**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Grandma and Poppy are on their way!

Hi Little Buddy!!!

Grandma and Poppy are on a plane right now to visit Mummy.. well, really they are coming for Uncle Peter and Aunt Kate's wedding.. but they are stopping by our house first!

Grandma has been sneaking a peek at my notes to you too! I think she likes to know what Mummy is thinking sometimes- but that's ok!

So I will pick them up from the airport soon, and then we will go rent them a car.. then I have to go to work, but Grandma and Poppy will hang out here with Casey... I know they wish you were here for them to look after and cuddle and kiss and sing to. It is hard for them too. I think an extra hard thing for them is to see your Daddy and I so sad. THey would change it all if they could.. I know they would.

I was talking to Leah's Mummy the other day. You know Leah right? She is the beautiful little girl..maybe a bit bigger than you, she got there in heaven two weeks before you did. I'm sure she showed you around.. you both had hurty tummies...but now you should feel all better... because they say that everything is perfect in heaven.
ANyway... please let Leah know that her Mom and Dad miss her so much, just as your Daddy and I miss you. Please look out for Leah.. play together.. look down at us together. Her mommy and I are friends now- because of you guys- you brought us together- and we need each other.
Know that we are so proud of you, our little angels, and that we miss you dearly.

Well Noah, I must go and walk Casey.. Remember that I love you.. more than anything.. I mean that!
I love you
I miss you
I need you

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Hi Monkey..

Casey is here with me.... Casey is your puppy.. well, he is a full grown dog now, but he is little, like a puppy! You would have loved him, and he would have learned to love you too.. it may have taken him a while, but you would have been the best of friends!

Casey has been very cuddly and helping us when we are sad by giving us big cuddly puppy dog hugs.
I know he didn't know you, and you didn't know him.. but I do no that you probably heard him while you were in my belly..because he barks a lot.

He barked more while you were in my belly- I think because he was trying to protect us. He is getting much better now with his barks!

I should go now.. I need to take Casey for a walk.. then I have to go to work again.

I love you Noah.. big kisses from me, and cuddly puppy dog hugs and kisses from Casey!


Monday, July 28, 2008

Mondays are hard

Hi Muffin..
Why is it that I find Monday's hard??

Daddy said he dreamt of you the other night.. I was jealous, because, as I told you before, I don't dream anymore.
I wish I could dream of you, even if it were just once.

Tonite Daddy and I are going to clean up the house.. because grandma and poppy are coming, and we are going to go for ice cream.. i think Daddy knows it was a hard day for mummy.. and he knows it is good for me to get out of the house and do something... and we all know that daddy LOVES ice cream!

I'm doing laundry right now.. i ran out of detergent.. so I had to use the baby detergent that we had all ready for your clothes.. i wish I was washing your clothes.

Well.. this is a short note.. i have lots to clean, and before long daddy will be home and wanting ice cream.
Don't forget that I love you. I hope you are playing nicely with others up there.. give Nanny, and all your great granddaddys lots of hug and kisses.. I know great grandaddy and poppy are teaching you to fish.. and i'm sure grampy L and G are teaching you all about using tools, and about trains. ..Great nanny is probably making sure you are well fed, well dressed and that you use your manners. I know they are all so proud of you- and are taking care of you, because I can't. They loved me, so I know they love you too. Is Justin teaching you football?? and Kelly Anne teaching you to swim?? I wish I could be there to see you... I don't even know a way to make my life easier right now.. if you think of something... send it to me in a little dream, will you?
Like Cole and Breanna's Mummy says... If loved could have saved you, you would have lived forever...
I love you Noah,

