Saltwater Joys

Hi Baby Boy,

I"m in Trouty- it's a beautiful sunny day- a little wind, a little cool- but a beautiful Newfoundland day. Your sister is napping, your Grandma and Poppy are out helping the neighbours get organized for a community party tonight. All I can think of is you.

I look out the window and see the trees, the hills and mountains, the river leading into the Ocean. Three kitty-cats next door just waiting to be chased by a 2 year old boy. A little orchard, flower garden, vegetable garden- just waiting to be pounced on. A Poppy- loving his granddaughter more than anything in this world- but longing to hear the 'why's' of a 2 year old, yearning to take that 2 year old out fishing, down to the wharf, to touch the salt sea. A Grandma singing to her granddaughter and so proud- but behind it- missing the toddler, walking along side her down the lane, longing to have a tag-along to help pick blueberries- having to give your face a big wash when you come back because it's full of blue- and the basket is empty.

It is beautiful here, Noah. I feel closer to you, closer to God.  I even feel closer to myself.
It's calm- It's beautiful- It's right- It's home.
It's where I wish so much I could have raised you, and could raise your siblings.
It's where I wish everyone could see at least once in their lifetime- so they could have a glimpse into a world only miles away- but so different than their fast-paced-dirty-busy-smoggy place where most live.

I miss you my boy. I grieve for the time we would have had together- just doing nothing, just being ourselves.

for now, I will have to hang onto your little sister a little tighter... hold her a little closer, look deeply into her blueberry eyes- so I can see you- you will always be a part of her- the big brother, she'll never know.

I love you forever
Mummy



Saltwater Joys- one of my favourite, nostaligic songs. The lyrics are just amazing to me- and oh, so true

Normal

I 'lifted' this from Dana
It really does ring true!

What is "Normal"?

Author Unknown

• 
  
  Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

• Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 1st and Easter.

• Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
• Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

• Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

• Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

• Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

• Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

• Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

• Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

• Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby would have loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
• Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

• Normal is making sure that others remember him. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

• Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

• Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

• Normal is trying not to cry all day

• Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

• Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

• Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

• Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

• Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

• Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

• Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

• Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

• Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have any children when asked, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you don't have any children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
• Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

• Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

• Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
• Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

• And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal". 
  
  
  
  
  Noah, 
  Daddy, Charlotte and I are going to go on vacation on Tuesday. We will miss you while we are there. We are going to see your cousin, Norah, Uncle Peter's little baby girl.  It might be a little sad for Mummy at times- Because Norah looks a little like you- and her name is so similar- and she was sick when she was born- but Mummy is also very excited about seeing and cuddling and kissing her. 
  
  
  We love you baby boy. Lots of extra hugs from Mummy.
  Love you forever, 
  Mummy
  
  
  
  

Noah, Hello Goodbye. I'll see you on the other side

** You will need to scroll down and pause the blog music so you can listen to the song.. or it might get confusing!

** There is no video- only audio.
This was written by the artist, Michael W. Smith, for friends of his, who lost their son, Noah, as an infant. He could have written it for me.

Here are the lyrics if you want to follow along

Hello, Goodbye- Michael W. Smith

Where's the Navigator of your destiny?
Where is the Dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and its brevity
'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Chorus:

Noah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while



******


I think I've shared these lyrics before. But I haven't been able to find an audio version until now- other than the one i bought on itunes. 


Jane

hi

Hi Baby Boy,
I love you.
I miss you so much
This summer I miss all the things that you and your little sister could be doing together
Swimming, going for walks/stroller rides, helping with the gardening, having afternoon naps, going over to friends houses.... it's not the same without you

I love you forever my beautiful baby boy,
Mummy

10th Annual Lucas Holtom Carnival

One of the ministers at the church we attend, North Bramalea United Church, has been a huge support for Matt and I.  Not only because he's a minister, and he's supposed to be of support to people- but because he understands- first hand.
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the Pine Lake Tornado, in Alberta, Canada, where Lucas Holtom, their 2 year old son, died. - so did 11 other people.
Here is a video of Jamie and Katrina being interviewed for the 10th anniversary
Once you are at the link, look to the right and click on 'CTV News Channel: Jamie and Katrina Holtom'

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20100714/pine-lake-tornado-anniversary-100714/ 

Here is beautiful Lucas

and his parents, at one of the 10 Lucas Holtom Carnivals!

Every year, there is a big, FREE carnival in Brampton, next to the church, called the Lucas Holtom Carnival. It's great tos ee the joy on kids and parents faces because of this free fun! It gets bigger every year!
Here is a picture of me this year, Matt and I volunteered!


Everyone has a tragedy in their live... but the death of a child... that's a big one.
Don't we know it.

Do you remember?

