**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Uncle Steve

Hi Monkey..
Uncle Steve and Aunt Tanya are coming to our house today.. I wish they were coming to see you

We are going to go to Wonderland. I'm sure it will be nice

How are you doing up there?? Taking care of all the little ones and getting spoiled by your great grandparents?? I hope so.

I wish I could kiss you.
I love you

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


It's morning time.. and I miss you.
wish I could hold you
never will forget you

Monday, August 25, 2008


Hi Monkey,

Today was my first day back at work full-time. It was an easy day- because there were no kids.. just me in the classroom cleaning up and organizing.

I miss you so much. I wish so much that you were here. I see famillies with strollers and babies, and pregnant bellies.. and it makes me need you even more- why do they get to have their children, and I don't get to have you?? Sometimes I see people yelling and their kids, or putting their kids in messy messy dirty cars, or feeding them pop... it makes me so sad- that they can have their kids and I can't have you. Life isn't fair is it. You didn't even get a chance.

Somedays I just don't know what to do.. I wish I could be with you, or you could be with me. I wish I could turn back time.
I just need to cuddle you and look into your beautiful eyes.
I need you to know that I love you so much Noah. I've never loved anything like I love you. Nothing will ever be the same.
I want April 7th back.
I wouldn't ever let you go.

I love you
I love you
I love you
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


Hi Monkey.. You are so special.. I think about you all the time.. I am so proud of you.. proud that you were so beautiful... proud that you fought so hard to be healthy.. proud that you are my son.
I hope you're proud of me too!

Today was an OK day. I only have a few days until I go back to work full time.. I keep thinking how horrible it will be because I should be off, with you!! I hoped so much that by the time I went back full-time I would have your little brother or sister in my belly, so I could then count down the months, weeks and then days until I get time off again, with your brother or sister. I thought it might help.. that I'm going back.. but then I have a time when I am going to be off again.. right now, it is all up in the air. It's so hard not having you here... so many things are different.. so many things are not as they were planned.. so many things don't bring me joy anymore- because I lost the BEST joy.. (that's you!)

Yesterday I was shopping for plant pots for Daddy's work.. and while I was at the store, I was looking at scrapbooking stuff (of course!)... I found a cute little Noah's Ark book.. but I already made a scrapbook of you.. so.. who would I buy to for?? Well.. your grammie already has so much stuff bought for a scrapbook for you.. so I though, since I don't think you grandma is going to scrapbook anytime soon, that I would do one for her!! So.. I did that all day.. it was nice to do- I love looking at your pictures :)
Uhoh.. I just remembered.. I think she reads this on a daily basis (she checks up on me!)... so now she knows.. I can't keep a secret anyway, so she would have found out!
But- she won'tknow how wonderful it is until she gets it!... i must say I have become a great scrapbooker.. that's one thing that YOU taught me!! That's right.. you! I never would have started this if you were here with me.. I wouldn't have had time.. I would ahve colected pictures in albums, the regular way!.. So thanks I guess :)
You've done lots, and changed lots you know.. Your life meant a lot.. and will continue to mean alot. Noone that you have touched will ever look at a frog, butterfly or g-raf in the same way... when they see the story i read to you.. they'll think of you.. when they hear the name Noah said at a grocery store, or on someone's name tag.. they'll think of you... they will think of you and SMILE.. because you were perfect... you are perfect.. you were sent so we could feel the pure joy of having a child.. the excitment.. the anxiety.. the overwhelming love that comes with it. Unforuntatly.. our family also got the terrible, gut-wrenching, dread of you suddenly becoming sick and dying. Oh boy.. we could have don't without that. But through it all.. we are learning, growing, and hopefully little-by-little learning to life without you here in person.. but in our hearts always.
I love you Noah..
You know that right?
I wish I could go up to your crib and see you in it.. and take you out for a little midnight cuddle..oh what I would give to be able to have 1 more minute with you... but no time would be enough.. I want forever.
I love you forever

Monday, August 18, 2008


Good night sweet, sweet boy.
Wish I could tuck you in...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Mummy Can't Sleep

Hi Monkey,

Thanks for sending us a rainbow yesterday evening... it was lovely.. I was just telling you Dad the other day how we haven't seen a rainbow in a long time.

