**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Noah- Mummy loves you so much
Christmas will never be the same without you. I hate that you can't be here, but I do love that I can see you in your sister's beautiful eyes.
We go to Kingston on Saturday to visit Grammie and Grampie- we will take Charlotte to see your spot, and take a picture with  her, and your big stone. Hope that's ok with you

I hope you get all the candy canes, pressies and hot chocolate that you want!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Love you..... forever


Mummy

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Milton

Look Noah- Your froggy, Milton got his picture taken by a photographer!!!



Isn't he cute !!




here is your sister, with Milton, your froggy, and her lamby named Lily




Here is your sister all wrapped up in your blanky... it's probably the only time I will let her touch it!

Isn't she cute?? she looks just like you!

I love you forever,
Mummy

Photos by Hope Hanson www.h2photo.ca Charlotte, 1 week old November 24th, 2009

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Kisses

Noah Bear,

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.... x infinity.

I love you baby bear. I miss you so much. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish I could feed you, keep you safe, put you to bed at night and sign you lullabys.
But for now... I can't.
I love you  forever,
Mummy

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Who's Who?








Hi Noah- Look how much you and your sister look alike!! 
She's much more 'girly' of course- but the similarities are CRAZY! 

Just wanted to show you your little sister, and tell you thanks for sending her to look so much like you. It's comforting in many, many ways!

Love you forever, 
Mummy

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sister

Hi Baby boy,
Guess what- You officially have a little baby sister! Oh, How I wish I could have seen your face when you saw her for the first time.  She is beautiful- and looks a lot like you!
we are at home now. Charlotte is using a lot of your stuff, like some of your clothes, your blankies, your crib, your bibs. It's hard sometimes to see her use it- but it's good to. I know you would love your sister, and want everything for her that you would have had.

My letters may become short now sometimes... your sister eats a lot, and crys sometimes- so I don't have a lot of computer time anymore!

I love you forever my precious baby boy,

Mummy

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Going to have your baby sister now!
Wish me luck
Love you forever,
Mummy

Friday, November 13, 2009

Do you see her?

Hello Noah Bear,

4 sleeps until your new baby sister is born. Are you excited? Do you already know what she looks like? How big she'll be? I bet you do! Mummy is excited to find out all that stuff, and excited to know that she is safe.
Do you know if she will be safe?

Mummy doesn't have a lot to do in the next few days- Gramma is here, and she is making Mummy lots of stuff for her freezer, just like she did before you were born.  I do hope the next 4 days go fast. Mummy is finding it hard to sleep- I've been waking up in the middle of the night and having a bath- just to change positions. You used to love when Mummy took baths! Do you remember?

I love you Noah. I have no idea what life will bring after your sister is born, so I have no idea how much I will write to you- maybe more, maybe less, maybe the same amount. Either way, I know you know even when I don't write to you- every second I am thinking of you.

I love you forever,
Mummy

Friday, November 6, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting- October

http://thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/ 
Are you a bereaved parent- become part of the secret garden meeting.  every month there is a question, or series of questions to write and think about. 


Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?


It's been 19 months, today since Noah was born. A beautiful little boy- we were so in awe, I didn't know I was able to feel such love and adoration.  But I did. Those first 24 hours were so 'normal', so wonderful, so surreal. Then, he became sick, and my world came crashing down around me.. he died within 24 hours.  19 Months later- I am doing ok most  days... if you ask friends who see me often they'd probably say Noah has changed me, but that I am fine. I am... sometimes, but I don't show when I'm not to my friends.... I don't want to hurt them, or make them sad.  I still go through moments of intense anger, sadness, denial, guilt, anxiety... moments when I am not sure that I can take it anymore, moments when I'm not sure how I got where I am... moments I"m not sure I want to be me. I think I will always have these moments... I expect it is normal?
I am 11 days away from delivering my subsequent baby, Charlotte.. a sister for Noah. It's a strange feeling. Everyone around me is so, so happy for me- that I will have a chance to 'mother' again. And so am I... but I don't think others always understand that my future is not going to be like every other mothers future.. when Charlotte cries- I am going to wonder what is wrong, when she spits up, I am going to wonder why- and if she is suffering from the same thing Noah did, when she has her first bath at home, part of me will feel sadness because Noah didn't ever get to do this, when she spends time in her crib, I will have this same feeling... it's Noahs crib, Noah's tub, Noah's high chair, Noah's bouncy chair- but Noah didn't get to use it. It will be bittersweet- I am goingto be sooo happy, I know it- but there will always be that feeling of I WISH, I WONDER... I think that is what some people don't get.  Some may think I am nuts if I randomly start crying when Charlotte does something different, or something for the first, second, third, twentyth time.... but it won't be random to me!
In terms of grief- I think I will be ok.. I have a wonderful supportive husband, and for the most part my family gets it.  My future holds some intense happiness (which I couldn't see until just a few months ago), and will forever hold that sadness- because a part of my heart is gone, and my family will never be whole here on earth-and that hurts more than most can imagine. 


Did I actually answer the question? I'm not sure! 


Noah Bear, 
I love you sweet monkey.  I miss your sweet face.
I love you forever, 
Mummy

Sunday, November 1, 2009

g-rafs






muah! love you
I forgot to show you the pictures of the g-rafs from the zoo
thought i'd show you now!
kisses, kisses and more kisses!
love you forever,
mummy

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cole and Breanna have new brothers!

