**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Saltwater Joys

Hi Baby Boy,

I"m in Trouty- it's a beautiful sunny day- a little wind, a little cool- but a beautiful Newfoundland day. Your sister is napping, your Grandma and Poppy are out helping the neighbours get organized for a community party tonight. All I can think of is you.

I look out the window and see the trees, the hills and mountains, the river leading into the Ocean. Three kitty-cats next door just waiting to be chased by a 2 year old boy. A little orchard, flower garden, vegetable garden- just waiting to be pounced on. A Poppy- loving his granddaughter more than anything in this world- but longing to hear the 'why's' of a 2 year old, yearning to take that 2 year old out fishing, down to the wharf, to touch the salt sea. A Grandma singing to her granddaughter and so proud- but behind it- missing the toddler, walking along side her down the lane, longing to have a tag-along to help pick blueberries- having to give your face a big wash when you come back because it's full of blue- and the basket is empty.

It is beautiful here, Noah. I feel closer to you, closer to God.  I even feel closer to myself.
It's calm- It's beautiful- It's right- It's home.
It's where I wish so much I could have raised you, and could raise your siblings.
It's where I wish everyone could see at least once in their lifetime- so they could have a glimpse into a world only miles away- but so different than their fast-paced-dirty-busy-smoggy place where most live.

I miss you my boy. I grieve for the time we would have had together- just doing nothing, just being ourselves.

for now, I will have to hang onto your little sister a little tighter... hold her a little closer, look deeply into her blueberry eyes- so I can see you- you will always be a part of her- the big brother, she'll never know.

I love you forever

Saltwater Joys- one of my favourite, nostaligic songs. The lyrics are just amazing to me- and oh, so true