It's 1:30 in the morning right now.. Daddy is sound asleep.. I couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs so my moving around wouldn't waken him. Some nights are just terrible without you. I wish I were up because you needed me, because you neded your bum changed, or were hungry.. not because I am missing you.

Mummy and Daddy haven't been up to much latly.. life is kind of standing still.. I wish it would move faster some days.
Mummy and Daddy really are trying to make you a big brother!! It isn't going so well because Mummy is having some issues with cycles.. I don't expect you to know anything about that! What I do want you to know is that we love you, and we want to make you a big brother, we want to make sure that all of the stuff that was meant for you gets used by someone you would have loved and adored. It would bring more joy to Mummy and Daddy's life to have a little sibling for you... I do hope it happens soon.. remember though.. no matter what happens in our lives.. you will always be loved, you will forever be our first child.. noone can take that away from you. You will always be perfect, and never replaced.

We love you Noah.
We love you so much


Friday, August 15, 2008


Hi Baby Boy..

I love you so much.. I hope you never ever forget that.
Today is a very hard day.. I want you back with me.. I want to cuddle you, and hold you, I want to be a Mummy who is there for their child.. not who just writes them notes on a blog.
Oh Noah- I am so sorry that you didn't get a chance at a long life.. that I couldn't save you.. that you had to die. You don't deserve this.. Daddy and I don't deserve this. It's so hard.

Mummy needs your help Noah- I need you to look down on my and smile, I need your strength, I need to be ok, I need to know that you are ok.

I love you my sweet boy

Thursday, August 14, 2008


Hi Monkey.
I love you.
I've written less lately.. I've had some family here to keep me company and busy..
Next week might be different
Thinking of you always


Monday, August 11, 2008

Love you

MUAW.. Love you.. I miss you so much today..and everyday.

Friday, August 8, 2008


Hi Baby Boy,

Just writing to let you know that I love you.. Today I made a shadowbox for you with some of your 'stuff' in it.. it is beautiful! but not as beautiful as you!
I miss you.. Daddy and I love you!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

It's Raining

Hi Baby Boy,

Are you sending down rain from heaven?
I miss you an extra lot today... I miss you an extra lot everyday- but today especially for some reason I am reminded that I am a Mummy who doesn't get to hold and cuddle and feed and wash and play with her baby.... I love being your Mummy, but I do wish you could be with me.

Life isn't the same without you- Nothing is the same without you.
I long for April 6th and 7th to be back.. So I could hold you once more.
I love you forever,

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


Hi Baby Boy,

Today is Mummy and Daddy's 3rd Anniversary- A year ago we didn't think we would ever have another anniversary without you here. You were in my belly for our second Anniversary- we were so excited, anxious, and in love, with you and each other of course!

Gramma (your great-gramma) is here, she said she is going to take us out for dinner for our aniversary, that should be nice!

Oh how I miss you so much, your daddy does too.. I'm sure you see him sometimes when he is sad. I wish you could reach down from heaven and hold us.. I wish we could cuddle you.. I wish I could hear you cry and coo, and feel your little hands on me as I did for those 2 wonderful days.
We miss you Noah.. it will never go away.
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you more than anything else, different than anything else.. you will always be my perfect baby.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Weekend

Hi Noah, Your Uncle Peter got married on the weekend. I thought it was going to be hard, and it was. Mummy and Daddy had a good time, but we also had some moments where we went away from the crowd of happy people- to be with each other. We kept thinking of you- and how we wish you were here -we saw others with their children- and wished that they would have been you. Everything reminds us of you, everything. In the middle of the ceremony we saw a little butterfly fly past.. we figured it was you getting a closer look at your beautiful aunt and uncle. Well.. mummy is very tired now. I have assignments to write, but right now I must sleep. Love you my baby.... I wish you were here. Mummy