Hi baby Boy!

You know those little tiny twins you play with in the stars- well, there Mummy and Daddy had  new brothers on Sunday! There names are Reece and Matthew. The are very tiny, and came a little too early- but so far- they are doing ok. Send down some wonderful vibes for them and their parents please!

it will be nice to have two more friends for your sister!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Monday, October 26, 2009

kisses

MUAH- that's a big, huge kiss for my little bear.
I love you Noah.... I love you more than I ever thought was possible to love anyone.
Love you forever, 
Mummy

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Mummy for the 2nd time

Good morning my little man, 

Mummy is sitting downstairs on this Sunday morning- the TV isn't plugged in, because Daddy has been busy this weekend doing the baseboards- Daddy is still sleeping right now- the kitties are walking around, and your Casey -dog is upstairs with Daddy getting as much sleep as he can. 
In some ways- it is nice to be down here alone- just talking to you- reading other people's blogs, listening to the sounds of cars passing by the street, and the furnace kick in and out. but in some ways- it is so sad... if you were here- you'd be 18 months old- my guess is that you would be up and I wouldn't be on this darn computer- I'd be playing with you, making you breaky, taking your dog for a walk with you- bundling you up to go to the park- or making fun plans on how to wake up daddy- i figure tickles and hugs work best! 
All of these 'ifs' that won't even happen. 
It will be weird to be a mum again.. I know I am your Mummy, and I wll always be your Mummy.. but people here on earth, especially ones who don't know me, or who don't get this life at all- they don't get that I am already a Mummy.  It will be hard for me, Noah, to raise your sister- knowing that she is my second beautiful baby- but also doing everything for the first time- other than the stuff that happens in the first two days. I have a child- but.. I've never brought one home... this will be very emotional for Mummy.. I'm pretty sure she won't know what to do with herself!!I know Charlotte will be a girl, and she will be different than you- BUT.. everything will remind me of you, my guess is, even more than it does now.. she will have her own beautiful smell, as you did- but holding her will remind me of you, all the things I will hopefully get to do with her will remind me of what I didn't get to do with you. 
Others are so excited about your sister- and don't' worry- so am I!!  but- I think so many are so excited because having Charlotte will 'bring my joy back', or 'make me happy again', or 'help me get through life without you'..... none of this will happen without my 'Cherry on top'  (that's you by the way!).Sure Mummy will be happy, she is now a lot of the time, you know that... but having Charlotte will not change anything about how I feel about you, how I miss you, or how I love you. I guess people will be happy that life around me will be less awkward for them... less talking about a dead child - no one wants to talk about that, now really- because there will be someone else to talk about... less awkwardness when deciding whether or not I get invited to a baby shower, less awkwardness when they are around me and I get asked how many children I have, or if this is my first pregnancy, less awkwardness altogether. They can call me a Mum without second guessing themselves, they can talk about their babies and children without feeling guarded and wondering if I am going to break down in tears, or how I am feeling inside.
little do they know- yes, it's less awkward perhaps for them- but I will get these questions and comments my entire life 'how many children do you have', 'which pregnancy is this', 'who is that child in the picture', 'why  is there a Noah on your family tree as your son? where is he?'...Charlotte will get these same questions- and over time- she will learn her own way of answering them, in a way that helps her deal with not having her older brother, in a way that helps her get through life with as much happiness yet, contentness as possible. 

It's hard having you there, and me here in the silence of our house.. it's your house to you know.
It's just hard- sometimes I hate the universe and everything that comes with it. 
Going from 26.5 pretty much perfect years to this is hard... so hard... a challenge I wasn't ready for, and was unwilling to be ready for- one that I had no choice but to accept.  I'm sorry it was you.. I'm sorry I lost you.. I'm sorry you are not here with Mummy making a plan to wake up Daddy.. I'm sorry you won't get to see your little sister grow up and be here with her as she does, I'm sorry your life was so short. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry... Mummy doesn't know what else to say anymore- I know your death wasn't my fault- but...who else is there to say they are sorry- Mummy's are supposed to make everything better..everything right.. I"m sorry I'll never be able to do that for you. 

I love you Noah- more than life itself... I will always love you- no matter what else happens in my life. 
Where ever you are, or are not- I hope you can at the very least feel the love I have for you.  

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Love you forever, 
Mummy

Friday, October 9, 2009

Turkey day

Happy Thanksgiving baby boy!

Hope Nanny makes you a wonderful turkey up there with lots of yummy stuffing! That's mummy's favourite part! don't forget to eat your veggies too though!

Love you.. we will be at Grammies.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Big Brother duties

Hi Baby boy,

Well.. your little sister is on her way very soon, you must be excited! I can only imagine how excited you would have been if you were here... kissing mummy's tummy, and wanting to buy stuff for your Charlotte.
I've been thinking a lot lately about older brothers.  I  had your uncle Peter when I was little- he was a great big brother- he read to me, played with me, helped change my diapers- then, when I got a bit older- he made me feel safe at school, he threatened kids who bullied me, he comforted me at my granddaddies funerals... sure- he was sometimes a big brat- and did some annoying things too.. but he was there- a big brother protector for his little sister- whom he loved, and still loves.
I'm sad sometimes that you will not be able to do all that for Charlotte- she will have an older brother- obviously- who loves her from afar and will protect her from afar- but what about the bullies, and the kids who throw rocks at her, and her first day of kindergarten... what about the diaper changing and reading... what about the long talk- and even the annoying brat like behaviour of beheading Barbie dolls... I'm sad that you and her will miss all that... she has a big brother.. but an 'invisible' big brother.. a big brother, who will not be seen by others- only talked about with the highest of praise- because of course- you are perfect- you never had a chance to do wrong.... .. I hope it won't be too hard for Charlotte... having a big brother.. but not.. all at the same time.. I know it is hard for some younger siblings that I have met, whose only sibling had passed away.  I imagine there will be times when she just wishes we didn't have to talk about you and you could just be here... those times are constant for Mummy.

