i miss you

Noah,
I've been missing you so much over these past few days. I've been feeling sorry for myself. It just isn't fair that you aren't here with me. Holiday or no holiday... I miss you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

for kids

Christmas... a time for kids.. for magic.. for joy.. for family.

It's just not the same without you, Noah.

We love you so, so, so much.

We miss you this Christmas, and always.

Love you forever,
Mummy

the little things

Dear Noah,

Sometimes it's hard to think about all the things that could have been.

It's been the little things latly- the things that really, in the big scheme of things, don't matter.

Things like... what you would get for Christmas this year? What would you be 'in' to- toy cars? a tv show? barney? trains? doggies?
What size would you wear? Would you be long and lean like your little sister and daddy? Would you be short like Mummy? What would be your favourite colour? Would you like to dress yourself and wear a tie randomly, and shorts on some winter days?
Would Grandma have made you another quilt, for your bed (because you'd be in a real bed now) ?
Would Mummy have gone back to work when you were a year old?
Would you be in daycare? Which daycare would you be in..

So many questions... left unanswered... only to dream about, think about... never to come true.

Oh how I wish I knew your smell, the colour of your hair, the feel of your hugs.

How I wish that Charlotte, Daddy and I had you here with us. It really would be a better place.

I love you, I miss you..

Love you forever,
Mummy

Pie Throwing Festival!!

I am indulging in Carlys Pie Throwing Festivities

This pie-lets say Blueberry pie- gets thrown right into the face of people who think I am less than I am, and dont take the time to notice the difference. If we all just saw the good in things, the good in people. Used compassion instead of insult and anger, patience instead of hostility....  Ah.. off my chest.... thanks Carly!

Anyway, our family is on the move- a huge move, accross the country. Weève moved out of our first home together, our belonging are on a big truck being driven accross the country, we are visiting family along the way. And despite how crazy this sounds- it feels good. Matt and I were talking as we left our house- said good by to the rooms, the spots etc.... how we cant say goodbye to the memories- they come along with us in this ride of life. We realized how happy we were as we left- how at peace we both are with this deicision (and this says a lot of my anxious and worrysome way!)... this is good... it feels good... we are at peace!

 

Noah--

We love you! Going to see Kimmy tomorrow! and visting the cemetary too!

Love you forever,

Mummy

 

Insert 2 1/2 year old boy....

Hi Baby boy..

We got 'family' pictures done the other month. Family pictures- although wonderful- have always been a sore spot for me. It was one of the first things I thought of when I realized that I would never be really, truly, PERFECTLY happy again. That a family picture- will never truly be a family picture. How can it be without you here??   I am very happy right now- life is grand. But it isn't perfect- perfection doesn't come for a family after a child dies. Might seem harsh for me to say to those who haven't lost a child- but in my eyes. It's the raw truth. Our reality. You were perfect- you are perfect- but you aren't here- you died-- so how can life be perfect for me- it can't. end. of.

Anyway... Emily, the photographer knows all about you- because her little boy Kai, and Charlotte are friends! She got some great pictures with Milton, your froggy in them- not nearly as wonderful as it would have been to have you in them... but as perfect as this non-perfect family picture can get!.
How I wish I could just insert a 2 1/2 year old boy, on his daddy's back, hugging his sister, or looking at his Mummy... not any 2 1/2 year old boy though- nope- just you!

Here are some of our pictures- the ones with your froggie... Hope you love them! isn't your sister getting big?

Add caption

Love you forever, 

Mummy

Back at SickKids

I love you baby bear.... forever.

Mummy, Daddy and Charlotte went to SickKids today to visit with Lori. Lori is the Palliative Care/Bereavement Coordinator at the NICU at SickKids, and because your time there was so short, she was the nurse whom we had the most contact.
It was nice to see her, we went down to the cafeteria and talked for about 2 hours! She hadn't met Charlotte- so it was nice for her to see her.

It wasn't as hard to be there as it was the first time I went back. I think having Charlotte makes it a little easier- because I'm not quite as jealous of all the babies being wheeled around and thriving.. although little boys still pull at my heart strings, I think they always will.
I thought I'd post some more pictures here! I didn't share many pictures at the beginning of my blogging days, because I really didn't know how to upload them- then, once I figured it all out- I didn't really do it much on your blog, mostly on your sisters. Anyway- here are a few photo's of you.. it's amazing how different you look from when you were born, to when you were sick, 2 days later. But- still my little boy, always my little boy...

HERE YOU  are being held up by the nurse when we were in the recovery room! you had a good set of lungs!

Here you are in your little Noah's Ark sleeper! so cute! and so tiny! That's Grammie's hand on your chest! and.. you are wearing the mystery bib. I have kept everything, and have held on so, so , so tight to everything you touched. But.. I can't find that bib. It's been driving  me CRAZY for 2.5 years. CRAZY. I figured maybe i'd find it when I packed up the house for the move.. but not yet.  It's sad to me- you touched it- it was yours... now it's gone. 

