**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting- Formerly- Under the Tree

Hi Baby Boy, Remember.. each month Mummy does this theraputic writing from http://www.thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/ - Don't worry, another little letter will come soon!

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I've been thinking about this a lot latly. So many people see their baby/ies as angels... I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure what I think. it changes really. I see him as safe, or at least I hope he is safe. In a way he is here.. in me.. in everything I do.. in everything Matt and I do. I think he will be in Charlotte (currently in my belly!), although she will never get the chance to meet her big brother.. he will be in her, living through her, her life, her heaAlign Rightlth, her happiness and times with us. Even if she doesn't know it, he'll be there. so really, it's hard to explain... I don't know where I imagine Noah.. maybe I don't want to imagine him anywhere else but where he should be.. safe, in my arms, in his daddies arms, in his beautiful crib, in his room made just for him. Maybe that's why I have no idea where I imagine him. All I know is- I'm living, and somehow- I am trying my best to have him live with me in my heart. To many this may sound absolutly mad.. to others.. those who have lost their precious children... you may just
know exactly what I mean.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Well, at first I didn't think it would change much- sure, I'd be anxious. But, Noah's pregnancy was wonderful (which I am very happy about now). I felt the best I have ever felt! I lvoed being pregnant- all those 'bad' and 'scary' feelings I once had were gone, I was so happy, mentally, emotionally and physically.. I could have been pregnant forever. until the end when I was quite physically daunting!. The birth was pretty much as expected.. I had a c-section after being overdue 2 weeks, and 3 failed inductions- but I expected a section.. not sure why, I just did.
SO the birth of Charlotte (I am currently 23 weeks pregnant), will be similar, a c-section, however a scheduled one, at 38 or 39 weeks.
But this pregnancy.. oh boy! I do feel good, I feel great actually. BUT it's hard. I don't have a good 'after birth' experience.. my heart knows-- you go to the hospital, have a baby ( a beautiful one), you feel the most intense love you have ever felt in your life, then.. it's gone.. no, not the love- with the physical existance of your son, no more cuddles, no more kisses, no more beautiful eyes looking up at me from my breasts.. nothing. So, if that's my experience- that's what I know.. then it's sort of what I expect. Don't get me know- I am quite a realistic person- and realize that this probably, more than likly, WON"T happen again (thank the lord!) - but it is what I know. You know? Again, people who haven't experienced this probably think I am realy for a mental hospital and need serious help! I think I'm doing fine.. and I'm sure those of you who 'get it', 'get it'... if you know what I mean.
Thanks for Listening!
Hey Munkin.. I love you tons and tons.. you're the best baby boy a Mummy could have!
Love you forever,


Tina said...

I understand Jane...

Laura said...

Thinking of you and wishing you the best in your current pregnancy!
Laura D.

Holly said...

I've don't picture my Carleigh as an angel at all. Although I will call her an angel as an endearing term.

I wish you the best with Charlotte!

Anonymous said...

I try to keep Iris living in my heart like you do for your sweet Noah.

Love and strength to you for your pregnancy with beautiful Charlotte.

Franchesca Cox said...

I get it. I really do. Thanks for sharing and being completely honest and open. I think it is wonderful how you are trying to keep Noah alive in your heart.

Sophie said...

I get it. Totally.


Catherine W said...

So beautiful, the thought that Noah will with his little sister. I think you are right.

I think we all try to keep our little ones alive in our hearts. xx

Sarah said...

beautiful xx