**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Pie Throwing Festival!!

I am indulging in Carlys Pie Throwing Festivities

This pie-lets say Blueberry pie- gets thrown right into the face of people who think I am less than I am, and dont take the time to notice the difference. If we all just saw the good in things, the good in people. Used compassion instead of insult and anger, patience instead of hostility....  Ah.. off my chest.... thanks Carly!

Anyway, our family is on the move- a huge move, accross the country. Weève moved out of our first home together, our belonging are on a big truck being driven accross the country, we are visiting family along the way. And despite how crazy this sounds- it feels good. Matt and I were talking as we left our house- said good by to the rooms, the spots etc.... how we cant say goodbye to the memories- they come along with us in this ride of life. We realized how happy we were as we left- how at peace we both are with this deicision (and this says a lot of my anxious and worrysome way!)... this is good... it feels good... we are at peace!
We love you! Going to see Kimmy tomorrow! and visting the cemetary too!
Love you forever,

Monday, November 1, 2010

Insert 2 1/2 year old boy....

Hi Baby boy..

We got 'family' pictures done the other month. Family pictures- although wonderful- have always been a sore spot for me. It was one of the first things I thought of when I realized that I would never be really, truly, PERFECTLY happy again. That a family picture- will never truly be a family picture. How can it be without you here??   I am very happy right now- life is grand. But it isn't perfect- perfection doesn't come for a family after a child dies. Might seem harsh for me to say to those who haven't lost a child- but in my eyes. It's the raw truth. Our reality. You were perfect- you are perfect- but you aren't here- you died-- so how can life be perfect for me- it can't. end. of.

Anyway... Emily, the photographer knows all about you- because her little boy Kai, and Charlotte are friends! She got some great pictures with Milton, your froggy in them- not nearly as wonderful as it would have been to have you in them... but as perfect as this non-perfect family picture can get!.
How I wish I could just insert a 2 1/2 year old boy, on his daddy's back, hugging his sister, or looking at his Mummy... not any 2 1/2 year old boy though- nope- just you!

Here are some of our pictures- the ones with your froggie... Hope you love them! isn't your sister getting big?

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Love you forever,