I think since Noah died I've done a lot more 'thinking', a lot more 'day dreaming', a lot more wondering, reliving, what if-ing....
Sometimes I wonder just how much I've changed, and how I've changed.
I am I, and so, I don't know! Well, that's not entirely true- I know I've changed a bit- In some ways I'm much more compassionate, and in some ways, I just don't give a damn anymore.
I wish I was in the minds of those who knew me before and after Noah's short life... I wish I knew how I've changed.
It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall of a conversation between colleagues at my old place of work, or between family members when I'm not around.
I think I've learned to just zone out when something triggers a 'bad day'. It's like I have desensitized myself, taught myself to 'be normal', by just not feeling.
And this isn't all the time- beleive me I have some awfully bad days sometimes. bad days that probably look bad to anyone who has the unfortunate luck to grace my path on that day.
But often- I just... go blank, zone out.
I don't want to. I've learned it's good to feel.
Often I hear other people bad news- and I'm completly desensitized- sure I feel sad for them- or at least I know I should.
Maybe this wonderful community I have had the unfortunate experience of being a part of (the BLMs) are all this way in my stage of grief.. I don't know.. but it's weird.
I'm not even sure I'm making sense. I guess it is that, most days, I don't feel the major highs and lows of emotion- I think it's that I don't let myself. I just stay 'even keel Jane'... low reaction, low excitment.. just blah.
Is it weird?
Do you guys feel this way sometimes too?
Dearest Noah Bear
I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.
You are the bestest little boy in Mummy's eyes- always and forever my first baby, the one who made me a mother. The boy who has a piece of my heart!
Love you forever,
Gymnastics -term 2
2 months ago