!(24 hours before he died)

To this (as we said goodbye)

Beautiful, Loved, Wanted - in both pictures.
Beautiful, Loved, Wanted- still

I love you forever Noah.
Mummy

two years ago your tiptoed into my life
crying as you came into the world

a beautiful little boy
'perfect in every way'
said the doctor

we got to know you
we knew we loved you
we got to hold you
we didn't know we'd lose you

two days later
my world collapsed

surgery, tubes, machines
a sight that will never leave my mind

you died surrounded by love
wrapped with love
mummy and daddy by your side
grandparents looking on

your legacy-one i never imagined
changed outlooks, changed parents
everything good, done in your name

two years ago you tiptoed into my life
crying as you entered, silent as you left.


Love you forever,
Mummy

Pictures from Your 2nd Easter/Birthday

Hi Again Baby Boy..
Look-- here is your spot at the cemetary! With brithday balloons, flowers, a little chick for easter, and a donkey (I named him Gus) from Grandma!

a close up of Gus, the donkey :) isn't he cute? Thanks Grandma!

Your sister is saying Happy Easter Big Brother- I love you!

Up pops Mummy! 

Happy Easter and Happy Birthday Again!

Mummy loves you

Love you Forever, 

Muimmy

Happy 2nd Birthday Noah

Hello Birthday Boy,

I hope my kisses, cuddles and hugs have made it to you by now.
I can only imagine how today would have been different with you here. I'm sure you'd be like a bouncing Tigger... jumping around saying 'happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!'... You'd get your favourite food all day.... and birthday pressies- maybe a new tricycle, or a power wheels, or a truck, or doll that you saw on TV that you just couldn't live without!

Oh how I long for you today my boy. Everyday, but especially on these very special milestones.

You are my baby boy, and always will be. You have changed me more than you, or I will ever know. You have impacted my life. You have made me a better Mummy, a better person.

I wish I could mother you here on earth. I wish I knew that you knew just how much I love you my baby boy.
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I love you forever
I like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

Happy Birthday - 2 is a good number!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Here you are, Exactly 2 years ago. RIGHT after being born. Look, you're trying to suck your thumb! I think you would have gotten the hang of it quicker than your sister!! 

Here is you and Daddy! It's the only picture we have on your birthday with JUST you and daddy! Look how tiny you are! Your Daddy was, and is still so, so proud of you!

Here is our first cuddle!! You are just so beautiful, I couldn't stop looking at you. I wanted to kiss ever inch of that teeny, tiny body. Mummy  misses those cuddles. 

Noah's 2nd Birthday... wanna help?

I have decided to do something for someone else for Noah's birthday. If he were here- it would be all about him, trucks, tanks, monkeys and trampolines I"m sure.
But he isn't here. We won't have 10, 2 year olds running around the house, playing games and eating pizza. There won't be a party.

Instead- I've decided that each year, I am going to try to donate something, to someone.

In the 'blog world', I've met a number of women who have lost their babies/children.
Kristin (onceamother.blogspot.com) , lost her baby Peyton Elizabeth to a rare form of Cancer at just 28 days of age. Peyton was born on my 27th birthday.. just five months after Noah was born and died.
In memory or Peyton, Kristin has started something called 'Doing Good in Her Name'.
to read more go here:  http://www.doinggoodinhername.com

I am going to put together a box of stuff- for the foundation, so that she can donate it to the hospital wards that need it. Things that other parents will have to make special memories with their children. This will be done in memory, and in honour of my Noah. So far I have clothing, toys, booties, books and cd's!

You can help me
1. If you are in the area, why don't you go to the website, check out what they need and drop something bye my house before next Friday (April 9th). I'll pay to ship it, along with my things. ( http://www.doinggoodinhername.com)
2. . You can send things in yourself
3. You can donate money to the organization
4. You can pray for all of those families we will be helping, and for Peyton's family.
5. If you would rather- you can donate money to the Noah Awards (this will be next years birthday donation- but we can always use more!) http://www.med.mun.ca/PHRU/Noah-Awards.aspx
6. Either way- check out the two websites- take a moment to pray/think about all of the families who are at this very moment, going through the battle of fighting for their children's lives, or saying goodbye to their child... and send a birthday wish to the stars for my Noah.
Thank you to Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow (http://jenn625.blogspot.com/) who sparked this idea for me, when posting her Mustard Seed giveaway idea.
Thanks for helping me make Noah's birthday an honourable one!

