**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, March 27, 2009


Hi Monkey,

I was reading some blogs by other Mummies who have lost their babies.. and one of them asked me to answer these questions, so I will! http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/03/under-tree-march.html

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

Everywhere in our home reminds me of Noah. But mostly- his room. It smells like fresh wood, and baby all mixed together. I love going in their, looking at all of the clothes, furniture, and wonderful things we had prepared for his arrival- not knowing that it would be so, so short. Matt (Noah's Dad) has just finished making a toy box which we are going to use for all of Noah's special stuff, like the clothes he wore, his important papers, the book I read at his funeral etc. On Noah's first birthday (April 6th 2009) we are going to go through all of his stuff and organize it into his toy box.
We have planted a tree for Noah, with a plaque, near our house... at Christmas time we decorate it for him!
Each June, PBSO (www.pbso.ca) has a butterfly release which we attend in memory of Noah.
We actually do a lot, every day in Noah's memory... my changed life is in Noah's memory really.. I would be a different person today if Noah never existed. In many way's, most ways, I am a better person because he was here.

.If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I beleive in Heaven, and sometimes, only sometimes, I think of Noah as an angel. Mostly I think of him as a baby. His beautiful, hairy self, at 2 days old.
I haven't recieved signs from Noah.. that I know of.. Or is it that I am not open to it, not able to bear it? I don't know. My dad (Noah's Poppy) feels Noah's presence often, which is wonderful to know.
I have dreamt very little in the past year- Noah hasn't visited me in my dreams.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

Almost every song reminds me somehow of Noah- literally.

I think the main songs would be

'The Dance' by Garth Brooks
'Slipped Away' by April Lavigne
'Precious Jewels'- an old church song that we sang at Noah's funeral service

I love you Noah... Doing this little question thing helped me.. weirdly enough.. I'd thought about all of these questions before, but had not written much about these topics.. Maybe there will be more to come.
Love you forever,

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Hi Baby boy!

Well... things are changing in your mummy and daddy's life.. and I think you probably had a hand in it!! Thanks for sending us a precious little gift... of a brother or sister for you!!
We just found out.. and it is still very early.. but we are hoping, that in the middle of November, we will be welcoming your brother or sister.. they will even get to stay in your room!!!!
Love you so much Noah... being pregnant reminds me of being pregnant with you.. which is sad, and happy!
I love you forever!!!!

Thursday, March 5, 2009


Hi Baby Boy,
I can't beleive it is already March. In many ways this past 11 months has gone by so fast, in other ways it has gone by so slow. Depends on how I think about ti I guess.

This past few weeks have been extra hard. It's coming up to your 1st birthday, and I just don't know what to do with myself.. I want to be having a party- but I want YOU to be there.. not just a bunch of people who feel sorry for me. But I know that's impossible.

I wonder if anyone will remember your birthday? Anyone but me and your daddy, and probably your grandparents. I wish I could expect everyone too.. but I can't.

I love you Noah. as i see and smell the spring arrive, I think of you.. and things we should be doing to celebrate this time of year.
I hope it's warmer in heaven than it has been ehre the past few days
I love you to the moon and back