I love this picture- I call it your burrito picture- because, well, you look like a burrito! All wrapped up in your blanket!

Here you are with your cute little lips! and Holding on to Grandma's hand!

and here you are... at Sickkids, as we said goodbye. After a surgery that couldn't save you. the beginning a lifetime of tears for a Mummy. 

Love you Love you Love you

Love you Forever, 

Mummy

Bittersweet day

Dear Noah,

I had one of those bitter-sweet days today.

I am in the process of starting to organize things to pack for our move. Today, during Charlotte's nap (because that's the only time I can really pack, or do anything for the move... ahhh,... 4 weeks away!!) anyway... today, I organized and packed up your stuff. Daddy made a pine chest, sort of like a big toy box for al your things. I got to look at it all again. It's something I don't do very often. We have reminders of you, and pictures of you all over the house, but I rarely look at the other things. They're neatly packed away.
It was nice to look at them. to touch your hospital bracelets, smell your blanket, and the outfits you wore, look at more of your pictures, read letters and cards people wrote, look at pictures and cards that my school kids made for me- before you were born, and then, after you died.

It's so nice to see and touch these things- but it's so hard too. It's part of my life- it is my life- my son died, my first born baby didn't get to grow up, we loved him, we held him, we kissed him and sang to him, and then- he was gone- it was gone- the future was gone. Life changed. These things are a reminder of that too- the anger, sadness, bitterness, loneliness, the lost future that we had planned.

It's hard to look at all your things sometimes, but it will never be all bad- it can't be when it has to do with you- my perfect little baby boy.

On another note- a neighbours mother died today. Mrs. Calvert. She was one of the few people that really knew you- touched you, held you, kissed you. I hope she is whereever you are- maybe she'll hold you again- maybe that will remind you of our time together.

I love you my baby boy. I miss you so much. I wish you were coming with us on our big move to Newfoundland.  You would love it there- it's the perfect place for a little boy.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Breakfast

Hi Baby Boy,

I miss you so much this morning. Your sister woke up, and went back for a nap pretty much right away. I wish you were here to have breakfast with me! Maybe we'd make eggs, or waffles, or pancakes! Maybe we'd sit at the table, or sit on the couch and watch cartoons! Maybe we'd be silly and sing songs after breakfast while holding spoons like mircophones- but not too loud, so we wouldn't wake your sister.

Instead, I am going to have toast, and watch the news. BORING!

At least I get to write to you.

I love you more and more and more.
I wish you were here... for me, for daddy and for your sister.
We all miss you, and love you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Giveaway- WE HAVE A WINNER!!

Thank you to all of those who entered my 1st Giveaway!
It's been a crazy couple weeks, and so I have just gotten around to the draw now! Sorry to keep you on your toes!

I used the random number generator on random.org... but because I am not all that computer savvy, I can't figure out how to save it as a picture to post here.. so you will have to beleive me when I say, that the random number that it came up with, between 1 and 12, was 3.

congrats, Tiffany, You've won!

If you could email me at janesk8 (at) hotmail (dot) com, with your contact information, and the florish or rosette you would like from Fran's Etsy shop  . Then I can get it to you ASAP!

Congratulations!
Hope to have another giveaway soon!

Thanks for following, reading, supporting, and loving!

Jane

50 Followers **Giveaway!**

50 Followers- WoW!

I've decided to hold my first giveaway for this milestone! I've been trying to decide what to giveaway- and I've decided to help out a fellow BLM!
Franchesca from Small Bird Studio does a number of art type things -blog makeovers, canvas work  etc. I've decided that for my first giveaway I will be offering a flourish or rosette of the winners choice from Fran's Etsy Shop.

Like- the Jenna Belle Rosette with alligator clip or broach pin

Or, Maybe you'd choose the Amy Rosette?

Or, Perhaps, the Nancy Flourish?

Go to the Etsy Shop to choose the one you'd like!! 

But- How do you win?

There are a few ways:

1. Become a follower of this blog

2. Become a follower of my other blog (Cherishing Charlotte)

3. Make a blog post about this giveaway, so others can find it too!

4 Grab my button (from my sidebar) and put it on your site

5. Look at the Small Bird Studio Etsy Shop and let me know which Flourish or Rosette you'd love to have it you win! 

**Please post a separate comment for each entry**

I will be taking entries until October 6th, which happens to be Noah's 2 1/2 year birthday (30 months).  Stay Tuned for the lucky winner!

Good Luck! 

Jane

Perfect

Hi Noah Bear, 

Sometimes I think about how it's nice that I will never be upset at you, or angry at you.. I won't ever be disappointed in a choice you've made, thought your decisions weren't thought about well enough. I won't even have to tell you 'No', give you a time out, send you to your room. 

Really- I'd trade all that obviously to have you here- you could be a holy terror and I'd still rather have you here. 

But.. since you aren't, and that can't change, no  matter how hard I try.. at least you were, are and will be perfect.