Jane, Matt and Charlotte. 

I should be....

Hello my beautiful boy,

I should be planning your 2nd birthday party festivities around now. Instead- I bought you a little balloon for your tree. woohoo.... (sense the sarcasm... do you get sarcasm at 2... probably not!).
I wish you were here, jumping around, entertaining your sister, telling me all about the stuff you want for your birthday, like a tricycle, trucks and a trampoline. Maybe you'd  be excited about having a dumptruck cake, or maybe you'd want an animal cake... would you  like chocolate or vanilla? Would be be going to Kingston for easter with it being so close to your birthday? Would you and Daddy celebrate your birthdays together in style?

Oh baby boy.. how I wish I knew the answers- and not only just knew the answers- but could experience the answers.

Next Tuesday you should have been two. A two year old little boy who is more loved than so many... a two year old boy who I will never get to see again.. A two year old boy, who makes this twenty-eight year old girl fall to her knees in desperation. How could this happen to you?

I"ll write you again closer to your birthday my baby bear.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Baptism

Hello Baby Boy,

Tomorrow, your sister is getting baptized. It will be a good day. However, it will be a day of mixed emotions for Mummy. You were Baptized, by the same person who will baptize Charlotte-- but, you were Baptized because you were going to die- you died in mere hours after you were Baptized. So, Baptism has become a sad thing for Mummy.
Tomorrow will be different than the night you were Baptized- tomorrow will be a more joyous occasion- one where people bring presents, sing, kiss your sister, and compliment her on her beautiful white dress. Not one where people kiss me, hold me, and look at me with eyes of sympathy and disbelief.
You will be a part of tomorrow. You will be there in Spirit- Jamie (the minister) will talk about you- YOU will be honoured in front of the church, as you are in our home daily. We will talk about you- and some people will get sad- but it will build Mummy up- how could your sister be Baptized without recognising and honouring her big brother? All the other siblings get to go up to the front with the Mummies and Daddies. We'll just get to talk about you.
Charlotte will be in her white dress, a family gown-- one that has been in my possession for a long time- waiting for you to be Baptized in- but we didn't have time to get it- and I didn't want to spend any moment of the few hours I had left with you in the car driving to get a silly gown!
However, you were in a blue gown, made by a volunteer at the hospital- and you were wrapped in a knitted green blanket. A blanket that I Cherish beyond belief. If you don't mind... Charlotte will be wrapped in the same blanket for her Baptism.. and any babies that might creep there way into our lives from now on- they will too.
I hope that's ok with you. It's one of the few things that they can share with you, that can be the same.. It's one of the only things we can do the same with ALL of our children. and I cherish that.

I love you Noah.
Tomorrow will be hard. Tomorrow will be about your sister- but only a few will know-how much- it is really- about you too.

I love you forever,
Mummy

The water trickled down your beautiful face
becoming more pale as the sun went down


wrapped in green, your beauty shone
Mummy and Daddy holding you, 


We told you it was ok
You could say goodbye


It was the only thing we could do for you
The only thing we had left


We could take away your pain, your fear, your sadness
By letting you go


We took on the pain, the fear, the sadness
Because it as the only thing we could do
the only thing we had left
all we had to give. 


~Jane
March 20 2010

I. love. you.

Heartbeat Bear

Hi Baby Noah,

I haven't written you a little note in a while- sorry about that!
Mummy and Daddy and Charlotte just got back from a trip to Newfoundland to visit Poppy and Grandma.
We had fun there.. but we missed you too.

