**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I should be....

Hello my beautiful boy,

I should be planning your 2nd birthday party festivities around now. Instead- I bought you a little balloon for your tree. woohoo.... (sense the sarcasm... do you get sarcasm at 2... probably not!).
I wish you were here, jumping around, entertaining your sister, telling me all about the stuff you want for your birthday, like a tricycle, trucks and a trampoline. Maybe you'd  be excited about having a dumptruck cake, or maybe you'd want an animal cake... would you  like chocolate or vanilla? Would be be going to Kingston for easter with it being so close to your birthday? Would you and Daddy celebrate your birthdays together in style?

Oh baby boy.. how I wish I knew the answers- and not only just knew the answers- but could experience the answers.

Next Tuesday you should have been two. A two year old little boy who is more loved than so many... a two year old boy who I will never get to see again.. A two year old boy, who makes this twenty-eight year old girl fall to her knees in desperation. How could this happen to you?

I"ll write you again closer to your birthday my baby bear.
I love you forever,