**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Spring has Sprung

Hi Monkey,

Well, It's been Spring for a while now. but this week, it is actually starting to FEEL like Spring!
Some bulbs are coming up, the birdies are out, kids are playing outside, and the grass is looking a little bit more green!
Some of the bulbs that I put by your tree are coming up! I put ALOT down there in the Fall, but I'm pretty sure the squirel's had a little feast. SO far, we've got about 7 or 8 coming up! Better some than none I guess.

I miss you lots this week. It's Daddy's birthday tomorrow- I know he wishes so badly that you were here with us to celebrate his birthday! You could probably even have some icecream cake this year.. yummy!

It's amazing how far your Daddy and I have come in just one year. Last year, this week- I couldn't even open my eyes without feeling like I was torn apart inside- I could hardly speak, I thought I would never smile or laugh again. Then.. throughout this past year, even without you being here, you've taught us so much. Mummy can smile again (although it took a while). You've given us a reason for hope, a reason to keep going in this crazy, hard, pressing world. Keeping the memory of you alive, keeps us alive!
And, on top of everything, expecting your little brother or sister helps Mummy and Daddy to get through the weeks, days, and moments. Thanks for giving us that hope. I'm pretty sure you had a part in it.

Grandma and Poppy come on Wednesday, they were away for a while, and are now making their way back home. It will be nice to see them. I know they wish you were here, so they could snuggle you. I think it is so hard on your grandparents that you aren't here, especially when they come to visit. Your Daddy and I, we live here everyday- we live this life- without you in the house, with all your stuff around, all the time. They don't. ALthough your grandparents have things that remind them of you, I think it is different- and a little harder when they come here... it's an everyday reality for us. Something that unfortunatly, we've had to get used to... but beleive me, I'm never gonna like it.

Well munchkin- I am going to see your brother or sister today on an ultrasound machine.. He/She is soo so tiny still, that I don't think I'll be able to see much! But, it will be nice, and reassuring.

I love you forever,