The Weekend

Hi Baby Boy,

My weekend was busy. I went to you Aunt Kate's bridal shower in Monkton, Ontario.. visited Leah's Mummy, and went to Kingston.
I'm sure you know this- but your monument went up last week. daddy and I went to see it... it really is nice.. but I don't want it.. I want you. it is hard to see your beautiful name on a piece of marble.. along with the very best, and the very worst dates of my life.. April 6th.. when you were born- the best day of course.. a day I will never forget. and April 8th.. the day that you died.. also a day I will never forget.. but I day I wish had never happened.. because if it didn't, I would have you here with me.. I wouldn't have all this pain, and horrible flood of emotions running though me.. I wouldn't be writing to you, I'd be singing and talking and reading and playing and doing all the things a mummy is supposed to do. And I can't fix it.. all I can do is write.. to help me.. knowing that it will fix nothing... that you will never come back.. that I won't see you crawl, walk, lose your first tooth, ride your bike, sing, laugh, dance, play.. nothing.
it sucks Noah.. this isn't what I wanted for you. I needed you buddy. We were going to do so much, see so much, take Daddy to disney land, go on trips to newfoundland and Kingston.
And instead.. I am here, at my computer, crying, wishing all this were true. Knowing, that I have a stone, a piece of rock to remind me of you.
I'm sorry.. If you were here I wound't be burdening you with all this adult words and thoughts.
I love you Noah.. Life is never going to be the same without you.
April 7th- was my last truly happy day. I want my old self back- but you have a piece of me.. the best part... you have you!
I love you
I have to get ready to go to work now.. I have to be strong while I'm sure.. I can't cry like this.. it's so hard sometimes... people don't understand.
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you to the moon and back.
Love,
Mummy