Anyway... that's been on my mind a lot latly... big brother duty.. and how it will be so different for her than it was for me, and than it is for most others.
I'm sorry you aren't here to be a wonderful, bratty, annoying and protective big brother.. I'm sorry that's been taken from you.
Protect her from a far..

Love you forever,
Mummy

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Blog change

Charlotte's BlogI've just realized that Charlotte's blog is now hard to get to. Before, we thought her name would start with an N, but it didn't end up that way.. mostly because we couldn't agree on one.. anyway. I've changed the name of the URL because it didn't make sense for charlotte. It seems that it is now hard for those of you who were following that blog as well to find her blog. just incase- the new URL is cherishingcharlotte.blogspot.com  ... hope you find it ok. if not, let me know!

Jane

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I love you, I'm sad that you're not here, but I'm glad you are you.
as so many say 'I'm the luckiest unlucky girl I know'

Love you forever,
Mummy

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I wish

Hi Baby boy..

I miss you.. I always will.. I wish this was all just a bad dream.. I wish that I could have you back to stay..I wish, I wish, I wish.... I wish doesn't even seem like the right word.. it's more than a wish- it's a need.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Morning

Good Morning Little Man,

Daddy and I went to visit Kingston on the weekend, so we went to the cemetery to visit your site as well. There is a chipmunk living under your flowers- I bet you'd love chipmunks!
Grammie doesn't like them though- they scare her everytime!

Just wanted to let you know that I love you, and I wanted to say Hello, and Good morning.
This is Mummy's first day at work with the kids for this school year- hopefully it goes well.

I love you Noah- I wish you were here with Daddy and I.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Friday, August 28, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

I've been given an Honest Scrap award by Akul's Mama , at http://aajaakul.blogspot.com/ . Thanks!

"This award is for
bloggers who post from their heart, those who write from the depths of their soul."

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other
bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following
bloggers:
Beth -
http://stillmybabykatie.blogspot.com/



10 honest things about me:

1. I am much less 'OK' than most people in my daily life think I am. For some reason I portray this image of a strong, 'with it', 'together' woman-- people do'nt realize that I'm not.

2. I wish I were younger- even though I am already young- I wanted to be finished having my children by now- and to the world, I am just beginning.

3. I don't dream about Noah- but I wish I did

4. I secretly love reality TV!... I know, I know!

5. My last truly happy day was April 7th 2008. I have come to grips with the fact that none of my days will ever be this happy, as I will never have my complete family here with me. I will never be truly complete here on earth without Noah.

6. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor... now, I'm terrified of them, and nurses, and hospitals, and any opinion they may have.

7. I could work harder at my job.

8. The past 17 months has felt so long, yet has also been a blur- which I can't escape from.

9. I hate when people ask me 'how are you feeling', in regards to the pregnancy, and then say things like 'How have the ultrasounds been', I say.. 'fine' they say, 'well, you have nothing to worrry about then- you will have a healthy baby'. It makes me want to shake them and say- Noah was thought to be 'healthy' until about 12 hours before he died in my arms.

10. blogging helps me grieve- it helps me think- it helps me be me- somewhere where people understand what it might be like to be me- somewhere where speaking of a dead baby is not taboo, and is not reacted to by turning away in awkwardness. Thank you all for that.

Well, That's that.
happy blogging everyone



Hello Baby Noah,
Another one of those blog posts that isn't a letter to you- must be confusing sometimes! But you're a smart boy, you'll figure it out!
Gramma and Grampy arrive today with Auntie Kristin.
I wish you were here to see them,
Love you forever,
Mummy




Thursday, August 27, 2009


Goodnight my beautiful prince...

Love you forever,
Mummy

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Beauty

Hi Baby boy-

I hope wherever you are- you are told how beautiful you are.
I was thinking about that last night... it's so sad how many people didn't get to see your beauty, your handsomness, your absolute purity and innocence that pictures just can't grasp. The life that was in you in your short life was more than some adults have in their long number of years- you were full of life, full of wonder, full of beauty- your eyes were big- as if you knew you had to open them wide to see all you could see before you were gone.... such a beauty
I was one of the lucky few to see such beauty.
Just thought I'd let you know...
I love you forever,
Mummy

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Your tree

Hi Monkey,

The other day, Daddy and I placed a geocache by your tree!
It's name is 'Noah's Cache'
So now, people, whoever else plays the game, and goes to find it- will also find your tree- and be able to stop for a moment and realize how special you are!
We hid it under the green frog that used to be in our garden- it has a hole in its bum- so we hid it in there! he he he.
for those of you who don't know what geocaching is- it is a wonderful family activity that is like a scavenger hunt all over the world. All you need is the internet, and a cheap GPS ( www.geocaching.com )

Just thought i'd let you know- lots of people have already found it!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Friday, August 21, 2009

Good Day

Hi baby boy,

Mummy just wanted to let you know that she is having a good day down here! I'm a little bored being off work.. but like it better than working, so I can't complain!

