the little things

Hi Baby Bear,

Thanks for helping Norah get through her surgery without any complications!
I know she still has a long road ahead of her, but now that the surgery is over, Mummy can breathe again!
Your cousin being sicky has made me miss you even more these past few days. I miss the little things that might have been... like.. morning cuddles, making you food, giving you baths, seeing your smile and hearing your laugh, washing little boy clothes, taking you to the park.... everything.. big and small.

I love you Noah
Love you forever,
Mummy

Prayers for Norah

Norah's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow

6am, eastern time

I am so scared

my baby had surgery

without a good outcome

I'm praying for a big difference with Norah.

Please pray with me, for this beautiful, loved, special little girl

My only niece

My brother's only child

Charlotte and Noah's cousin.

Pray Pray Pray

I Love You
You're the bestest boy in the world... and in the heavens.
Love you forever,
Mummy

fear, fate, faith and Norah

I have been on pins and needles for the last few days.

I feel like my world is crashing down... again.

I don't know what to do.

There is nothing I can do.

Norah, my new niece.

the beautiful, gorgeous blessing to our family

my big brother's baby girl

 has been diagnosed with a Congenital Heart Defect.

She is in the hospital in England.

she is being monitored.

she is stable.

she will need surgery

the questions is when.

My big brother- has a baby with a congenital defect.

I did too.

My baby died.

will his?

Norah is strong

feeding, pooping, sleeping well.

there is a high rate of recovery for this particular heart defect

She will be ok... right?

I know- most who read this, dare not answer that questions

because our stories ended differently.

I fear for her

I fear for my brother and his wife.

Why them?

Why my family?

I can imagine what they are thinking.

It would be different if their nephew hadn't died

they might be less worried.

but infant death isn't 'impossible' in their world.

because of me and Noah.

Please pray with me.

Pray for Norah

The doctors

both families

Pray for me

that I will be able to see things logically

that I will not automatically assume she will die

that I will realize that sometimes good things do happen.

good things do still happen.. right?

some 1st born children are born healthy... right?

have faith, Jane.

your family is not cursed.

here is the little darling :) 

she's far away in england.

we go on August 3rd... counting the days

** If you are a 'facebook' friend of mine, please don't post anything about Norah and being ill on my facebook wall, as requested by her parents. Thanks **

1st, first cousin

Hi Noah!
You have a new cousin! Uncle Peter and Auntie Kate finally had their baby! They had a baby girl!! They named her Norah Elizabeth. Isn't it beautiful! It's almost like your name, but with an R :)

And.. I think you look like her! I've only seen a couple pictures, because she is so far away, in England. But look at this: 

Here is you, at one day old 

and,... Here is Norah at 1 day old

I think you both look a little like uncle peter!! 

I love you Baby Boy! You're the bestest boy in the world!
Love you forever, 

Mummy

Mother's Day

Hi Baby Boy,
Today is Mother's Day. I wish you were here to give me a big mother's day kiss and hug. And to sign the card with your sister... and to help daddy and Charlotte pick out my little gift. This year I got a necklace, it's pretty and has a blue and brown butterfly on it- it reminds me of you!

You little cousin has still not been born. We are waiting and waiting.
Uncle Peter must be getting very anxious now. I know I am  I just want the little one to be ok, the family to be ok.

I love you!
Mother's Day will never be the same.
Love you forever,
Mummy.

Prayers Needed

As many of you know, my brother, and sister-in-law in England are due to have their first child on May 15th. She is full term right now, but has just been admitted to the hospital with pre-eclampsia. High blood pressure, protein in her urine etc. They could have the baby at anytime.

Please pray with me for the doctors, midwives and nurses- that they will make the safest decisions for the family.
Please pray for my brother, Peter, and sister-in-law Kate- that they will be strong and be well- and welcome a baby- kicking and screaming- into this world.
Please pray for me- and I am terrified for them all. I know the many pregnancies end with pre-eclampsia- and most babies, and mothers turn out just fine, especially at 39 weeks pregnant. but others -do not-  and coming from my situation- statistics don't matter much.

I hope that I will be a beaming, happy, joyful Auntie within the next few days!
Here are the two of them, on their wedding day about 2  years ago!!

Cousin

Hello my Noah's Bear,

Grandma is here this week. On Sunday she goes to England because Uncle Peter and Auntie Kate are going to have a little baby very soon.
Do you know what this new little baby looks like? If it's a boy or girl? If you have any influence- please send the little one nice and safe to Uncle Peter and Auntie Kate!
This little baby will be your first, 1st cousin! You've never been a cousin before!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Happy 1st Birthday Jenna Belle

Dear Noah,
I hope you are hosting a little birthday for your friend Jenna Belle.
Her Mummy is very close to having a little brother for her, so there is lost to celebrate up there.
Her mummy is also hosting a giveaway for her birthday!!  Isn't that a nice thing to do!!

Love you forever,
Mummy

How can blenders make me sad?

Hi Bear Bear,
Grandma and Poppy arrive in a few days, they are coming for a week, before they go off to England to be with Uncle Peter and Aunt Kate when they have their baby, your cousin!
It will be nice to be with my Mum on mother's day- we haven't been together for that in a long time. Grandma leaves on Mother's day, but at least she will be here for a few hours!

I bought a Magic Bullet today, that's a blender thing. I bought it mostly for making Charlotte's food- It made me think of you. I am just now beginning to buy things for her, that weren't yours first. We had everything we needed for your first few months- everything- I've hardly even had to buy many diapers for your sister because we had so many for you, in different sizes.  It's weird to buy things for her, other than clothes. I don't know why. It's a little sad- it makes me feel like little by little I am losing you. Strange, how a blender can do that.  I didn't get to make your baby food. and that makes me sad.  The Magic Bullet is fun though, I must say. I'm sure you'd love the smotthie Mummy is drinking right now- berries and yogurt and juice- Yum!

Well.. just writing to say I love you, and to let you know that, like always, I am thinking of you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Doing good in her name

Hi Noah Bear,

Remember this? How Mummy was donating some stuff to other people in your memory for your birthday.

Well I sent a big box the other day. Here is a picture

It was good to give - for you.

I love you forever, 

Mummy

Poem

Look Noah,
Mummy's poem to you, is here http://stilllife365.blogspot.com
Spreading the word about your wonderful self!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Note to self

Note to self:
Don't let the Daddy read the blog- even if he asks to- it's too hard on him. He said even the music is sad! He said sometimes it's so happy it's sad.

He asked to read it because I told him that one of my poems was going to be on stilllife365 on Tuesday.
stilllife365.blogspot.com   He wanted to read it.

Daddy says I should write a book. But I know that there are way more talented people in the world of writing-  and certainly in the 'baby loss' world of blogs. Not a book- just a personal release. Who knows what I'd be like in my real life if not for this blog.

I think it helps!

I love you my little bear!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Dear Noah,
I love you forever... and a day
Mummy

howdy

Hi Noah!

Well, Mummy's laptop is getting fixed!
The video camera stopped working, so ACER asked us to send it to them, so they could fix it!
NOW, until it is back, Mummy has to go downstairs to write to you-- not too far away, but I can only really do it when your sister is sleeping, in her crib.
So, you might not hear from me quite so much over the next while.

Hope things are well up there! Thanks for sending sunshine and love for Daddy's birthday yesterday!
We love you, so, so, so, so, so much
You will always be our baby.

Love you forever,
Mummy