**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


Noah Bear,

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.... x infinity.

I love you baby bear. I miss you so much. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish I could feed you, keep you safe, put you to bed at night and sign you lullabys.
But for now... I can't.
I love you  forever,

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Who's Who?

Hi Noah- Look how much you and your sister look alike!! 
She's much more 'girly' of course- but the similarities are CRAZY! 

Just wanted to show you your little sister, and tell you thanks for sending her to look so much like you. It's comforting in many, many ways!

Love you forever, 

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Hi Baby boy,
Guess what- You officially have a little baby sister! Oh, How I wish I could have seen your face when you saw her for the first time.  She is beautiful- and looks a lot like you!
we are at home now. Charlotte is using a lot of your stuff, like some of your clothes, your blankies, your crib, your bibs. It's hard sometimes to see her use it- but it's good to. I know you would love your sister, and want everything for her that you would have had.

My letters may become short now sometimes... your sister eats a lot, and crys sometimes- so I don't have a lot of computer time anymore!

I love you forever my precious baby boy,


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Going to have your baby sister now!
Wish me luck
Love you forever,

Friday, November 13, 2009

Do you see her?

Hello Noah Bear,

4 sleeps until your new baby sister is born. Are you excited? Do you already know what she looks like? How big she'll be? I bet you do! Mummy is excited to find out all that stuff, and excited to know that she is safe.
Do you know if she will be safe?

Mummy doesn't have a lot to do in the next few days- Gramma is here, and she is making Mummy lots of stuff for her freezer, just like she did before you were born.  I do hope the next 4 days go fast. Mummy is finding it hard to sleep- I've been waking up in the middle of the night and having a bath- just to change positions. You used to love when Mummy took baths! Do you remember?

I love you Noah. I have no idea what life will bring after your sister is born, so I have no idea how much I will write to you- maybe more, maybe less, maybe the same amount. Either way, I know you know even when I don't write to you- every second I am thinking of you.

I love you forever,

Friday, November 6, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting- October

Are you a bereaved parent- become part of the secret garden meeting.  every month there is a question, or series of questions to write and think about. 

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 19 months, today since Noah was born. A beautiful little boy- we were so in awe, I didn't know I was able to feel such love and adoration.  But I did. Those first 24 hours were so 'normal', so wonderful, so surreal. Then, he became sick, and my world came crashing down around me.. he died within 24 hours.  19 Months later- I am doing ok most  days... if you ask friends who see me often they'd probably say Noah has changed me, but that I am fine. I am... sometimes, but I don't show when I'm not to my friends.... I don't want to hurt them, or make them sad.  I still go through moments of intense anger, sadness, denial, guilt, anxiety... moments when I am not sure that I can take it anymore, moments when I'm not sure how I got where I am... moments I"m not sure I want to be me. I think I will always have these moments... I expect it is normal?
I am 11 days away from delivering my subsequent baby, Charlotte.. a sister for Noah. It's a strange feeling. Everyone around me is so, so happy for me- that I will have a chance to 'mother' again. And so am I... but I don't think others always understand that my future is not going to be like every other mothers future.. when Charlotte cries- I am going to wonder what is wrong, when she spits up, I am going to wonder why- and if she is suffering from the same thing Noah did, when she has her first bath at home, part of me will feel sadness because Noah didn't ever get to do this, when she spends time in her crib, I will have this same feeling... it's Noahs crib, Noah's tub, Noah's high chair, Noah's bouncy chair- but Noah didn't get to use it. It will be bittersweet- I am goingto be sooo happy, I know it- but there will always be that feeling of I WISH, I WONDER... I think that is what some people don't get.  Some may think I am nuts if I randomly start crying when Charlotte does something different, or something for the first, second, third, twentyth time.... but it won't be random to me!
In terms of grief- I think I will be ok.. I have a wonderful supportive husband, and for the most part my family gets it.  My future holds some intense happiness (which I couldn't see until just a few months ago), and will forever hold that sadness- because a part of my heart is gone, and my family will never be whole here on earth-and that hurts more than most can imagine. 

Did I actually answer the question? I'm not sure! 

Noah Bear, 
I love you sweet monkey.  I miss your sweet face.
I love you forever, 

Sunday, November 1, 2009


muah! love you
I forgot to show you the pictures of the g-rafs from the zoo
thought i'd show you now!
kisses, kisses and more kisses!
love you forever,