I hope you are having a good day too. I love you. I miss you

Love you forever,
Mummy

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hope

Dearest Boy,

Today I'm thinking alot about hope... Hope- as in, hope for our future as your family, and Hope- as in, a wonderful women I know's little girl, whose 1st birthday it is in heaven.

I remember your first birthday- it was so hard for Mummy and Daddy, mostly the lead up to it was hard, because I didn't know how I was going to deal with it.. and you know Mummy... always needing to be prepared. But, how can you prepare for the loss of your child, your first child, after a wonderful pregnancy.. like you, my Noah, and Sally and Simon's Hope.

Today will be a hard day for Hope's Mummy and Daddy too.. everyday is a hard day for someone whose lost a child- but the first birthday- that's the toughest so far.

I miss you Noah, I wish you were here to see Mummy's tummy growing because of your baby sister- I wish you were here to help us pick out some clothes for her, and to come to the hospital to see her when she is born... I wish, I wish, I wish... these wishes will never be granted.

I wish noone else would ever lose a child-- this wish can never be granted either.
I wish Hope's parents and the little, beautiful little boy growing inside her Mummy's tummy find peace today, some solace from the ongoing storm of grief, and some comfort that they have a beautiful daughter watching over them, knowing that she is loved. I hope this wish is granted.

Love you forever,
Mummy


Saturday, August 15, 2009

we're back!

Daddy and Casey
Mummy and Charlotte
Your name in the sand in the evening
the froggy that came to visit us!
the geese flying by!

Hi Baby Boy,

Cottage was great fun for Daddy and I, and Casey! Casey puppy learned how to swim!!! I'm going to upload some pictures, and maybe even a video for you!
Love you forever,
Mummy
video

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Hi Monkey,

Well sweet darling boy, Daddy and I are going away for a little while. We have booked a cottage up North where I don't think there will be any internet service, and even if there is- I need a break.
I know I don't write religiously every week anyway- but, just in case you miss me, you know where I am.

Daddy and I plan to relax, go in the canoe, sit by the fire, cuddle lots- all these things we would have done with you this year too.. you would fit in a life jacket by now, and could go out canoeing with Daddy and I and your puppy Casey. I wish you were here..... I wish Daddy had gotten the chance to teach you about fires, and canoeing. He loves you so much.

We;ll be back next week. Don't forget how much we love and miss you my sweet, sweet boy. You are so loved- and although all I have are pictures and memories-- I love you more each day-- even without seeing your growing, beautiful, happy face that you would have right now if you were with me.. more each day.

I love you forever,
Mummy

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Hi




I love you forever,


Mummy


Friday, July 31, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting- Formerly- Under the Tree

Hi Baby Boy, Remember.. each month Mummy does this theraputic writing from http://www.thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/ - Don't worry, another little letter will come soon!

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?


I've been thinking about this a lot latly. So many people see their baby/ies as angels... I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure what I think. it changes really. I see him as safe, or at least I hope he is safe. In a way he is here.. in me.. in everything I do.. in everything Matt and I do. I think he will be in Charlotte (currently in my belly!), although she will never get the chance to meet her big brother.. he will be in her, living through her, her life, her heaAlign Rightlth, her happiness and times with us. Even if she doesn't know it, he'll be there. so really, it's hard to explain... I don't know where I imagine Noah.. maybe I don't want to imagine him anywhere else but where he should be.. safe, in my arms, in his daddies arms, in his beautiful crib, in his room made just for him. Maybe that's why I have no idea where I imagine him. All I know is- I'm living, and somehow- I am trying my best to have him live with me in my heart. To many this may sound absolutly mad.. to others.. those who have lost their precious children... you may just
know exactly what I mean.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Well, at first I didn't think it would change much- sure, I'd be anxious. But, Noah's pregnancy was wonderful (which I am very happy about now). I felt the best I have ever felt! I lvoed being pregnant- all those 'bad' and 'scary' feelings I once had were gone, I was so happy, mentally, emotionally and physically.. I could have been pregnant forever. until the end when I was quite physically daunting!. The birth was pretty much as expected.. I had a c-section after being overdue 2 weeks, and 3 failed inductions- but I expected a section.. not sure why, I just did.
SO the birth of Charlotte (I am currently 23 weeks pregnant), will be similar, a c-section, however a scheduled one, at 38 or 39 weeks.
But this pregnancy.. oh boy! I do feel good, I feel great actually. BUT it's hard. I don't have a good 'after birth' experience.. my heart knows-- you go to the hospital, have a baby ( a beautiful one), you feel the most intense love you have ever felt in your life, then.. it's gone.. no, not the love- with the physical existance of your son, no more cuddles, no more kisses, no more beautiful eyes looking up at me from my breasts.. nothing. So, if that's my experience- that's what I know.. then it's sort of what I expect. Don't get me know- I am quite a realistic person- and realize that this probably, more than likly, WON"T happen again (thank the lord!) - but it is what I know. You know? Again, people who haven't experienced this probably think I am realy for a mental hospital and need serious help! I think I'm doing fine.. and I'm sure those of you who 'get it', 'get it'... if you know what I mean.
Thanks for Listening!
Hey Munkin.. I love you tons and tons.. you're the best baby boy a Mummy could have!
Love you forever,
Mummy

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Promised!

