**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How can blenders make me sad?

Hi Bear Bear,
Grandma and Poppy arrive in a few days, they are coming for a week, before they go off to England to be with Uncle Peter and Aunt Kate when they have their baby, your cousin!
It will be nice to be with my Mum on mother's day- we haven't been together for that in a long time. Grandma leaves on Mother's day, but at least she will be here for a few hours!

I bought a Magic Bullet today, that's a blender thing. I bought it mostly for making Charlotte's food- It made me think of you. I am just now beginning to buy things for her, that weren't yours first. We had everything we needed for your first few months- everything- I've hardly even had to buy many diapers for your sister because we had so many for you, in different sizes.  It's weird to buy things for her, other than clothes. I don't know why. It's a little sad- it makes me feel like little by little I am losing you. Strange, how a blender can do that.  I didn't get to make your baby food. and that makes me sad.  The Magic Bullet is fun though, I must say. I'm sure you'd love the smotthie Mummy is drinking right now- berries and yogurt and juice- Yum!

Well.. just writing to say I love you, and to let you know that, like always, I am thinking of you.

Love you forever,

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Doing good in her name

Hi Noah Bear,

Remember this? How Mummy was donating some stuff to other people in your memory for your birthday.
Well I sent a big box the other day. Here is a picture

It was good to give - for you.
I love you forever, 


Look Noah,
Mummy's poem to you, is here http://stilllife365.blogspot.com
Spreading the word about your wonderful self!
Love you forever,

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Note to self

Note to self:
Don't let the Daddy read the blog- even if he asks to- it's too hard on him. He said even the music is sad! He said sometimes it's so happy it's sad.

He asked to read it because I told him that one of my poems was going to be on stilllife365 on Tuesday.
stilllife365.blogspot.com   He wanted to read it.

Daddy says I should write a book. But I know that there are way more talented people in the world of writing-  and certainly in the 'baby loss' world of blogs. Not a book- just a personal release. Who knows what I'd be like in my real life if not for this blog.

I think it helps!

I love you my little bear!
Love you forever,

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dear Noah,
I love you forever... and a day

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Hi Noah!

Well, Mummy's laptop is getting fixed!
The video camera stopped working, so ACER asked us to send it to them, so they could fix it!
NOW, until it is back, Mummy has to go downstairs to write to you-- not too far away, but I can only really do it when your sister is sleeping, in her crib.
So, you might not hear from me quite so much over the next while.

Hope things are well up there! Thanks for sending sunshine and love for Daddy's birthday yesterday!
We love you, so, so, so, so, so much
You will always be our baby.

Love you forever,

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Hi Baby Bear,

Mummy and Daddy and Charlotte just got back from an exciting trip to Radio World for daddy to get a GPS for his birthday! I think i've told you about Geocaching before- well, this GPS makes it easier to upload caches and can do all sorts of other things!
Daddy is excited!
He is down in the park playing with it!

We love you, and miss you so much,
Wish you could cache with us too!

Love you forever,

Thursday, April 8, 2010


0  cards  1 card (thanks Christine!)
2 phone calls
1 email
1 set of flowers

year two is much lonelier than year one.

I can't expect people to remember, and honour him as I do each year.

I can't expect people to feel sorry for me on this day, forever.

In a way, I'm glad people don't feel sorry for me.

In a way, I wish they would.

I just wish this wasn't something that I even had to think about.

Why can't I live in ignorant bliss too?


Today marks two years since Noah's death. Actually it was exactly 2 years ago to the hour that he was sent to Sick Kids hospital- noone thought he would die. Then... 12 hours later, he was dead.

From this - blowing bubbles!(24 hours before he died)

To this (as we said goodbye)
Beautiful, Loved, Wanted - in both pictures.
Beautiful, Loved, Wanted- still

I love you forever Noah.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

two years ago your tiptoed into my life
crying as you came into the world

a beautiful little boy
'perfect in every way'
said the doctor

we got to know you
we knew we loved you
we got to hold you
we didn't know we'd lose you

two days later
my world collapsed

surgery, tubes, machines
a sight that will never leave my mind

you died surrounded by love
wrapped with love
mummy and daddy by your side
grandparents looking on

your legacy-one i never imagined
changed outlooks, changed parents
everything good, done in your name

two years ago you tiptoed into my life
crying as you entered, silent as you left.

Love you forever,

Pictures from Your 2nd Easter/Birthday

Hi Again Baby Boy..
Look-- here is your spot at the cemetary! With brithday balloons, flowers, a little chick for easter, and a donkey (I named him Gus) from Grandma!

a close up of Gus, the donkey :) isn't he cute? Thanks Grandma!

Your sister is saying Happy Easter Big Brother- I love you!

Up pops Mummy! 

Happy Easter and Happy Birthday Again!
Mummy loves you

Love you Forever, 

Happy 2nd Birthday Noah

Hello Birthday Boy,

I hope my kisses, cuddles and hugs have made it to you by now.
I can only imagine how today would have been different with you here. I'm sure you'd be like a bouncing Tigger... jumping around saying 'happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!'... You'd get your favourite food all day.... and birthday pressies- maybe a new tricycle, or a power wheels, or a truck, or doll that you saw on TV that you just couldn't live without!

Oh how I long for you today my boy. Everyday, but especially on these very special milestones.

You are my baby boy, and always will be. You have changed me more than you, or I will ever know. You have impacted my life. You have made me a better Mummy, a better person.

I wish I could mother you here on earth. I wish I knew that you knew just how much I love you my baby boy.
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I love you forever
I like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

Happy Birthday - 2 is a good number!

Love you forever,

Here you are, Exactly 2 years ago. RIGHT after being born. Look, you're trying to suck your thumb! I think you would have gotten the hang of it quicker than your sister!! 

Here is you and Daddy! It's the only picture we have on your birthday with JUST you and daddy! Look how tiny you are! Your Daddy was, and is still so, so proud of you!

Here is our first cuddle!! You are just so beautiful, I couldn't stop looking at you. I wanted to kiss ever inch of that teeny, tiny body. Mummy  misses those cuddles.