**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Dear Noah,

I love you baby bear. It's so hard to imagine that you are almost 3. It should be so easy to imagine.
Mother's aren't supposed to feel like this.

On a better note- I got lots of mail today! Even a card from Grammie for your birthday!

So many people love and miss you- I just wish we didn't have to do the missing.

Love you forever,

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Little Joys: Mail

Dear Noah,

Mummy just LOVES getting mail.
Really any mail- cards and letters, bills and flyers- I just love mail! It may sound weird to some, but there is some sort of satisfying part of having my name written on something that I get to open up- like a little surprise. Obviously- cards and letters, happy notes and things are so, so much more exciting then junk mail and bills, I'm not crazy. But I do love going to the mail box and finding a surprise!  From what I can remember there has been only one piece of mail that I absolutely despised getting, and that was the 'Todays Parent' magazine that arrived at my house a few days after you died. Yikes- that was a kick in the pants. Daddy, your wonderful daddy, threw the magazine in the recycling bin and called right away and cancelled the subscription- no questions asked.

I love mail, and so I try to send mail as often as I can. I try to remember to keep family updated with photos of your sister- sometimes I send cards for no particular reason at all! Of course, there are times when I forget important birthdays... but, we all do that I think!

I've been so lucky to have some friends who send me mail now and then! It's so wonderful. it seems to be that the busiest friends seem to take time to send mail.

It is at times like these, months like these that mail becomes extra special to me- a reason to get off the couch and check the mail box- something to look forward too.

What is extra special is when people send me cards and mention YOU!  I love seeing your name, hearing your name. I love when people acknowledge your existence and your presence in my life, and even in theirs! This week, I got two cards from friends- for your birthday! One was even addressed to you- something I've never had before!  What a blessing it is to get mail- to get mail that reminds me of you- to get mail that reminds me that people remember you- people who never met you, remember you- people who never met you, have been impacted by you.  Here are the two cards I've gotten- both froggie cards- which makes them extra special, and extra YOU!

 and Look! this one was addressed to you!
That is special to me, and to your daddy.  we don't have a lot to hold on to- and we certainly have nothing 'new' that was yours. So, it is so nice to get mail that reminds us of you! What a blessing it is!

These next couple weeks will be difficult. It's the third time around now- Noah's birthday, without Noah. From experience, I'm expecting the lead up to his birthday to be much worse than the actual day- but to have an overall mad, sad, lazy, depressing, angry month.

I love you Noah. I'm going to try to be a happy Mummy for you and Charlotte- but sometimes, I just can't help it.
I miss you little boy- I know you aren't a baby anymore, but you'll always be Mummy's baby boy.

Love you forever,

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Noah's 3rd Birthday - Donation Drive

Noah's 3rd birthday is just around the corner. I'm not planning a pool party, or a truck themed party for 10 little 3 year old boys, I'm not looking through the Toys R Us flyer- finding deals on what every 3year old boy wants for their birthday, I'm not trying to keep a 3 year old from being over the top hyper for a whole 2 weeks before his birthday because he is so excited.

Instead- I'm remember those two wonderful days we had together, and of course, the terrible grief that comes with what followed. 

Last year I decided that each year, around Noah's birthday- I will make a donation to a charity- one which is in memory of a baby who has died, or goes to help other children in hospital, or living with critical illnesses. Each year, I will let people know via. email, facebook and my blog what I am doing- and invite them to help me. 

Last year, I donated to Doing Good In Her Name, in memory of little Peyton Binder, Kristin's daughter. 

Baby Noah LloydThis year, I am donating money to an Endowment fund that has been set up in Memory of Noah! My father set up an endowment fund soon after Noah died- this Fund will eventually be a yearly scholarship. It is given through Memorial University of Newfoundland. The Fund, background of the award, and how to donate can all be found RIGHT HERE.  Tax recipts will be mailed to your home, and there is an option to donate online, or to download and print a pledge card, and send the donation by mail. If you do not want to do either, you can mail me a cheque, or paypal me money, and I can fill out a pledge card for you. 

The Noah Awards is very important to our family- and we just can't wait to get the fund up to an amount where scholorships can be given out.  Here is an excerpt from the website/brochure:

The Noah Awards are:
  • The Noah Scholarship, which is awarded to a medical student, resident, or graduate student in a health related discipline, who is planning a career in a primary healthcare discipline.
  • The Noah Research Award, which is awarded to a researcher in a primary healthcare discipline.
  • The Noah Education Award, which is awarded to an educator in a primary healthcare discipline.
Each award winner must have succeeded through hard work and perseverance, and displayed humility and gentleness of character in approching work and life.

Financing for the Noah Awards is provided through the Noah Curtis Godwin Lloyd Endowment Fund. The fund is dependent on donations from Noah’s family as well as others who want to support primary healthcare and help us remember Baby Noah.

Will you help me? Will you spread the word? 

Here is the link again!

I understand completely that some people are not a financially able to donate- and I too understand that there are so many organizations and charities asking for money- even in the baby loss world. 

Please- continue to think of us, and pray for us- especially over the next few weeks as we celebrate our son and the day of his birth
Noah Curtis Godwin Lloyd
Peace and Love
Hope and Rainbows


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Greek Yogurt

Costco... picked up some yogurt.... automatically looked at expiry date... April 6....

What? April 6th is coming up already. Can't be. Every year at some point in March I look at something and there it is- Noah's birthday.

It's a good reminder. A reminder of so many precious moments, memories and feelings... but not enough. And these precious moments, memories and feelings are now tainted by the memories, moments and feelings from April 8th and the days following.

For some reason- April 6th catches me off guard. Every time I see it. Every.time.

Noah would be 3 years old this April 6th. I would already know how to 'walk through' the toddler years with a child- perfecting it with Charlotte. I would know what the 'terrible twos' would be like- how can they be terrible if your child's alive?

So much I wish for... so much never to know.

It's hard. But it's real.

Instead- I'll do something I can do- Hold my darling girl a little closer, make sure she knows about her big brother, and do everything in my power to keep Noah's beautiful spirit alive.

I love you forever Noah. But you already know that!