While I was there I took some pictures of your heartbeat bear! I don't know if you remember... when for about 1 hr, you were annoyed by the ultrasound technition trying to get good pictures of you.. well during that time, they recorded your heartbeat onto a little thing- and we put it inside a teddy bear, and gave one to each of your grandmothers. We did the same for Charlotte's Heartbeat.
One of your Grandma's, I think it afraid to touch your bear- just incase she sets the heartbeat off too often, and the battery wears out- it must be nice to hear your heart once in a while for them! I wish I had a bear.... I thought I was going to have the read thing. Your other Grandma sleeps with hers almost every night- the heartbeat still works, but the bear is getting a little worn looking- which is nice to see- I'm sure you see them snuggling with your bear! she even dressed them up in onsies that belonged to you!

We put the bears, your and charlotte's into my doll pram from when I was a little girl!
Here are some pictures!

Love you forever, 

Mummy

Missing my boys

Hi Baby bear,

I miss you a lot right now.. your sister is having a nap, and Casey wants to go for a walk, but he's going to have to settle for the backyard right now.
Daddy is away right now- he is in Niagara Falls for meetings over the next few days. It's the first time I've been alone with your sister, it will be the first time I've been alone this long since before you were born.

I miss you
your soft hair
the nape of your neck
I miss you

I love you
your wrinkly feet
your long piano fingers
I love you

I need you
your big brown eyes
and little button nose
I need you

I miss you
my only son
my forever joy
I miss you


I miss both my boys right now- luckily, I know Matt is coming home, unluckily, my baby boy is not.

this is the only picture we have of daddy and you.... we thought we'd have a lot more time. This was taken about 1 hour after you were born, on the night of April 6th 2008.... oh, to have that day back... what Mummy would do. 

Love you forever,
Mummy

Hope Collage

Hi Noah,

Jenna's mommy Franchesca graciously does these name collages for babies who have died.
She asks mommies to list a few words that a special, and puts them together to make a beautiful 'Hope Collage'.
Here are yours!

Aren't they beautiful! It's just so hard to think of SOME words that remind me of you, or that I think of when I think of you... everything reminds me of you... the words could have been things like.... blue, table, bath, t-shirt, blanket...... literally, everything reminds me of you.. so I just picked what came to my mind, about the specialness of you (is specialness a word?... it should be!).  I love them! Thanks Franchesca!

I love you forever... and ever, and ever

Mummy

My Valentines Boy!

Hello My Valentine Boy,

It's Valentine's day today. This would be your second valentines day, and I just know you would be giving Mummy lots of hugs and kisses today if you were with me!
Consider yourself hugged and kissed wherever you are today. You are my Valentine boy! Always and forever!

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow made you your very own Valentine Virtual Chocolate! YUMMY!

Isn't that thoughtful?!

Happy Valentines day my beautiful, precious son. 

I love you forever, 

Mummy

Can you see the flame from where you are?

Hi Noah Bear,

Today is the beginning of the Olympic games... Mummy LOVES the olympics, for some reason I am obsessed. I was a figure skater for much of my life, and had childhood dreams of being an olympian... of course, that didn't happen- but the Olympics are still soo, soo exciting to Mummy.
It's a little sad this year though. There is an Olympic t-shirt, all the way from Vancouver, bought about 3 years a go when Gramma and Poppy were visiting Vancouver. It's ready for you to wear- but you are not here to wear it.  That makes Mummy a bit sad.
Sure, your sister can wear it- although it will be more like a dress on her, since it was bought for someone who was supposed to be almost 2.
Everything tends to be bittersweet now.. this 'new' life of mine is just so different that I thought it would have been, 2 years ago when I was robustly pregnant with you. Oh how I thought things would be perfect, that innocent, ignorance of pregnancy was surrounding me... a happy time, with darkness waiting in the wings.

As I watch the olympics this year- I will think of you
can you see the flame from heaven?
can you feel the excitement from where you are?
oH- how I wish you were here- and I was teaching you all about the different sports, and athletes.... Oh how I wish you were here, to cuddle on the couch and watch the games with daddy and I.  Oh how I wish, I wish, I wish....
You will always be my boy, our boy.... probably our only boy... definitely our first boy...

I love you forever,
Mummy

Us, minus you

Hi Baby boy,

We miss you... we miss you a lot. A lot doesn't really even cut it actually... it's more than that.
Now it's just us, your family, minus you.
here we are

I love you forever, 

Mummy

here we are