**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Under the Tree - April

Carly, at scarlettriver26.blogspot.com posted new Under the Tree questions for April! These are great, they help me think about things that I may not have thought a lot about before- or put words in writing to things that I think about all the time!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 1 year and 3 weeks since we said hello, and goodbye to our Noah. My grief has changed a lot in the past year. At first, I think I was so numb that I couldn't feel anything- I think it was my body protecting itself from the immense pain, something i'd never had to deal with before. Then, last May/June it hit me.. my son was gone. My first born child would never grow up- he would never ride a bike, use the potty, do a spelling test, say 'Mamma'.. nothing. I had lost him forever- a part of my future was gone.

Although my grief has changed a lot since then, I still feel the same, and go through waves of feeling completly sorry for myself, and sorry for Noah that he doesn't get to live the life I had planned for him.

I think in many ways grief has become easier as time has passed. It has changed me in so many ways. I am not able to look back, and reflect on the ways that Noah's little life has impacted me, and my family in a big way.. and that makes me happy. I feel like in a terrible, unwanted situation, I have done things as right as I could- we remember Noah, we speak of him fondly, we have things in place so that Noah will be remembered, hopefully forever. These things have made me be able to be ok in the place where I am. I, of course, still wish this had never happened, I wish this would never happen to anyway.. but I am stronger because of it- heck, I can handle anything now. Noah was taught me so much.. about the world, about love, about life, about passion, and about hope.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

At first, it almost killed me.. I wanted to rush over to them and say.. be careful- all may be well, but you never know-- do all you can to make sure you have everything you need to rmember this baby, just incase s/he doesn't make it.. I didn't WANT to scare them, but I felt I had to. Of course, I never did do this, I just usually tried not to look- tried to get myself out of the situation. For me, even harder than seeing pregnant women was seeing little baby boys.

When I was TTC seeing pregnant people was like a 'kick in the face'.. why couldn't I be them, I went through this hell, and I can't even get pregnant easily.. where is the justice??

Now, that I am pregnant (although still very early, and very scary), it doesn't hurt quite as much to see pregnant people.. altough it does still hurt a little. Perhaps once I get further along, and have the baby belly it will be easier to handle- because I know there is more of a chance of this baby coming home.

I think little baby boys, and pregnant women will always be hard.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

In many ways, my therapy has been my computer.. and the women I have met through it. I've learned that I am not alone, that I don't have to suffer in silence, and that there really are other people who actually really understand.

I didn't go to counselling, however I ddi attend a couple of meetings last spring for parents of lost babies, and I did attend a 8 week thing in the fall with Bereaved Families of Ontario. These all helped in small ways- but I wouldn't say they were a majoy cource of comfort.

Altough, the people I've met through these groups have been, for the most part, great.

Blogging helps me... I had never done it before we lost Noah_ i used to think it was silly! .. now, in a way, it's my lifeline! How things change!

Well Noah bear... I know these monthly Under the Tree posts aren't really letter to you- but they do help Mummy through this crazy life!!

Love you forever,


Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I love you Noah.
Mummy loves you so much.
Do I tell you that enough?
You are the most wonderful thing that has even happened to me.
You are a blessing.
Your death was so, so difficult- IS so, so difficult.
But your life- those 9 months inside me, those 2 days in my arms- that was a blessing.

I hope every child is as loved as you.

Love you forever


Monday, April 13, 2009

Spring has Sprung

Hi Monkey,

Well, It's been Spring for a while now. but this week, it is actually starting to FEEL like Spring!
Some bulbs are coming up, the birdies are out, kids are playing outside, and the grass is looking a little bit more green!
Some of the bulbs that I put by your tree are coming up! I put ALOT down there in the Fall, but I'm pretty sure the squirel's had a little feast. SO far, we've got about 7 or 8 coming up! Better some than none I guess.

I miss you lots this week. It's Daddy's birthday tomorrow- I know he wishes so badly that you were here with us to celebrate his birthday! You could probably even have some icecream cake this year.. yummy!

It's amazing how far your Daddy and I have come in just one year. Last year, this week- I couldn't even open my eyes without feeling like I was torn apart inside- I could hardly speak, I thought I would never smile or laugh again. Then.. throughout this past year, even without you being here, you've taught us so much. Mummy can smile again (although it took a while). You've given us a reason for hope, a reason to keep going in this crazy, hard, pressing world. Keeping the memory of you alive, keeps us alive!
And, on top of everything, expecting your little brother or sister helps Mummy and Daddy to get through the weeks, days, and moments. Thanks for giving us that hope. I'm pretty sure you had a part in it.

Grandma and Poppy come on Wednesday, they were away for a while, and are now making their way back home. It will be nice to see them. I know they wish you were here, so they could snuggle you. I think it is so hard on your grandparents that you aren't here, especially when they come to visit. Your Daddy and I, we live here everyday- we live this life- without you in the house, with all your stuff around, all the time. They don't. ALthough your grandparents have things that remind them of you, I think it is different- and a little harder when they come here... it's an everyday reality for us. Something that unfortunatly, we've had to get used to... but beleive me, I'm never gonna like it.

Well munchkin- I am going to see your brother or sister today on an ultrasound machine.. He/She is soo so tiny still, that I don't think I'll be able to see much! But, it will be nice, and reassuring.

I love you forever,

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Song for YOU!

Hi Munchkin,
I found a song today- a song I wish I found one year ago, tomorrow.. to play at your funeral.
It's a song that Mummy listened to a lot as a kid, I had the CD and everything.. but I never did REALLY listen to it.. I never did REALLY understand what it meant... I don't think anyone will understand it unless they lost a baby.. especially a Noah!

Apparently, this song was written by Michael W. Smith, about 10 years ago when a friend of his had a baby, named Noah, who died at 2 days old.... like you!!

I can't beleive that I didn't find this song until now..

Here are the lyrics!

Hello, Goodbye- Michael W. Smith

Where’s the navigator of your destiny?
Where is the dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and its brevity
cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don’t want to let go of you yet


Noah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while

I love you Noah.. I'm glad I found this song. If I could find a way to put it on here, in music I would.. but the place where I found the music player online and addedthe music to your blog letters doesn't have that song.. I guess it isn't too popular.

I love you forever,

Monday, April 6, 2009

Happy Birthday Noah

Happy Birthday baby boy!!

Mummy and Daddy love you so much. I hope you know that, even if we can't tell you to your face everyday.
This year has been so hard-- so empty-- so lonely. But, today I choose to remember April 6th 2008- the very best day of my life- they day that you were born- and we were told that you were a perfectly healthy little boy. The day that I became a Mummy, and Daddy became a Daddy.
We love you Noah- I hope you know that.
I wish I could hug and kiss and snuggle you, especially today.

We put a birthday balloon by your tree, and by your stone.. hope you like them! I wish we were getting you fun toys, and big balloons and a yummy cake.. I wish you were here so it would feel more like a celebration.. I wish I knew what you would look like today, and what you'd be doing..
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I love you to the moon and back.