Hi Munchkin Bear!
Well, Mummy is feeling a little better today- not that I don't miss you- but I got lots of sleep last night LOTS.. almost too much actually :) I guess I need to get all the sleep in that I can before your sister comes!

Only 3 more days of work left for Mummy before she has a full month off of work YAY!
It will be nice to rest, and relax!

I hope you're safe and warm, whereever you are
I love you, I love you, I love you forever,
Mummy

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sorry for this little rant.. you'll forgive me right? Next time a sweet letter- promise!

Hi Baby Boy,




We've officially named your baby sister! Her name will be Charlotte!


I think she even looks like a Charlotte in her ultrasound picture.


How are you? Can you feel it? Feel that people are thinking of you less latly?? Not Daddy and I of course- but others? I can feel it... with Charlotte on the way... this new hope- which beleive me, is a good thing-- I feel like some people just expect us to forget about you, or assume that we are completly over our loss... OVER YOU... NEVER. I think being pregnant brings up emotions all over again, and different ones. Others see my growing belly, glowing face and 'happy' smile, and think all is right in the world again.


All is ok in the world.. but it will never be right.. not without you. how could it? You deserved to live a long, full, healthy life. You didn't deserve to have a big scary surgery before you were 48 hours old. You didn't deserve to be attached to those terrible machines to help you breath while we were hugging, kissing, talking and singing goodbye to you. You didn't deserve any of that.. none of it. But you got it. you got it all... all of that.. and you didn't even get to stay. You were a fighter but not a survivor.. noone hears those stories in the news.




I guess people don't really get that Yes, I am pregnant again, yes, I am happy, and healthy... but Yes... I still grieve my son, I long for my son, I miss my son, I need my son, I think about my son all of the time, I don't walk a step without having the weight of the world on my shoulders- the anger, guilt, stress, hurt, pain, grieve and love for a boy who didn't get his chance to shine like the others of the world. Now... carry a pregnancy with that on your mind.... would it be the same as every other pregnancy? Would it be a wonderful experience? Would it take away all your worries? Would it keep you from spiriling down into a dark hole? Would it help your grieve.... No. People don't see it, or want to think about it. but it's my reality.


Would I take back knowing you for those 2 days.. never, not in a million years- but I would like people to understand.. I know they can't, not unless they've been through a similar experience- and I don't wish that on anyone, not an enemy, not a terrible person.




Noah, I'm sorry for speaking like this in your letter.. but as I've said before- if you were here with me, I wouldn't be speaking like this!! My goodness- those are adult words- adult words that I probably wouldn't have the guts to say face to face to people. But I know you don't mind what Mummy says. I know that you know it all already- you know the love I have for you, the love I will always have.


I'm looking at your picture- you have so much life in your eyes, so much colour in your skin, and so much love pouring out of that little face. Sometimes it still so hard for me to think about the fact that I will never see that face again. No more snuggles, no more cuddles... not even a kiss. I wish I could kiss you my love.. I need to.. but I can't.. I never will.. and it nearly kills me everyday.


I love you, I love you, I love you.... forever,




Love, Mummy




Friday, July 17, 2009

Hi

I love you my boy. I miss you a lot today. Wish you were here enjoying the summer with Daddy and I.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Friday, July 10, 2009

How do you feel about a little sister???

Hello little man!

Well my precious boy, Daddy and I found out yesterday that you are going to have a litle baby sister!! I'm sure that was your plan all along, you'd be the best big brother ever!
Don't worry though, even though she is a girl she will still get to wear a bunch of your clothes!! She will learn to like the colour blue I am sure!
We don't have a name for your sister yet. We like lots of names, but none of them really stand out yet as the right name for your little sister! She has big shoes to fill you know! If you think of a great one, send it to me please!

Well little one, I love you and Daddy does too.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Under the Tree- June (A little different!)

Each month, Carly from http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/ poses some questions to others, baby loss others, can reflect on and post on their blog, or in another way if they are non-bloggers.
This month- it's sort of a get to know you thing, rather than questions directly relating to our children and journey with grief.


Here goes June

Hair Color: Brown
Eye color: Brown
Profession: Teacher
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:

Favorite color: Yellow
Favorite movie: Grease and Mamma Mia
Favorite animal: Frog
Favorite store: The Grocery Store.. I know, weird
Favorite childhood memory: Family trip to Florida, Christmases growing up
Favourite hobby: Scrapbooking
Favorite song/singer: I don't really know.. depends on my mood
Favorite book/author: Ann Hood- The Knitting Circle
Favorite school subject: Sociology
Favorite vacation destination: Italy- but would love to make it to Hawaii
Favoritefood: Popcorn
Favorite restaurant: Lonestar

This or That

Coke or pepsi : Iced tea?? I don't like pop
Beer or wine: When I can drink- wine
Coffee or tea: Both are yucky!
Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ
Summer or Winter: Summer
Cats or dogs: Dogs
Salty or sweet: salty
Plane or boat: Plane
Morning or night: Morning
Money or love: Love
Breakfast ordinner: Both
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness
House or apartment: house


Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: Yes

Wished you were someone else: yes.
Cried during a movie: yes

Describe yourself in one word: Me
Biggest fear: losing another child
Biggest mistake: I don't even know- but I'm sure there's been many
Your proudest accomplishment: My Noah
Dream job: Mother
Special talents: nothing out of the ordinary
Where would you rather be at the moment: April 7 2008
Famous person you want to meet: The Queen
Song to be played at your funeral: I'll let my family decide that!


