**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, September 24, 2010


Hi Noah Bear, 

Sometimes I think about how it's nice that I will never be upset at you, or angry at you.. I won't ever be disappointed in a choice you've made, thought your decisions weren't thought about well enough. I won't even have to tell you 'No', give you a time out, send you to your room. 
Really- I'd trade all that obviously to have you here- you could be a holy terror and I'd still rather have you here. 
But.. since you aren't, and that can't change, no  matter how hard I try.. at least you were, are and will be perfect.
Poor Charlotte- has a perfect Brother! don't worry-  I don't expect perfection from a little girl finding her place in the baby/toddler world! 

That was just on my mind this morning.
I love you baby boy
Love you forever, 

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I should be hearing 'Why?', from a little toddler about 100 times a day

Instead, I hear 'Why?', from myself about 100 times a day.

What a realization.

Why him? Why us? Why that? Why me? Why? Why? Why?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

You've Taught Me

Hi Noah, 
I was thinking while I was driving today that you've taught me a lot- mostly indirectly- but many of these things, because of you, I have learned- or I have at least realized throughout the past 29 months.

You've taught me:
-how precious and fragile life can be.
-to be easier on myself 
-that what other people think doesn't really matter
-that some friends really weren't friends
-that no matter how hard I try, I'm not in control my life, or anyone elses. 
-that your Daddy is the best Daddy to you and your sister
-that love is a precious thing, that should be cherished.
-that stuff isn't as important as people, feelings and time
-that the little interruptions and disappointments in life don't matter much
-that everyone has a tragedy in their life, if we'd only stop to listen, or ask
-that generally, people aren't good listeners
-that being a Mummy to a baby who isn't here is really tough.. but, 
-that being a Mummy is the most wonderful thing in the world- baby here or not.
-that the sun rises and sets each day, no matter what we do
-to make the best out of my life
-that places aren't where you are- instead you are everywhere and everything
-that children are worth living for
-that memories are worth a lot 
-family matters and I depend on them probably more than I should

There's so much more, You've taught me a little about everything. Everything I do is shaped because of you- your life, your death.

I love you baby boy. Love Love Love

Love you forever, 

Friday, September 10, 2010


Dear Noah Bear, 

I love you.. so, so, so, so much. 
We visited you on the weekend! Your stone looks nice, all shiny- and your flowers are still growing nicely. Grammie put a cute froggie solar light there too!  Daddy and I miss you so much!  

In the future, we won't be able to visit you as much at the cemetary.But you know that that's ok- because you know that the cemtary isn't the only place where you are. NOPE-  you are everywhere- you are in the laughs of your sister, you are in the leaves of the trees falling towards the ground, you are in the rising  sun and the shining moon. But most of all- you are in my heart. You will always be in Mummy's heart- no matter what happens, no matter who happens. Always. 

Mummy, and Daddy and Charlotte are moving to Newfoundland. It's a big move, and maybe even a risky one. It's a move that Daddy and I have been talking about for 9 years. it's been a long time coming. Once Mummy's family moved to Ontario in 1993 I just assumed I would never live in Newfoundland again- then, once I feel in love with a mainlander (that's your daddy) I really knew I'd never live in Newfoundland again. It was sad- but your daddy is worth it! 
Then.. Daddy and I took a road trip a long, long time ago- a road trip to Newfoundland so that Daddy could meet my extended family and see this land that I had been marveling about. it was winter- the weather was bad, the roads were bad, and we didn't even see any moose- even though Daddy was constantly on the look out. But.... Daddy fell in love. Daily while we were there, and at least weekly after he talked about Newfoundland- the people, the food, the land, the pace of life, the history and culture.  Mummy began to realize that it wasn't just me who had a longing in the back of my brain... it was Daddy too. 

Charlotte is little, Mummy isn't working, and Daddy doesn't love his job- Brampton is becoming more and more violent (or maybe we are just noticing it more because of you and Charlotte). We've been talking about taking this risk for years- we've never done it because there has always been something holding us back. But we're doing it. We're going to move to Newfoundland. Pack up and go. it will be hard- it many ways- but it will be worth it, and we'll be together, so that's all that matters!

It's very sad for your Grammie and Grampie. I am not sure that they understand our reasoning for going, nor if they support us in going- all I know is that they are sad. Of course they are- they won't get to see Charlotte quite as much- which is a sad thing- I know that would make me sad too. I think (and hope) that in time they will realize that this is the right decision of our little family, but for now- sadness is what it is.  

I love you my little mini monkey. I miss your top lip, your long fingers and your hairy ears! 
I so wish that you were here with us-- that we were making this move with 2 living children- 2 children that everyone could see and everyone would acknowledge- but instead- you'll just have to travel in my heart.  How about that little guy?!

Love you forever, 

Friday, September 3, 2010

I wish I knew...

Hi Baby Bear,

I love you.
Do you know that?
I know I tell you often, But...
Do you feel it?
Can you feel it?
I wish I knew.

Your little sister is asleep right now, her tiny self on a big huge king sized bed, in a hotel room. Our floors are being redone after a flood in our house, and so, we had to move out because we wouldn't have access to a bathroom at our place- and that could be disastrous!

We're going to Kingston this weekend for Mummy's birthday. We go to Kingston most Labour Day weekends. Should be fun! Hopefully Grammie's pool is nice and warm- the weather has been hot lately- although I think it's supposed to rain this weekend- so we might be stuck inside most of the time!

I love you baby boy.
I love you forever,