**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Missing my boys

Hi Baby bear,

I miss you a lot right now.. your sister is having a nap, and Casey wants to go for a walk, but he's going to have to settle for the backyard right now.
Daddy is away right now- he is in Niagara Falls for meetings over the next few days. It's the first time I've been alone with your sister, it will be the first time I've been alone this long since before you were born.

I miss you
your soft hair
the nape of your neck
I miss you

I love you
your wrinkly feet
your long piano fingers
I love you

I need you
your big brown eyes
and little button nose
I need you

I miss you
my only son
my forever joy
I miss you

I miss both my boys right now- luckily, I know Matt is coming home, unluckily, my baby boy is not.

this is the only picture we have of daddy and you.... we thought we'd have a lot more time. This was taken about 1 hour after you were born, on the night of April 6th 2008.... oh, to have that day back... what Mummy would do. 

Love you forever,

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hope Collage

Hi Noah,

Jenna's mommy Franchesca graciously does these name collages for babies who have died.
She asks mommies to list a few words that a special, and puts them together to make a beautiful 'Hope Collage'.
Here are yours!

Aren't they beautiful! It's just so hard to think of SOME words that remind me of you, or that I think of when I think of you... everything reminds me of you... the words could have been things like.... blue, table, bath, t-shirt, blanket...... literally, everything reminds me of you.. so I just picked what came to my mind, about the specialness of you (is specialness a word?... it should be!).  I love them! Thanks Franchesca!

I love you forever... and ever, and ever

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Valentines Boy!

Hello My Valentine Boy,

It's Valentine's day today. This would be your second valentines day, and I just know you would be giving Mummy lots of hugs and kisses today if you were with me!
Consider yourself hugged and kissed wherever you are today. You are my Valentine boy! Always and forever!

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow made you your very own Valentine Virtual Chocolate! YUMMY!

Isn't that thoughtful?!

Happy Valentines day my beautiful, precious son. 
I love you forever, 

Friday, February 12, 2010

Can you see the flame from where you are?

Hi Noah Bear,

Today is the beginning of the Olympic games... Mummy LOVES the olympics, for some reason I am obsessed. I was a figure skater for much of my life, and had childhood dreams of being an olympian... of course, that didn't happen- but the Olympics are still soo, soo exciting to Mummy.
It's a little sad this year though. There is an Olympic t-shirt, all the way from Vancouver, bought about 3 years a go when Gramma and Poppy were visiting Vancouver. It's ready for you to wear- but you are not here to wear it.  That makes Mummy a bit sad.
Sure, your sister can wear it- although it will be more like a dress on her, since it was bought for someone who was supposed to be almost 2.
Everything tends to be bittersweet now.. this 'new' life of mine is just so different that I thought it would have been, 2 years ago when I was robustly pregnant with you. Oh how I thought things would be perfect, that innocent, ignorance of pregnancy was surrounding me... a happy time, with darkness waiting in the wings.

As I watch the olympics this year- I will think of you
can you see the flame from heaven?
can you feel the excitement from where you are?
oH- how I wish you were here- and I was teaching you all about the different sports, and athletes.... Oh how I wish you were here, to cuddle on the couch and watch the games with daddy and I.  Oh how I wish, I wish, I wish....
You will always be my boy, our boy.... probably our only boy... definitely our first boy...

I love you forever,

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Us, minus you

Hi Baby boy,

We miss you... we miss you a lot. A lot doesn't really even cut it actually... it's more than that.
Now it's just us, your family, minus you.
here we are

I love you forever, 
here we are