**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Back at SickKids

I love you baby bear.... forever.

Mummy, Daddy and Charlotte went to SickKids today to visit with Lori. Lori is the Palliative Care/Bereavement Coordinator at the NICU at SickKids, and because your time there was so short, she was the nurse whom we had the most contact.
It was nice to see her, we went down to the cafeteria and talked for about 2 hours! She hadn't met Charlotte- so it was nice for her to see her.

It wasn't as hard to be there as it was the first time I went back. I think having Charlotte makes it a little easier- because I'm not quite as jealous of all the babies being wheeled around and thriving.. although little boys still pull at my heart strings, I think they always will.
I thought I'd post some more pictures here! I didn't share many pictures at the beginning of my blogging days, because I really didn't know how to upload them- then, once I figured it all out- I didn't really do it much on your blog, mostly on your sisters. Anyway- here are a few photo's of you.. it's amazing how different you look from when you were born, to when you were sick, 2 days later. But- still my little boy, always my little boy...

HERE YOU  are being held up by the nurse when we were in the recovery room! you had a good set of lungs!
Here you are in your little Noah's Ark sleeper! so cute! and so tiny! That's Grammie's hand on your chest! and.. you are wearing the mystery bib. I have kept everything, and have held on so, so , so tight to everything you touched. But.. I can't find that bib. It's been driving  me CRAZY for 2.5 years. CRAZY. I figured maybe i'd find it when I packed up the house for the move.. but not yet.  It's sad to me- you touched it- it was yours... now it's gone. 

I love this picture- I call it your burrito picture- because, well, you look like a burrito! All wrapped up in your blanket!

Here you are with your cute little lips! and Holding on to Grandma's hand!

and here you are... at Sickkids, as we said goodbye. After a surgery that couldn't save you. the beginning a lifetime of tears for a Mummy. 

Love you Love you Love you
Love you Forever, 

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Bittersweet day

Dear Noah,

I had one of those bitter-sweet days today.

I am in the process of starting to organize things to pack for our move. Today, during Charlotte's nap (because that's the only time I can really pack, or do anything for the move... ahhh,... 4 weeks away!!) anyway... today, I organized and packed up your stuff. Daddy made a pine chest, sort of like a big toy box for al your things. I got to look at it all again. It's something I don't do very often. We have reminders of you, and pictures of you all over the house, but I rarely look at the other things. They're neatly packed away.
It was nice to look at them. to touch your hospital bracelets, smell your blanket, and the outfits you wore, look at more of your pictures, read letters and cards people wrote, look at pictures and cards that my school kids made for me- before you were born, and then, after you died.

It's so nice to see and touch these things- but it's so hard too. It's part of my life- it is my life- my son died, my first born baby didn't get to grow up, we loved him, we held him, we kissed him and sang to him, and then- he was gone- it was gone- the future was gone. Life changed. These things are a reminder of that too- the anger, sadness, bitterness, loneliness, the lost future that we had planned.

It's hard to look at all your things sometimes, but it will never be all bad- it can't be when it has to do with you- my perfect little baby boy.

On another note- a neighbours mother died today. Mrs. Calvert. She was one of the few people that really knew you- touched you, held you, kissed you. I hope she is whereever you are- maybe she'll hold you again- maybe that will remind you of our time together.

I love you my baby boy. I miss you so much. I wish you were coming with us on our big move to Newfoundland.  You would love it there- it's the perfect place for a little boy.

Love you forever,

Monday, October 18, 2010


Hi Baby Boy,

I miss you so much this morning. Your sister woke up, and went back for a nap pretty much right away. I wish you were here to have breakfast with me! Maybe we'd make eggs, or waffles, or pancakes! Maybe we'd sit at the table, or sit on the couch and watch cartoons! Maybe we'd be silly and sing songs after breakfast while holding spoons like mircophones- but not too loud, so we wouldn't wake your sister.

Instead, I am going to have toast, and watch the news. BORING!

At least I get to write to you.

I love you more and more and more.
I wish you were here... for me, for daddy and for your sister.
We all miss you, and love you.

Love you forever,

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Giveaway- WE HAVE A WINNER!!

Thank you to all of those who entered my 1st Giveaway!
It's been a crazy couple weeks, and so I have just gotten around to the draw now! Sorry to keep you on your toes!

I used the random number generator on random.org... but because I am not all that computer savvy, I can't figure out how to save it as a picture to post here.. so you will have to beleive me when I say, that the random number that it came up with, between 1 and 12, was 3.

congrats, Tiffany, You've won!

If you could email me at janesk8 (at) hotmail (dot) com, with your contact information, and the florish or rosette you would like from Fran's Etsy shop  . Then I can get it to you ASAP!

Hope to have another giveaway soon!

Thanks for following, reading, supporting, and loving!


Saturday, October 2, 2010

50 Followers **Giveaway!**

50 Followers- WoW!

I've decided to hold my first giveaway for this milestone! I've been trying to decide what to giveaway- and I've decided to help out a fellow BLM!
Franchesca from Small Bird Studio does a number of art type things -blog makeovers, canvas work  etc. I've decided that for my first giveaway I will be offering a flourish or rosette of the winners choice from Fran's Etsy Shop.

Like- the Jenna Belle Rosette with alligator clip or broach pin

Or, Maybe you'd choose the Amy Rosette?

Or, Perhaps, the Nancy Flourish?

Go to the Etsy Shop to choose the one you'd like!! 

But- How do you win?
There are a few ways:

1. Become a follower of this blog
2. Become a follower of my other blog (Cherishing Charlotte)
3. Make a blog post about this giveaway, so others can find it too!
4 Grab my button (from my sidebar) and put it on your site
5. Look at the Small Bird Studio Etsy Shop and let me know which Flourish or Rosette you'd love to have it you win! 

**Please post a separate comment for each entry**

I will be taking entries until October 6th, which happens to be Noah's 2 1/2 year birthday (30 months).  Stay Tuned for the lucky winner!

Good Luck!