**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

I've been given an Honest Scrap award by Akul's Mama , at http://aajaakul.blogspot.com/ . Thanks!

"This award is for
bloggers who post from their heart, those who write from the depths of their soul."

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other
bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following
Beth -

10 honest things about me:

1. I am much less 'OK' than most people in my daily life think I am. For some reason I portray this image of a strong, 'with it', 'together' woman-- people do'nt realize that I'm not.

2. I wish I were younger- even though I am already young- I wanted to be finished having my children by now- and to the world, I am just beginning.

3. I don't dream about Noah- but I wish I did

4. I secretly love reality TV!... I know, I know!

5. My last truly happy day was April 7th 2008. I have come to grips with the fact that none of my days will ever be this happy, as I will never have my complete family here with me. I will never be truly complete here on earth without Noah.

6. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor... now, I'm terrified of them, and nurses, and hospitals, and any opinion they may have.

7. I could work harder at my job.

8. The past 17 months has felt so long, yet has also been a blur- which I can't escape from.

9. I hate when people ask me 'how are you feeling', in regards to the pregnancy, and then say things like 'How have the ultrasounds been', I say.. 'fine' they say, 'well, you have nothing to worrry about then- you will have a healthy baby'. It makes me want to shake them and say- Noah was thought to be 'healthy' until about 12 hours before he died in my arms.

10. blogging helps me grieve- it helps me think- it helps me be me- somewhere where people understand what it might be like to be me- somewhere where speaking of a dead baby is not taboo, and is not reacted to by turning away in awkwardness. Thank you all for that.

Well, That's that.
happy blogging everyone

Hello Baby Noah,
Another one of those blog posts that isn't a letter to you- must be confusing sometimes! But you're a smart boy, you'll figure it out!
Gramma and Grampy arrive today with Auntie Kristin.
I wish you were here to see them,
Love you forever,

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Goodnight my beautiful prince...

Love you forever,

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Hi Baby boy-

I hope wherever you are- you are told how beautiful you are.
I was thinking about that last night... it's so sad how many people didn't get to see your beauty, your handsomness, your absolute purity and innocence that pictures just can't grasp. The life that was in you in your short life was more than some adults have in their long number of years- you were full of life, full of wonder, full of beauty- your eyes were big- as if you knew you had to open them wide to see all you could see before you were gone.... such a beauty
I was one of the lucky few to see such beauty.
Just thought I'd let you know...
I love you forever,

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Your tree

Hi Monkey,

The other day, Daddy and I placed a geocache by your tree!
It's name is 'Noah's Cache'
So now, people, whoever else plays the game, and goes to find it- will also find your tree- and be able to stop for a moment and realize how special you are!
We hid it under the green frog that used to be in our garden- it has a hole in its bum- so we hid it in there! he he he.
for those of you who don't know what geocaching is- it is a wonderful family activity that is like a scavenger hunt all over the world. All you need is the internet, and a cheap GPS ( www.geocaching.com )

Just thought i'd let you know- lots of people have already found it!
Love you forever,

Friday, August 21, 2009

Good Day

Hi baby boy,

Mummy just wanted to let you know that she is having a good day down here! I'm a little bored being off work.. but like it better than working, so I can't complain!

I hope you are having a good day too. I love you. I miss you

Love you forever,

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Dearest Boy,

Today I'm thinking alot about hope... Hope- as in, hope for our future as your family, and Hope- as in, a wonderful women I know's little girl, whose 1st birthday it is in heaven.

I remember your first birthday- it was so hard for Mummy and Daddy, mostly the lead up to it was hard, because I didn't know how I was going to deal with it.. and you know Mummy... always needing to be prepared. But, how can you prepare for the loss of your child, your first child, after a wonderful pregnancy.. like you, my Noah, and Sally and Simon's Hope.

Today will be a hard day for Hope's Mummy and Daddy too.. everyday is a hard day for someone whose lost a child- but the first birthday- that's the toughest so far.

I miss you Noah, I wish you were here to see Mummy's tummy growing because of your baby sister- I wish you were here to help us pick out some clothes for her, and to come to the hospital to see her when she is born... I wish, I wish, I wish... these wishes will never be granted.

I wish noone else would ever lose a child-- this wish can never be granted either.
I wish Hope's parents and the little, beautiful little boy growing inside her Mummy's tummy find peace today, some solace from the ongoing storm of grief, and some comfort that they have a beautiful daughter watching over them, knowing that she is loved. I hope this wish is granted.

Love you forever,

Saturday, August 15, 2009

we're back!

Daddy and Casey
Mummy and Charlotte
Your name in the sand in the evening
the froggy that came to visit us!
the geese flying by!

Hi Baby Boy,

Cottage was great fun for Daddy and I, and Casey! Casey puppy learned how to swim!!! I'm going to upload some pictures, and maybe even a video for you!
Love you forever,

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Hi Monkey,

Well sweet darling boy, Daddy and I are going away for a little while. We have booked a cottage up North where I don't think there will be any internet service, and even if there is- I need a break.
I know I don't write religiously every week anyway- but, just in case you miss me, you know where I am.

Daddy and I plan to relax, go in the canoe, sit by the fire, cuddle lots- all these things we would have done with you this year too.. you would fit in a life jacket by now, and could go out canoeing with Daddy and I and your puppy Casey. I wish you were here..... I wish Daddy had gotten the chance to teach you about fires, and canoeing. He loves you so much.

We;ll be back next week. Don't forget how much we love and miss you my sweet, sweet boy. You are so loved- and although all I have are pictures and memories-- I love you more each day-- even without seeing your growing, beautiful, happy face that you would have right now if you were with me.. more each day.

I love you forever,

Saturday, August 1, 2009


I love you forever,