**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Weekend

Hi Baby Boy,

My weekend was busy. I went to you Aunt Kate's bridal shower in Monkton, Ontario.. visited Leah's Mummy, and went to Kingston.
I'm sure you know this- but your monument went up last week. daddy and I went to see it... it really is nice.. but I don't want it.. I want you. it is hard to see your beautiful name on a piece of marble.. along with the very best, and the very worst dates of my life.. April 6th.. when you were born- the best day of course.. a day I will never forget. and April 8th.. the day that you died.. also a day I will never forget.. but I day I wish had never happened.. because if it didn't, I would have you here with me.. I wouldn't have all this pain, and horrible flood of emotions running though me.. I wouldn't be writing to you, I'd be singing and talking and reading and playing and doing all the things a mummy is supposed to do. And I can't fix it.. all I can do is write.. to help me.. knowing that it will fix nothing... that you will never come back.. that I won't see you crawl, walk, lose your first tooth, ride your bike, sing, laugh, dance, play.. nothing.
it sucks Noah.. this isn't what I wanted for you. I needed you buddy. We were going to do so much, see so much, take Daddy to disney land, go on trips to newfoundland and Kingston.
And instead.. I am here, at my computer, crying, wishing all this were true. Knowing, that I have a stone, a piece of rock to remind me of you.
I'm sorry.. If you were here I wound't be burdening you with all this adult words and thoughts.
I love you Noah.. Life is never going to be the same without you.
April 7th- was my last truly happy day. I want my old self back- but you have a piece of me.. the best part... you have you!
I love you
I have to get ready to go to work now.. I have to be strong while I'm sure.. I can't cry like this.. it's so hard sometimes... people don't understand.
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you to the moon and back.