Dear Noah,

Do you remember coming into this world?
Do you remember your loud cry?
your long fingers?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our very first cuddle?
Do you remember how special it was?
Do you remember how we both instantly felt?
I knew I loved you- I knew life would never be the same
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember getting your diaper changed for the first time?
Your Grandmothers changed you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our cuddles?
Do you remember how you felt on my chest?
Do you remember the love?
I do

Do you remember Mummy looking into your eyes?
I just couldn't stop
There was something so magical and loving about them
Do you remember looking back at Mummy?
Telling her all you needed to- with one glance?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember that one special cuddle?
You know the one- don't you?
On April 7th 2008- at about 9pm
When we thought you had years to live
That cuddle was so special
It's etched in Mummy's heart forever
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember them taking you away?
Into a land of beeping machines and plastic tubes
Do you remember Mummy crying and holding your hand?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember the new hospital?
Full of children
Do you remember the nurses, the surgeon?
They tried to help you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember being wrapped in your green blanket?
Being held ever so gently by your family
Do you remember us singing to you?
The sound of your Mummy's voice, and your Daddy's tears?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when you opened your eyes for the last time?
You looked at me
You looked at Daddy
You used everything you had to squeeze our hands
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when we let you go?
We had to.
You told us it was time
Do you remember taking a piece of me with you?
Do you remember feeling all our love?
Do you remember?
I do

Can you  still see me?
Loving you?
Taking care of you the only way we know how
Cherishing your Memory

Can you still see me?
Standing by your grave
Crying, hugging
Looking at all those babies who are with you
feeling sad for their parents too

Can you still see me?
Talking about you to your sister?
Putting your names in our songs?
Trying all we can to include you in everything

Can you still see me?
Crying at night?
trying to smile?
loving you?

Can you still see me?
I see you
Are you still with me?
You're with me
Am I still your mother?
You're my son
Do you still need me?
I need you.
Do you remember?
I do


I love you Noah.
Living without you doesn't get easier. It gets more normal- because I can't have it any other way.. but it doesn't get easier.
It's hot out today.... I'm sure we'd be swimming in the pool, and Charlotte would be napping in her stroller...instead, I'm writing this to you, and Charlotte is in her crib, napping.
I wish a lot of things were different
I wish I knew that I was a good mum
I wish I knew that I am a good mum
Today is a hard day for mummy.. nothing is going right, and it all remind me of how so much went right with you- and then.. one thing goes wrong- and my world as I know it is over.

I love you little guy.. you're the bestest boy in the world
Love you forever,
Mummy

Hi Baby... I love you.... forever
Mummy

bitter

Hi Noah,

Another week without you, boy oh boy. It's hard to think about sometimes.Not you- you're easy to thing about- but it's hard to think about the time I've spent without you. It's been 2 years, 2 months, 18days. I hate that the count will never end. It's not a count down... it's a count up to infinity- or at least, until I die too.

In so many ways I think I am a better Mummy because you were here. I think I am more sensitive to things that matter, and I take ever day and try to cherish it- because I never know when it will be taken away from me... again.
But, a conversation I had today with Daddy, made me think.. that in some ways.. I am not better. Well, that sounds like a given, I know! of course I"m not better, my son died before I even got to teach him to tie his shoes, ride his bike, wipe his bum, or clap his hands.
I think I am bitter. I am bitter that I will never be 'wonderful' again. sure I'm good, i'm fine, and I can even say I'm happy. But I will never be, Happier than ever, things will never be perfect. how can they be? If I say things are perfect my mind will go directly to you- how can things be perfect when you are not with us. How can things be perfect when we have a grave, and a tree to visit instead of pre-school concerts and soccer games? Life isn't perfect, hey, I know, know one's is. but really. I can say for sure, that I will never think my life is perfect.
I've accepted this truth for my life- but I still think it sucks.

Noah, we miss you so much. It's felt like a lifetime without you- and there is so much more life to  live for us.
I just wish I never had to write this stupid blog.
I think I'm a little bitter today.
I just want my baby back.

I love you baby boy. You are the bestest little boy in the whole entire world.
Love you forever,
Mummy

I found the key to happiness :)

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/recipe/chocolate-cake-in-5-minutes

Thanks Mum! :) it does the trick after 2 very long nights and days with a little teething girly!

Much needed chocolate cake!