Well Noah bear- I love you!
Love you Forever,
Mummy


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Visits from Gramma and Poppy!

Hi Munchkin,

Today Gramma is coming to visit your daddy and I! We pick her up at the airport tonite. Poppy is coming on the weekend!
Mummy has a couple of weeks off work before summer school starts, so it will be nice to relax a bit!
We all miss you so much. I don't think Spring time will ever be the same again.
I love you my little man!
Love,
Mummy

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Love

HI Munchkin-Noodle!
This past few weeks I've missed you lots. I miss you always- but the past few weeks I have been extra missing you- I think it's probably because I've been off work, and have been a little extra worried about your brother or sister. I guess it's only natural to be worried about him or her.
It all feels so surreal- you were here, but now gone, it's been just about 14 months, I'm pregnant and got through the first trimester... this will probably be the very best, and very worst 2 years in my life, and daddy's too.

We had a yard sale yesterday- it was pretty good! Daddy loves yard sales- mostly because he gets to go around and look at everyone elses junk too! Your Daddy is great. and this time.. he actually didn't buy a thing- which is amazing!

Daddy and I are going to go get groceries now, so we can eat dinner!
I love you Noah- thanks for looking down on us, I hope you are proud of us.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Friday, May 15, 2009

Pictures
















Hi Noah- It's been a long time since we were there, but daddy and I, and Grammie and Grammpie went to Niagara falls during the winter. We saw a beautiful rainbow, and I've been meaning to show you.
Love you
Mummy





Hi Munchkin

Hi Munchin-Monkey,

Mummy is very bored today. She has to be home so that she doesn't get your brother or sister sick from a little illness that is happening at her work.

I think in a few minutes I am going to get some flowers for your garden, and for the front gardens! I usually do that with daddy, but he is so busy at work because it is the Friday before a long weekend. Are there flowers in heaven baby boy? I hope so, I think you'd love them!

Love you forever and ever and ever,
Mummy

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day?

Hi Monkey,

Today is Mother's Day... The second one since I've known and loved you.
I know you consider me a Mother- which makes me so happy- I just wish you were here, so you and daddy could do regular Mother's day stuff with me. It's such an awkward day now that you're gone, and not many know I am pregnant with your little sibling.
Not many people acknowledge that I'm a mother anymore- I think most try to avoid the subject altogether. I know they don't try to hurt me- they just don't know what to say- noone knows what to say-- not even daddy sometimes.

Please know that I am your Mummy.. and I love you just as much as I will love the rest of my children. Everyday- whether Mother's day or not- I think of you, I wish for you, I need you. This will never change.
Thank you for making me a Mummy. Whether anyone else cares/knows/acknowledges it or not- We will always have that- Just us- you're my first baby- and you made me a mother. Thank you!
I love you forever,
Mummy

Thursday, May 7, 2009

miss you

I miss you so much right now... it's amazing how these feelings can come flooding back in a heartbeat... I want you here, with me.
Love you forever,
Mummy

oops!

Hi Munchkin!
Just like when i was pregnant with you- I now have pregnancy brain again!
I told you Cole and Breanna's birthday was Saturday and Sunday- but I was wrong, it was Sunday and Monday!!!! Apparently Mummy can't read a calendar! hahaha

I'm sure you knew that, and were just letting me be wrong :)

Love you- Hope you party in heaven with all your friends was fun! sorry I missed it.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Friday, May 1, 2009

May

Well Munchkin, today is May 1st.
The beginning of another month without you.
I used to love the beginning of new months.. but now, thye hurt a little.

Tomorrow and Sunday it is Cole and Breanna's birthdays. Have a big party for them in heaven ok?? There mummy and daddy would like that!

Just writing to say I love you, although I hope you know that!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Under the Tree - April


Carly, at scarlettriver26.blogspot.com posted new Under the Tree questions for April! These are great, they help me think about things that I may not have thought a lot about before- or put words in writing to things that I think about all the time!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 1 year and 3 weeks since we said hello, and goodbye to our Noah. My grief has changed a lot in the past year. At first, I think I was so numb that I couldn't feel anything- I think it was my body protecting itself from the immense pain, something i'd never had to deal with before. Then, last May/June it hit me.. my son was gone. My first born child would never grow up- he would never ride a bike, use the potty, do a spelling test, say 'Mamma'.. nothing. I had lost him forever- a part of my future was gone.

Although my grief has changed a lot since then, I still feel the same, and go through waves of feeling completly sorry for myself, and sorry for Noah that he doesn't get to live the life I had planned for him.

I think in many ways grief has become easier as time has passed. It has changed me in so many ways. I am not able to look back, and reflect on the ways that Noah's little life has impacted me, and my family in a big way.. and that makes me happy. I feel like in a terrible, unwanted situation, I have done things as right as I could- we remember Noah, we speak of him fondly, we have things in place so that Noah will be remembered, hopefully forever. These things have made me be able to be ok in the place where I am. I, of course, still wish this had never happened, I wish this would never happen to anyway.. but I am stronger because of it- heck, I can handle anything now. Noah was taught me so much.. about the world, about love, about life, about passion, and about hope.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

At first, it almost killed me.. I wanted to rush over to them and say.. be careful- all may be well, but you never know-- do all you can to make sure you have everything you need to rmember this baby, just incase s/he doesn't make it.. I didn't WANT to scare them, but I felt I had to. Of course, I never did do this, I just usually tried not to look- tried to get myself out of the situation. For me, even harder than seeing pregnant women was seeing little baby boys.