The Weekend

Hi Baby Boy,

My weekend was busy. I went to you Aunt Kate's bridal shower in Monkton, Ontario.. visited Leah's Mummy, and went to Kingston.
I'm sure you know this- but your monument went up last week. daddy and I went to see it... it really is nice.. but I don't want it.. I want you. it is hard to see your beautiful name on a piece of marble.. along with the very best, and the very worst dates of my life.. April 6th.. when you were born- the best day of course.. a day I will never forget. and April 8th.. the day that you died.. also a day I will never forget.. but I day I wish had never happened.. because if it didn't, I would have you here with me.. I wouldn't have all this pain, and horrible flood of emotions running though me.. I wouldn't be writing to you, I'd be singing and talking and reading and playing and doing all the things a mummy is supposed to do. And I can't fix it.. all I can do is write.. to help me.. knowing that it will fix nothing... that you will never come back.. that I won't see you crawl, walk, lose your first tooth, ride your bike, sing, laugh, dance, play.. nothing.
it sucks Noah.. this isn't what I wanted for you. I needed you buddy. We were going to do so much, see so much, take Daddy to disney land, go on trips to newfoundland and Kingston.
And instead.. I am here, at my computer, crying, wishing all this were true. Knowing, that I have a stone, a piece of rock to remind me of you.
I'm sorry.. If you were here I wound't be burdening you with all this adult words and thoughts.
I love you Noah.. Life is never going to be the same without you.
April 7th- was my last truly happy day. I want my old self back- but you have a piece of me.. the best part... you have you!
I love you
I have to get ready to go to work now.. I have to be strong while I'm sure.. I can't cry like this.. it's so hard sometimes... people don't understand.
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you to the moon and back.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Uncle Peter

Hi Noah Bear,

Your uncle Peter arrived today from England. I picked him up at the Airport after work. I wish you were with me.
He is in Ontario because he is getting married next weekend. I wish you could be there too.. I would have gotten you a little suit- I know you would have been so cute. It will be a hard day for me-- seeing Kate's sisters babies.. and pregnant people.. and a family event without all our family.. without YOU!
We will all miss you
We do all miss you
Mummy and Daddy love you more than anything.. you know that.. right?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Hard Day..

Hi Baby Bear..

Can you tell that today is a hard day for Mummy? I think this is the third time I've written today!
Oh well... Whatever works .. right?
I wish you were here with me.. because you would be 3 1/2 months old, and just learning to sit up.. you would be smiling.. and looking all around.. and definatly recognising your name, and your mummy and daddy by now.
I really so grieve for all the things.. hopes.. dreams.. wishes that I had for you. I'll never get those back.
I am so thankful though.. that I had you for the 2 days that I did.. Some people don't even get that... but I am selffish.. and wanted you for forever.

We got news that your stone went up today.. That is good, since it has been much longer than they said it would.. but.. it is so final..Daddy and I are going to go on Sunday to Kingston.. to see how it looks.. and to visit your grammie and grampy.

Well.. daddy will be home from work soon.. I should go finish our dinner.. I wish you were here for dinner too!

I love you forever
This is our family picture!
You! Sleeping like a baby!
This is you looking like a taco! This is the blankie that you have with you now.. your Auntie Deborah gave it to you!
I love this picture.. you look like you have so much to see!
My very favourite picture of you!

Hey Baby Bear.. this blogging thing is new to me, but I have figured out how to add pictures! So, I am going to add some of your beautiful little self! Hope you don't mind :)

I'm so proud of you, you know! :) I hope you knew that!

Love you, Mummy

This is you.. just after you were born!


Good Afternoon Munchkin,

Did I tell you that YOU have made me LOVE Frogs?? Well, as you know, your room is decorated with some frogs. Well, since you left us I have enjoyed collecting thing with frogs on them.. because they remind me of you!
I have lots of frogs.. for my garden, stuffed toys, a winnie the pooh dressed as a frog (that's from Cole and Breanna's Mummy.. I'm sure you three are playing together up there!), wall hangings, framed pictures, even a broom with frogs on it!! I'll probably always collect little frogs.. forever.. because I will forever remember you.. and Frogs will help me with that!

Any frogs in heaven?
We saw one when we went to visit the cemetary last weekend!! it was so little and cute.. it was coming to say 'hello'!

I love you Noah.. so much.. this is so hard on Mummy.. but I know you had to go.
Take care of me from up there if you can...

Love you SO much,

One Year

Hi Munchkin..
I forgot to tell you.. or maybe you already know.
It was a year ago last Friday that your Daddy and I found out you were growing in my belly! We had wished for you for a while, and there you were- so loved already!
I loved having you in my belly... I felt the best I'd ever felt! I'll never forget the time you spent in there.. it was so wonderful!
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you extra much this time of year. .. I wish you were in my belly again.
Maybe sometime soon I will have your younger brother or sister in my belly.. that wil be lovely I'm sure! I will still miss you though, not matter what happens.. even if I have 85 more children- I will miss you. Nothing and Noone will ever replace you.. you are the one and only ever you.
I love you Noah.
*Butterfly Kisses*

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Hi Little buddy,
Today is Wednesday, but it really does feel like Tuesday... time has seemed to go backwards since we lost you.. if only time could go backwards, and your life could have been made longer, healthier.. if only I could always get my way.

