**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Noah's 2nd Birthday... wanna help?

I have decided to do something for someone else for Noah's birthday. If he were here- it would be all about him, trucks, tanks, monkeys and trampolines I"m sure.
But he isn't here. We won't have 10, 2 year olds running around the house, playing games and eating pizza. There won't be a party.

Instead- I've decided that each year, I am going to try to donate something, to someone.

In the 'blog world', I've met a number of women who have lost their babies/children.
Kristin (onceamother.blogspot.com) , lost her baby Peyton Elizabeth to a rare form of Cancer at just 28 days of age. Peyton was born on my 27th birthday.. just five months after Noah was born and died.
In memory or Peyton, Kristin has started something called 'Doing Good in Her Name'.
to read more go here: 

I am going to put together a box of stuff- for the foundation, so that she can donate it to the hospital wards that need it. Things that other parents will have to make special memories with their children. This will be done in memory, and in honour of my Noah. So far I have clothing, toys, booties, books and cd's!

You can help me
1. If you are in the area, why don't you go to the website, check out what they need and drop something bye my house before next Friday (April 9th). I'll pay to ship it, along with my things. (
2. . You can send things in yourself
3. You can donate money to the organization
4. You can pray for all of those families we will be helping, and for Peyton's family.
5. If you would rather- you can donate money to the Noah Awards (this will be next years birthday donation- but we can always use more!) 
6. Either way- check out the two websites- take a moment to pray/think about all of the families who are at this very moment, going through the battle of fighting for their children's lives, or saying goodbye to their child... and send a birthday wish to the stars for my Noah.

Thank you to Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow (http://jenn625.blogspot.com/) who sparked this idea for me, when posting her Mustard Seed giveaway idea.
Thanks for helping me make Noah's birthday an honourable one!

Jane, Matt and Charlotte. 

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I should be....

Hello my beautiful boy,

I should be planning your 2nd birthday party festivities around now. Instead- I bought you a little balloon for your tree. woohoo.... (sense the sarcasm... do you get sarcasm at 2... probably not!).
I wish you were here, jumping around, entertaining your sister, telling me all about the stuff you want for your birthday, like a tricycle, trucks and a trampoline. Maybe you'd  be excited about having a dumptruck cake, or maybe you'd want an animal cake... would you  like chocolate or vanilla? Would be be going to Kingston for easter with it being so close to your birthday? Would you and Daddy celebrate your birthdays together in style?

Oh baby boy.. how I wish I knew the answers- and not only just knew the answers- but could experience the answers.

Next Tuesday you should have been two. A two year old little boy who is more loved than so many... a two year old boy who I will never get to see again.. A two year old boy, who makes this twenty-eight year old girl fall to her knees in desperation. How could this happen to you?

I"ll write you again closer to your birthday my baby bear.
I love you forever,

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Hello Baby Boy,

Tomorrow, your sister is getting baptized. It will be a good day. However, it will be a day of mixed emotions for Mummy. You were Baptized, by the same person who will baptize Charlotte-- but, you were Baptized because you were going to die- you died in mere hours after you were Baptized. So, Baptism has become a sad thing for Mummy.
Tomorrow will be different than the night you were Baptized- tomorrow will be a more joyous occasion- one where people bring presents, sing, kiss your sister, and compliment her on her beautiful white dress. Not one where people kiss me, hold me, and look at me with eyes of sympathy and disbelief.
You will be a part of tomorrow. You will be there in Spirit- Jamie (the minister) will talk about you- YOU will be honoured in front of the church, as you are in our home daily. We will talk about you- and some people will get sad- but it will build Mummy up- how could your sister be Baptized without recognising and honouring her big brother? All the other siblings get to go up to the front with the Mummies and Daddies. We'll just get to talk about you.
Charlotte will be in her white dress, a family gown-- one that has been in my possession for a long time- waiting for you to be Baptized in- but we didn't have time to get it- and I didn't want to spend any moment of the few hours I had left with you in the car driving to get a silly gown!
However, you were in a blue gown, made by a volunteer at the hospital- and you were wrapped in a knitted green blanket. A blanket that I Cherish beyond belief. If you don't mind... Charlotte will be wrapped in the same blanket for her Baptism.. and any babies that might creep there way into our lives from now on- they will too.
I hope that's ok with you. It's one of the few things that they can share with you, that can be the same.. It's one of the only things we can do the same with ALL of our children. and I cherish that.

I love you Noah.
Tomorrow will be hard. Tomorrow will be about your sister- but only a few will know-how much- it is really- about you too.

I love you forever,

The water trickled down your beautiful face
becoming more pale as the sun went down

wrapped in green, your beauty shone
Mummy and Daddy holding you, 

We told you it was ok
You could say goodbye

It was the only thing we could do for you
The only thing we had left

We could take away your pain, your fear, your sadness
By letting you go

We took on the pain, the fear, the sadness
Because it as the only thing we could do
the only thing we had left
all we had to give. 

March 20 2010

Friday, March 12, 2010

I. love. you.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Heartbeat Bear

Hi Baby Noah,

I haven't written you a little note in a while- sorry about that!
Mummy and Daddy and Charlotte just got back from a trip to Newfoundland to visit Poppy and Grandma.
We had fun there.. but we missed you too.

While I was there I took some pictures of your heartbeat bear! I don't know if you remember... when for about 1 hr, you were annoyed by the ultrasound technition trying to get good pictures of you.. well during that time, they recorded your heartbeat onto a little thing- and we put it inside a teddy bear, and gave one to each of your grandmothers. We did the same for Charlotte's Heartbeat.
One of your Grandma's, I think it afraid to touch your bear- just incase she sets the heartbeat off too often, and the battery wears out- it must be nice to hear your heart once in a while for them! I wish I had a bear.... I thought I was going to have the read thing. Your other Grandma sleeps with hers almost every night- the heartbeat still works, but the bear is getting a little worn looking- which is nice to see- I'm sure you see them snuggling with your bear! she even dressed them up in onsies that belonged to you!

We put the bears, your and charlotte's into my doll pram from when I was a little girl!
Here are some pictures!

Love you forever,