**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Under the Tree - April

Carly, at scarlettriver26.blogspot.com posted new Under the Tree questions for April! These are great, they help me think about things that I may not have thought a lot about before- or put words in writing to things that I think about all the time!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 1 year and 3 weeks since we said hello, and goodbye to our Noah. My grief has changed a lot in the past year. At first, I think I was so numb that I couldn't feel anything- I think it was my body protecting itself from the immense pain, something i'd never had to deal with before. Then, last May/June it hit me.. my son was gone. My first born child would never grow up- he would never ride a bike, use the potty, do a spelling test, say 'Mamma'.. nothing. I had lost him forever- a part of my future was gone.

Although my grief has changed a lot since then, I still feel the same, and go through waves of feeling completly sorry for myself, and sorry for Noah that he doesn't get to live the life I had planned for him.

I think in many ways grief has become easier as time has passed. It has changed me in so many ways. I am not able to look back, and reflect on the ways that Noah's little life has impacted me, and my family in a big way.. and that makes me happy. I feel like in a terrible, unwanted situation, I have done things as right as I could- we remember Noah, we speak of him fondly, we have things in place so that Noah will be remembered, hopefully forever. These things have made me be able to be ok in the place where I am. I, of course, still wish this had never happened, I wish this would never happen to anyway.. but I am stronger because of it- heck, I can handle anything now. Noah was taught me so much.. about the world, about love, about life, about passion, and about hope.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

At first, it almost killed me.. I wanted to rush over to them and say.. be careful- all may be well, but you never know-- do all you can to make sure you have everything you need to rmember this baby, just incase s/he doesn't make it.. I didn't WANT to scare them, but I felt I had to. Of course, I never did do this, I just usually tried not to look- tried to get myself out of the situation. For me, even harder than seeing pregnant women was seeing little baby boys.

When I was TTC seeing pregnant people was like a 'kick in the face'.. why couldn't I be them, I went through this hell, and I can't even get pregnant easily.. where is the justice??

Now, that I am pregnant (although still very early, and very scary), it doesn't hurt quite as much to see pregnant people.. altough it does still hurt a little. Perhaps once I get further along, and have the baby belly it will be easier to handle- because I know there is more of a chance of this baby coming home.

I think little baby boys, and pregnant women will always be hard.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

In many ways, my therapy has been my computer.. and the women I have met through it. I've learned that I am not alone, that I don't have to suffer in silence, and that there really are other people who actually really understand.

I didn't go to counselling, however I ddi attend a couple of meetings last spring for parents of lost babies, and I did attend a 8 week thing in the fall with Bereaved Families of Ontario. These all helped in small ways- but I wouldn't say they were a majoy cource of comfort.

Altough, the people I've met through these groups have been, for the most part, great.

Blogging helps me... I had never done it before we lost Noah_ i used to think it was silly! .. now, in a way, it's my lifeline! How things change!

Well Noah bear... I know these monthly Under the Tree posts aren't really letter to you- but they do help Mummy through this crazy life!!

Love you forever,



Rebekah said...

It hit me harder later on too. I think July/August were my lowest points but I'm glad it didn't overpower me all in the beginning- I'm not sure how I would have handled things. It's much easier for me to see little girls than little boys even though I didn't know Levi's gender until after we got the news. I know it wasn't a letter but I'm glad you posted & shared your heart!