Today I am working in the morning instead of the afternoon- it will keep me busier because I will be teaching instead of planning.

I just wanted to say HI.. I like this blog thing.. it makes me feel closer to you in some ways.
Daddy reads this sometimes.. so Hi Daddy!!!
Your daddy loves you so much, he misses you too. We talk about you all the time, and remember your precious little face, and are constantly reminded of how you have touched our lives.
We love you Noah.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Hi Monkey..

I miss you a lot today- I miss you everyday- but today just seems extra sad.
Maybe it is because my work is being really unsupportive- I guess they just don't understand how much I loved you, and how much it hurts me when I hear little children ask when you are coming back- because I know you can't.. but I wish you could.
I don't blame the children.. but I also don't want to be pushed to teach them and have really hard emotional days because of it..
Anyways my little monkey man.. I have some good news... I called SickKids today to see how much money has been raised in your name. I found out it is a whopping $3431.48. I was so happy to know that the money donated in memory of you could be used to purchase something big for the NICU bereavement unit. I talked to Lori at SickKids- she said she is going to use the money to go towards a camera and video camera so other little babies can have their picture taken like you did.

I love you.. I love you so much.. I love you more thank anything. No matter what else happens in my life, know that you are the one and only every you.. and because of you, my life will never be the same.
I love you forever,

Monday, July 21, 2008

Daddy is sleeping

Hey Munchkin,

I am right next to your daddy right now.. he is sleeping, but I can't sleep tonight. He has always been a good sleeper- I wish I was blessed with the ability to sleep right now.. I'm tired, emotionally and physically and mentally. Thoughts of you, and our time together often keep me awake- I day dream about your beautiful face, and toes, and fingers. I can't help but remember all of the wonderful moments we spent together. I remember waking up that first night in the hospital- you were on me- I had fallen asleep when we were trying to get you to eat- your daddy was looking at us, watching us, I could tell he was so proud of you- he still is. He is such a good daddy- the best! But you know that!
When I do finally get to sleep- I don't dream. I used to, before you were born, and left us- but not anymore- I don't think I've had one dream- not that I remember anyway. Maybe one night soon you can come to me in my dreams- and maybe cuddle and hug me- I'll feel you, I know I will!

Your puppy Casey is doing well, he is taking care of us. He is keeping us busy- and making sure that I get out for walks!

Your Kitties are doing well too.. Bella has gotten a little strange and has started to eat Casey's food, and Beau Beau's eye is still looking a little icky- but I am trying to be a good mummy to him, and keep is clean, so it will heal.

Your grandmas and grandpas miss you so much- and they are worried about your daddy and I. They call alot, and see us when they can. I bet you are so glad that you got to see them! They love you soo much!

I should try to get some sleep now, like your daddy.
I love you baby boy- Come visit me tonite in my dreams, we can have a little cuddle before I wake up for another tricky day.
Love and Kisses


Only the beginning

My Dearest Noah,

I got the idea to write letters to you not on my own.. as I have very little useful brain space right now, but from another Mummy whose baby is with you in heaven. Some people say that writing stuff down can help the grief process, so here I go, writing to you.

It will be nice to be able to tell you everything that is going on- I'm sure your Great-Nanny, and all your Great Grampys, and maybe Justin, and Kelly Anne will take turns reading these to you-- because I know you are still so little.. too little to read.

It has been three and a half months since your daddy and I had the best day of our lives- the day you were born.. and about the same amount of time since we have the very worst day of our lives, the day the you were taken from us, to live in heaven. People say time heals everything- but i'm not sure if that is true. How can I 'get over' my son- I can't! and I won't! Don't worry! You are not soething I can get over! You are my precious lamb, my little monkey and my perfect baby boy. I won't get over you- I will love you forever- and because you would want me to, I will continue to live my life to the fullest- the fullest I can at the time!

I love you