Note the froggy mug :)

Jane
PS. Obviously I am aware that this is not the key to happiness! It just helps :)

Censorshi(t)p

Over the past year or so, I've realized that more and more people from my 'real' life have been reading my blog. I"m not always certain how they find it- maybe from a friend, maybe through a google search, maybe they heard I have one, and tried and tried until they found it, maybe it was because when I first started my blog, I let a few people know- and they are still around, checkin' in on me..
Whatever the way, or reason. I"m not certain I like it.
For the most part, actually. It's fine. People read it, and usually keep to themselves, but then once in a while I get a comment, message on facebook, or an email (of course, never a phone call- too awkward!ha).. letting me knwo that they've read my blog, and are thinking of me. Or they let me know how in some ways they understand what I am going through, or don't understand- but can try to empathize. I don't mind this. I really don't.
But what about the comments, messages and emails- that correct me. Correct me?? This is a place where I want to feel safe to write whatever comes out of my thick skull, and out of my heart. I used to not even read over what I wrote- because I knew that it was what I needed to write on that day- and so spelling mistakes and all- there they were- published.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE comments- and they have been dwindling lately, which makes me a little sad. But, I don't really like when people 'try' to make me feel better by saying something I said was wrong- or by telling me how they think it's different... Really?? Well- at this moment- this is my truth. The next moment, month or year- I may think, or express something different- for now- this is it- either support me, tell me your story, something- but don't tell me my thoughts are wrong.

I feel like I must censor myself now. Not just because of the reason I just gave- but for a variety of others as well. For instance- this post- I really have been wanting to write for about 2 or 3 weeks- but I couldn't do it.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings
I don't want to make anyone's grief worse
I don't want to feel like my writing makes others sad
I don't want people to think I am crazy
I don't want people to think I am in over my head.
remember- this blog- my writing- this is my out. this is WHY I am not crazy, and not in over my head. Because I can write about being sad, scared, anxious, angry, happy, mad- about my grief- because of that I can help myself heal.
Because of this blog, and a few other things, I can try to live a normal life, I can be a good mother to both Noah and Charlotte.

How do I do this?
without making a new blog that noone in the world knows about?
... and I don't want to do that! my baby-loss Momma friends- I wouldn't want to lose them- their support.
Plus, as I said before, I love comments-
It's a catch 22 really.

I guess I'm being immature, and don't want to be told I am wrong.
I also am being a little mature, by not wanting to hurt anyone.

I don't even know if this post makes sense. I just know that I've felt like I have to keep my words inside lately-and that is not good for my head.
urgh
any suggestions?

PS. If you think I'm talking about you- I"m most likely not! it's a collection of things really. so try not to worry too much... or you'll have me censoring even more! Ha!


Hi Noah Bear, 


Today Mummy is going to her school to watch the graduation ceremony for the kids that I taught last year. It will be nice to see them graduate! 
I'm leaving Charlotte with a babysitter (ok not really- a good friend, with a baby- who's house we go to every week!) for the first time. I shouldn't worry- but I do! 
What if she needs me?
What if she wants me?
What if she hurts herself? or gets sick?
Mummy is a worry wart- I know! I am going to try to by calm, breathe and enjoy myself! 
I've been thinking about how I probably need to have a babysitter more often, so I can be an even better Mummy. Sometimes I think it would be good for Mummy and Daddy to go on a date, or even just go for a drive- and not worry about Charlotte... even for just 30 minutes! Then again, I'd probably worry more!


I love you Noah. I wouldn't worry as much about Charlotte if you were here  too. You would be able to bring to babysitter what you think she needed- I'm sure by now you would have had her all figured out! Diaper change, food, water, milk, cuddles, playtime, story. You'd know what she'd want- because you would want it to! 
I love you forever,
Mummy

PS. I"m trying my best not to re-read this- like the good old days- so excuse all the grammar, spelling, typos!

Butterfly Release number 3

Hi Noah Bear,

After writing that subject line, I realized how much is sucks that the number will just keep going and going and never stop....... a butterfly release-- nothing compared to having YOU back with me!

Anyway... Yesterday was the Annual PBSO Butterfly Release and Family Picnic. It was year three for us.
This year was a little different- because we had your sister with us.  It was ncie to share it with her. This will be something we will try to attend each year- as a family- in  memeory  of you! it's a nice day- with stuff for kids to do, a butterfly release- and lots of people with one thing in common.. lots of people who get what it's like to be me, and to be your daddy.. who get what it's like to be a mother, yet sometimes, for years- not have it acknowledged.

We took some pictures this year! here are a few!

here's Mummy with your little sister!

Here's daddy with your little sister

Here's your butterfly....did you catch it?

Your daddy and Charlotte... saying goodbye to your butterfly

Your sister's shirt says 'My Big Brother is an Angel  in Heaven'... and look, a butterfly landed on it!!

Ohh.. she finally noticed it! watch out butterfly- don't worry Noah, we didn't let her hurt it!

Isn't it pretty!!

Daddy and Charlotte sitting pretty!

Here is Charlotte with Matthew and Reece. They were releasing butterflies for their sister, Breanna, and brother, Cole.

We love you Noah. 

You are the bestest boy in the whole entire world and heavens!