When I was TTC seeing pregnant people was like a 'kick in the face'.. why couldn't I be them, I went through this hell, and I can't even get pregnant easily.. where is the justice??

Now, that I am pregnant (although still very early, and very scary), it doesn't hurt quite as much to see pregnant people.. altough it does still hurt a little. Perhaps once I get further along, and have the baby belly it will be easier to handle- because I know there is more of a chance of this baby coming home.

I think little baby boys, and pregnant women will always be hard.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

In many ways, my therapy has been my computer.. and the women I have met through it. I've learned that I am not alone, that I don't have to suffer in silence, and that there really are other people who actually really understand.

I didn't go to counselling, however I ddi attend a couple of meetings last spring for parents of lost babies, and I did attend a 8 week thing in the fall with Bereaved Families of Ontario. These all helped in small ways- but I wouldn't say they were a majoy cource of comfort.

Altough, the people I've met through these groups have been, for the most part, great.

Blogging helps me... I had never done it before we lost Noah_ i used to think it was silly! .. now, in a way, it's my lifeline! How things change!

Well Noah bear... I know these monthly Under the Tree posts aren't really letter to you- but they do help Mummy through this crazy life!!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Love

I love you Noah.
Mummy loves you so much.
Do I tell you that enough?
You are the most wonderful thing that has even happened to me.
You are a blessing.
Your death was so, so difficult- IS so, so difficult.
But your life- those 9 months inside me, those 2 days in my arms- that was a blessing.

I hope every child is as loved as you.

Love you forever

Mummy

Monday, April 13, 2009

Spring has Sprung

Hi Monkey,

Well, It's been Spring for a while now. but this week, it is actually starting to FEEL like Spring!
Some bulbs are coming up, the birdies are out, kids are playing outside, and the grass is looking a little bit more green!
Some of the bulbs that I put by your tree are coming up! I put ALOT down there in the Fall, but I'm pretty sure the squirel's had a little feast. SO far, we've got about 7 or 8 coming up! Better some than none I guess.

I miss you lots this week. It's Daddy's birthday tomorrow- I know he wishes so badly that you were here with us to celebrate his birthday! You could probably even have some icecream cake this year.. yummy!

It's amazing how far your Daddy and I have come in just one year. Last year, this week- I couldn't even open my eyes without feeling like I was torn apart inside- I could hardly speak, I thought I would never smile or laugh again. Then.. throughout this past year, even without you being here, you've taught us so much. Mummy can smile again (although it took a while). You've given us a reason for hope, a reason to keep going in this crazy, hard, pressing world. Keeping the memory of you alive, keeps us alive!
And, on top of everything, expecting your little brother or sister helps Mummy and Daddy to get through the weeks, days, and moments. Thanks for giving us that hope. I'm pretty sure you had a part in it.

Grandma and Poppy come on Wednesday, they were away for a while, and are now making their way back home. It will be nice to see them. I know they wish you were here, so they could snuggle you. I think it is so hard on your grandparents that you aren't here, especially when they come to visit. Your Daddy and I, we live here everyday- we live this life- without you in the house, with all your stuff around, all the time. They don't. ALthough your grandparents have things that remind them of you, I think it is different- and a little harder when they come here... it's an everyday reality for us. Something that unfortunatly, we've had to get used to... but beleive me, I'm never gonna like it.

Well munchkin- I am going to see your brother or sister today on an ultrasound machine.. He/She is soo so tiny still, that I don't think I'll be able to see much! But, it will be nice, and reassuring.

I love you forever,
Mummy

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Song for YOU!

Hi Munchkin,
I found a song today- a song I wish I found one year ago, tomorrow.. to play at your funeral.
It's a song that Mummy listened to a lot as a kid, I had the CD and everything.. but I never did REALLY listen to it.. I never did REALLY understand what it meant... I don't think anyone will understand it unless they lost a baby.. especially a Noah!

Apparently, this song was written by Michael W. Smith, about 10 years ago when a friend of his had a baby, named Noah, who died at 2 days old.... like you!!

I can't beleive that I didn't find this song until now..

Here are the lyrics!

Hello, Goodbye- Michael W. Smith

Where’s the navigator of your destiny?
Where is the dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and its brevity
cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don’t want to let go of you yet

Chorus:

Noah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while





I love you Noah.. I'm glad I found this song. If I could find a way to put it on here, in music I would.. but the place where I found the music player online and addedthe music to your blog letters doesn't have that song.. I guess it isn't too popular.

I love you forever,
Mummy

Monday, April 6, 2009

Happy Birthday Noah

Happy Birthday baby boy!!

Mummy and Daddy love you so much. I hope you know that, even if we can't tell you to your face everyday.
This year has been so hard-- so empty-- so lonely. But, today I choose to remember April 6th 2008- the very best day of my life- they day that you were born- and we were told that you were a perfectly healthy little boy. The day that I became a Mummy, and Daddy became a Daddy.
We love you Noah- I hope you know that.
I wish I could hug and kiss and snuggle you, especially today.

