**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

You!

Hi Monkey.. You are so special.. I think about you all the time.. I am so proud of you.. proud that you were so beautiful... proud that you fought so hard to be healthy.. proud that you are my son.
I hope you're proud of me too!

Today was an OK day. I only have a few days until I go back to work full time.. I keep thinking how horrible it will be because I should be off, with you!! I hoped so much that by the time I went back full-time I would have your little brother or sister in my belly, so I could then count down the months, weeks and then days until I get time off again, with your brother or sister. I thought it might help.. that I'm going back.. but then I have a time when I am going to be off again.. right now, it is all up in the air. It's so hard not having you here... so many things are different.. so many things are not as they were planned.. so many things don't bring me joy anymore- because I lost the BEST joy.. (that's you!)

Yesterday I was shopping for plant pots for Daddy's work.. and while I was at the store, I was looking at scrapbooking stuff (of course!)... I found a cute little Noah's Ark book.. but I already made a scrapbook of you.. so.. who would I buy to for?? Well.. your grammie already has so much stuff bought for a scrapbook for you.. so I though, since I don't think you grandma is going to scrapbook anytime soon, that I would do one for her!! So.. I did that all day.. it was nice to do- I love looking at your pictures :)
Uhoh.. I just remembered.. I think she reads this on a daily basis (she checks up on me!)... so now she knows.. I can't keep a secret anyway, so she would have found out!
But- she won'tknow how wonderful it is until she gets it!... i must say I have become a great scrapbooker.. that's one thing that YOU taught me!! That's right.. you! I never would have started this if you were here with me.. I wouldn't have had time.. I would ahve colected pictures in albums, the regular way!.. So thanks I guess :)
You've done lots, and changed lots you know.. Your life meant a lot.. and will continue to mean alot. Noone that you have touched will ever look at a frog, butterfly or g-raf in the same way... when they see the story i read to you.. they'll think of you.. when they hear the name Noah said at a grocery store, or on someone's name tag.. they'll think of you... they will think of you and SMILE.. because you were perfect... you are perfect.. you were sent so we could feel the pure joy of having a child.. the excitment.. the anxiety.. the overwhelming love that comes with it. Unforuntatly.. our family also got the terrible, gut-wrenching, dread of you suddenly becoming sick and dying. Oh boy.. we could have don't without that. But through it all.. we are learning, growing, and hopefully little-by-little learning to life without you here in person.. but in our hearts always.
I love you Noah..
You know that right?
I wish I could go up to your crib and see you in it.. and take you out for a little midnight cuddle..oh what I would give to be able to have 1 more minute with you... but no time would be enough.. I want forever.
I love you forever
Mummy

1 comments:

Audrey said...

You're right Jane... everytime I see a frog or g-raf I think of Noah and smile. What a q-t-pie!
Same for Dug. Just today we were at a store that had these really nice (and expensive) bronze frogs and Dug said 'you should take a picture and send it to Jane.' :)
Noah will always be in our thoughts.