Love you forever, 

Mummy

me

It's not about me.

I don't want it to be about me.

I just want a tiny bit of me back.

Life hasn't been about me since I became pregnant with Noah- exactly this time, 3 years go.
For that 41.5 weeks- life was about that little precious life inside of me. The dreams we had as a family. It was about keeping that little one healthy, safe. Little did we know, he wouldn't be safe at all.

Then, from Noah's birth on. Life was about him. For 2 days (2 days... ONLY 2 days), it was about, still, keeping him safe, loving him, getting to know him, feeding him, protecting him. Then, after he died, 2 days later, it was about still- loving him- but also keeping his memory alive, trying to make sure he would never be forgotten. Trying to do everything right- since there was so little we could do for him.  This will never end. Life will always be about Noah's memory.
Then, a few months later- life became about trying to conceive again. Wow- was that tough. Then, finally-life became about protecting the life of the new little one inside of me.
Now, life is about cherishing, and honouring Noah's memory. And protecting and nurturing the life of Charlotte. 
Great things to be living life for... well, one, not so great- but it's my reality.

What about me.
I feel like I've lost myself.
I know I'm not a altogether selfless person. But I have forgotten about myself.
In more ways than one.
Where did the person go who cared about how she looked?
Why have I had a tester of nailpolish on one of my fingers for 1 months now?
WHy is the nail polish on my toes  (that my sweet husband put on me one night when he wanted me to feel better) still on my toes- but looking rediculously terrible- half on and half off.\
Why have I not gotten a hair cut in 6 months?
Why am I at the highest weight I have ever been (except for in late stages of pregnancy)
Why do I hate looking in the mirror?
WHy do I not care about blemishes on my face?
Why do I censor myself, in life, in blogging?
Why do I let more and more friends down-  with ignoring messages, and attempts to get out of things?
Why do I knowingly, sometimes, blow up at Matty, for something completly not worth it?

There are so many more Why's. And to many people, these things may seem very trivial. But to me, they are not. Some are- yes- by themselves. Do I really care about nailpolish or a hair cut- NO.. but do I like the person I've become- who doesn't take care of herself, or even care at all like she used to. No.

Is it grief? unresolved? ungoing? Probably
Is it 'new'parenthood? Busy? Hectic? Probably
Whatever it is- it's hurting my inner self. It's causing a very nasty head space. Surly I can be a good parent to both my children, and still be good to myself. Surely I can fix this?
Right now- I just don't know how.

When I'm busy with life- I feel fine. or at least, I tell myself I'm fine.
But when I'm alone, after everyone is in bed, or when Charlotte is napping, or when I am lying awake waiting for sleep to catch me. I think of all of this. and yet- I do nothing about it.

All I want is the impossible.
All I want is a tiny bit of me back- you know that girl who had everything going for her. That girl who was always happy, didn't have frown lines.
I wouldn't trade either of my children for anything. but to feel like I used to feel. To have one day, where I could say- the whole day- I felt good- like my old self again. That would be good.
I know I can't be that person again. Noah, and Charlotte have changed me.. for the better in many, many, many ways. but  I want myself back.
Surely I can have both... my children and myself?

I want to want to improve myself.

I just want a tiny bit of my back

I don't want it to be all about me.

It's not about me.




Noah,
I love you!
I think sometimes now, mummy will write more regular blog posts- and letters to you too. It just doesn't feel right to write to  a baby boy about adult issues!
I love you, so, so, so, so much
I miss you
Our trip to Halifax just isn't the same without you.
Love you forever,
Mummy

New Look!

Howdy Baby Bear!
Do you like the new look for your blog! I love it!
I won a 15$ credit, from Small Bird Studio for Jenna's Birthday Giveaway, and so i used it towards a new blog makeover for YOU! Isn't it sweet! Frogs and Bubbles and YOU!
Thanks Franchesca for all your wonderful creativity!

We  all miss you today! We have been planting and going for walks and all sorts. Wish you were here!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Hey- readers, won't you grab my button!

the little things

Hi Baby Bear,

Thanks for helping Norah get through her surgery without any complications!
I know she still has a long road ahead of her, but now that the surgery is over, Mummy can breathe again!
Your cousin being sicky has made me miss you even more these past few days. I miss the little things that might have been... like.. morning cuddles, making you food, giving you baths, seeing your smile and hearing your laugh, washing little boy clothes, taking you to the park.... everything.. big and small.

I love you Noah
Love you forever,
Mummy

Prayers for Norah

Norah's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow

6am, eastern time

I am so scared

my baby had surgery

without a good outcome

I'm praying for a big difference with Norah.

Please pray with me, for this beautiful, loved, special little girl

My only niece

My brother's only child

Charlotte and Noah's cousin.

Pray Pray Pray