**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sorry for this little rant.. you'll forgive me right? Next time a sweet letter- promise!

Hi Baby Boy,

We've officially named your baby sister! Her name will be Charlotte!

I think she even looks like a Charlotte in her ultrasound picture.

How are you? Can you feel it? Feel that people are thinking of you less latly?? Not Daddy and I of course- but others? I can feel it... with Charlotte on the way... this new hope- which beleive me, is a good thing-- I feel like some people just expect us to forget about you, or assume that we are completly over our loss... OVER YOU... NEVER. I think being pregnant brings up emotions all over again, and different ones. Others see my growing belly, glowing face and 'happy' smile, and think all is right in the world again.

All is ok in the world.. but it will never be right.. not without you. how could it? You deserved to live a long, full, healthy life. You didn't deserve to have a big scary surgery before you were 48 hours old. You didn't deserve to be attached to those terrible machines to help you breath while we were hugging, kissing, talking and singing goodbye to you. You didn't deserve any of that.. none of it. But you got it. you got it all... all of that.. and you didn't even get to stay. You were a fighter but not a survivor.. noone hears those stories in the news.

I guess people don't really get that Yes, I am pregnant again, yes, I am happy, and healthy... but Yes... I still grieve my son, I long for my son, I miss my son, I need my son, I think about my son all of the time, I don't walk a step without having the weight of the world on my shoulders- the anger, guilt, stress, hurt, pain, grieve and love for a boy who didn't get his chance to shine like the others of the world. Now... carry a pregnancy with that on your mind.... would it be the same as every other pregnancy? Would it be a wonderful experience? Would it take away all your worries? Would it keep you from spiriling down into a dark hole? Would it help your grieve.... No. People don't see it, or want to think about it. but it's my reality.

Would I take back knowing you for those 2 days.. never, not in a million years- but I would like people to understand.. I know they can't, not unless they've been through a similar experience- and I don't wish that on anyone, not an enemy, not a terrible person.

Noah, I'm sorry for speaking like this in your letter.. but as I've said before- if you were here with me, I wouldn't be speaking like this!! My goodness- those are adult words- adult words that I probably wouldn't have the guts to say face to face to people. But I know you don't mind what Mummy says. I know that you know it all already- you know the love I have for you, the love I will always have.

I'm looking at your picture- you have so much life in your eyes, so much colour in your skin, and so much love pouring out of that little face. Sometimes it still so hard for me to think about the fact that I will never see that face again. No more snuggles, no more cuddles... not even a kiss. I wish I could kiss you my love.. I need to.. but I can't.. I never will.. and it nearly kills me everyday.

I love you, I love you, I love you.... forever,

Love, Mummy


Hope's Mama said...

Oh Jane, I hear you. Loud and clear.

Krista said...

I think a lot of people think of Noah, but don't talk about him to you. They're afraid they'll make you sad. So they focus on the good things in your life - Charlotte. They forget that Noah is also a good thing in your life.

But Wade and I think of him, and speak of him often. My mom and I talk about him often. She has told me that she thinks you won't enjoy this pregnancy as much as your first because of you wories. And she (and Wade & I) wishes you the very best for this pregnancy.

But we all know Noah will always be a part of your and Matts life.

dragonfly domain said...

*sniff* amen, I understand.
9 years after I have lost my son. and I still think about him every moment of everyday.

God Bless you and may he ease your heart!