Poor Charlotte- has a perfect Brother! don't worry-  I don't expect perfection from a little girl finding her place in the baby/toddler world! 

That was just on my mind this morning.

I love you baby boy

Love you forever, 

Mummy

Why?

I should be hearing 'Why?', from a little toddler about 100 times a day

Instead, I hear 'Why?', from myself about 100 times a day.

What a realization.

Why him? Why us? Why that? Why me? Why? Why? Why?

You've Taught Me

Hi Noah, 

I was thinking while I was driving today that you've taught me a lot- mostly indirectly- but many of these things, because of you, I have learned- or I have at least realized throughout the past 29 months.

You've taught me:

-how precious and fragile life can be.

-to be easier on myself 

-that what other people think doesn't really matter

-that some friends really weren't friends

-that no matter how hard I try, I'm not in control my life, or anyone elses. 

-that your Daddy is the best Daddy to you and your sister

-that love is a precious thing, that should be cherished.

-that stuff isn't as important as people, feelings and time

-that the little interruptions and disappointments in life don't matter much

-that everyone has a tragedy in their life, if we'd only stop to listen, or ask

-that generally, people aren't good listeners

-that being a Mummy to a baby who isn't here is really tough.. but, 

-that being a Mummy is the most wonderful thing in the world- baby here or not.

-that the sun rises and sets each day, no matter what we do

-to make the best out of my life

-that places aren't where you are- instead you are everywhere and everything

-that children are worth living for

-that memories are worth a lot 

-family matters and I depend on them probably more than I should

There's so much more, You've taught me a little about everything. Everything I do is shaped because of you- your life, your death.

I love you baby boy. Love Love Love

Love you forever, 

Mummy 

Moving

Dear Noah Bear, 

I love you.. so, so, so, so much. 

We visited you on the weekend! Your stone looks nice, all shiny- and your flowers are still growing nicely. Grammie put a cute froggie solar light there too!  Daddy and I miss you so much!  


In the future, we won't be able to visit you as much at the cemetary.But you know that that's ok- because you know that the cemtary isn't the only place where you are. NOPE-  you are everywhere- you are in the laughs of your sister, you are in the leaves of the trees falling towards the ground, you are in the rising  sun and the shining moon. But most of all- you are in my heart. You will always be in Mummy's heart- no matter what happens, no matter who happens. Always. 


Mummy, and Daddy and Charlotte are moving to Newfoundland. It's a big move, and maybe even a risky one. It's a move that Daddy and I have been talking about for 9 years. it's been a long time coming. Once Mummy's family moved to Ontario in 1993 I just assumed I would never live in Newfoundland again- then, once I feel in love with a mainlander (that's your daddy) I really knew I'd never live in Newfoundland again. It was sad- but your daddy is worth it! 
Then.. Daddy and I took a road trip a long, long time ago- a road trip to Newfoundland so that Daddy could meet my extended family and see this land that I had been marveling about. it was winter- the weather was bad, the roads were bad, and we didn't even see any moose- even though Daddy was constantly on the look out. But.... Daddy fell in love. Daily while we were there, and at least weekly after he talked about Newfoundland- the people, the food, the land, the pace of life, the history and culture.  Mummy began to realize that it wasn't just me who had a longing in the back of my brain... it was Daddy too. 


Charlotte is little, Mummy isn't working, and Daddy doesn't love his job- Brampton is becoming more and more violent (or maybe we are just noticing it more because of you and Charlotte). We've been talking about taking this risk for years- we've never done it because there has always been something holding us back. But we're doing it. We're going to move to Newfoundland. Pack up and go. it will be hard- it many ways- but it will be worth it, and we'll be together, so that's all that matters!


It's very sad for your Grammie and Grampie. I am not sure that they understand our reasoning for going, nor if they support us in going- all I know is that they are sad. Of course they are- they won't get to see Charlotte quite as much- which is a sad thing- I know that would make me sad too. I think (and hope) that in time they will realize that this is the right decision of our little family, but for now- sadness is what it is.  


I love you my little mini monkey. I miss your top lip, your long fingers and your hairy ears! 
I so wish that you were here with us-- that we were making this move with 2 living children- 2 children that everyone could see and everyone would acknowledge- but instead- you'll just have to travel in my heart.  How about that little guy?!


Love you forever, 
Mummy

I wish I knew...

Hi Baby Bear,

I love you.
Do you know that?
I know I tell you often, But...
Do you feel it?
Can you feel it?
I wish I knew.



Your little sister is asleep right now, her tiny self on a big huge king sized bed, in a hotel room. Our floors are being redone after a flood in our house, and so, we had to move out because we wouldn't have access to a bathroom at our place- and that could be disastrous!

We're going to Kingston this weekend for Mummy's birthday. We go to Kingston most Labour Day weekends. Should be fun! Hopefully Grammie's pool is nice and warm- the weather has been hot lately- although I think it's supposed to rain this weekend- so we might be stuck inside most of the time!

I love you baby boy.
I love you forever,
Mummy