We put a birthday balloon by your tree, and by your stone.. hope you like them! I wish we were getting you fun toys, and big balloons and a yummy cake.. I wish you were here so it would feel more like a celebration.. I wish I knew what you would look like today, and what you'd be doing..
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I love you to the moon and back.
Love,
Mummy

Friday, March 27, 2009

Questions

Hi Monkey,

I was reading some blogs by other Mummies who have lost their babies.. and one of them asked me to answer these questions, so I will! http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/03/under-tree-march.html


Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

Everywhere in our home reminds me of Noah. But mostly- his room. It smells like fresh wood, and baby all mixed together. I love going in their, looking at all of the clothes, furniture, and wonderful things we had prepared for his arrival- not knowing that it would be so, so short. Matt (Noah's Dad) has just finished making a toy box which we are going to use for all of Noah's special stuff, like the clothes he wore, his important papers, the book I read at his funeral etc. On Noah's first birthday (April 6th 2009) we are going to go through all of his stuff and organize it into his toy box.
We have planted a tree for Noah, with a plaque, near our house... at Christmas time we decorate it for him!
Each June, PBSO (www.pbso.ca) has a butterfly release which we attend in memory of Noah.
We actually do a lot, every day in Noah's memory... my changed life is in Noah's memory really.. I would be a different person today if Noah never existed. In many way's, most ways, I am a better person because he was here.

.If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I beleive in Heaven, and sometimes, only sometimes, I think of Noah as an angel. Mostly I think of him as a baby. His beautiful, hairy self, at 2 days old.
I haven't recieved signs from Noah.. that I know of.. Or is it that I am not open to it, not able to bear it? I don't know. My dad (Noah's Poppy) feels Noah's presence often, which is wonderful to know.
I have dreamt very little in the past year- Noah hasn't visited me in my dreams.


Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

Almost every song reminds me somehow of Noah- literally.

I think the main songs would be

'The Dance' by Garth Brooks
'Slipped Away' by April Lavigne
'Precious Jewels'- an old church song that we sang at Noah's funeral service



I love you Noah... Doing this little question thing helped me.. weirdly enough.. I'd thought about all of these questions before, but had not written much about these topics.. Maybe there will be more to come.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Thanks!

Hi Baby boy!

Well... things are changing in your mummy and daddy's life.. and I think you probably had a hand in it!! Thanks for sending us a precious little gift... of a brother or sister for you!!
We just found out.. and it is still very early.. but we are hoping, that in the middle of November, we will be welcoming your brother or sister.. they will even get to stay in your room!!!!
Love you so much Noah... being pregnant reminds me of being pregnant with you.. which is sad, and happy!
I love you forever!!!!
Mummy

Thursday, March 5, 2009

march

Hi Baby Boy,
I can't beleive it is already March. In many ways this past 11 months has gone by so fast, in other ways it has gone by so slow. Depends on how I think about ti I guess.

This past few weeks have been extra hard. It's coming up to your 1st birthday, and I just don't know what to do with myself.. I want to be having a party- but I want YOU to be there.. not just a bunch of people who feel sorry for me. But I know that's impossible.

I wonder if anyone will remember your birthday? Anyone but me and your daddy, and probably your grandparents. I wish I could expect everyone too.. but I can't.

I love you Noah. as i see and smell the spring arrive, I think of you.. and things we should be doing to celebrate this time of year.
I hope it's warmer in heaven than it has been ehre the past few days
I love you to the moon and back

Mummy

Monday, February 9, 2009

Kisses

Kisses, Kisses, Kisses.

It's starting to warm up for Spring.
This would have been your first February and March. I wish I could see you smile at the birds, and play in the dirt.

I hope there's lots of dirt to play with in heaven!
Mummy and Daddy love you so much Noah.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Friday, January 30, 2009

Love you

Hi Monkey..
I Love you so much. I wish I could give you a big sqeeze, and a kiss on your little nose. I didn't get many cuddles from you, but boy, do I miss them! There's nothing like a Noah cuddle snuggle!

Mummy and Daddy are doing ok. We are busy with work, and Mummy has been at the clinic a lot latly.
We miss you so much... sometimes in the night, I think.. how did I do it... how did I get through that day without my Noah? How did I walk around, acting 'normal' and being productive? I didn't ever think i'd be able to.. I guess I can.. but it's so hard. Just a regular day takes so much more out of me than they used to.

Oh boy... life is tough without you my sweet, sweet boy.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Monday, January 19, 2009

Big time

Hi Noah... It's a big time in the world right now! We don't even live there, but our whole country is buzzing because of the new President of the USA. It's amazing that in mummy's life time this change will happen.. I hope it is a possitive change for America, and the world.
I wish you were here with us.

Mummy has been taking drugs latly, and they've made me feel a little sleepy, and grumpy. Poor Daddy has to put up with me!
We're trying to see if these drugs will make us be able to give you a little sibling.. we'll have to wait and see if all of t his stuff works.

I've missed you a lot these past few weeks. I remember last year this time, You were geting to big in my belly... I loved it! I loved being pregnant. I'm so glad I cherished that time with you. So glad.

Mummy and Daddy are going to get something to eat.
We love you soo, soooo, sooooooo much!

Mummy

Monday, January 12, 2009

Love

MUAH.. Big kisses for you!
I love you Noah.

Mummy

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

New year

Happy New Year baby boy... I love you!


Were there fireworks in heaven?

Well.. Mummy has to write lots and lots and lots of report cards now.. so I can't write long.. just letting you know that I love you, and even though life is very busy..... you are always on my mind.

Love you forever
Mummy