**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Sometimes I wonder

I think since Noah died I've done a lot more 'thinking', a lot more 'day dreaming', a lot more wondering, reliving, what if-ing....
Sometimes I wonder just how much I've changed, and how I've changed.
I am I, and so, I don't know! Well, that's not entirely true- I know I've changed a bit- In some ways I'm much more compassionate, and in some ways, I just don't give a damn anymore.
I wish I was in the minds of those who knew me before and after Noah's short life... I wish I knew how I've changed.
It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall of a conversation between colleagues at my old place of work, or between family members when I'm not around.
I think I've learned to just zone out when something triggers a 'bad day'. It's like I have desensitized myself, taught myself to 'be normal', by just not feeling.
And this isn't all the time- beleive me I have some awfully bad days sometimes. bad days that probably look bad to anyone who has the unfortunate luck to grace my path on that day.
But often- I just... go blank, zone out.
I don't want to. I've learned it's good to feel.
Often I hear other people bad news- and I'm completly desensitized- sure I feel sad for them- or at least I  know I should.
Maybe this wonderful community I have had the unfortunate experience of being a part of (the BLMs) are all this way in my stage of grief.. I don't know.. but it's weird.

I'm not even sure I'm making sense. I guess it is that, most days, I don't feel the major highs and lows of emotion- I think it's that I don't let myself. I just stay 'even keel Jane'... low reaction, low excitment.. just blah.

Humm..  weird.
Is it weird?
Do you guys feel this way sometimes too?


Dearest Noah Bear
I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.
You are the bestest little boy in Mummy's eyes- always and forever my first baby, the one who made me a mother. The boy who has a piece of my heart!

Love you forever,


Dana said...

Oh my gosh, I could have written this! I have had so many of the same feelings.

Krista said...

I don't see you enough to say for certain what is different. Here is what I have noticed:
I think you were a very compassionate person before. I'm not disagreeing with what you say - if you feel more compassionate, then you're more compassionate. I just remember observing in high school that you were a very compassionate young woman.

I notice you smile less easily, and your smiles were less joy-filled. You have started to show the same joy-filled smiles now that Charlotte is here. It's good to see again. Did you know that your your full smile can truly light up a room?!

That's what I've noticed. And it's good to see Charlotte bringing you and Matt such joy.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh yep, I also could have written this myself. I too would be keen to hear what my friends had to say.

Rebekah said...

I've really been feeling this way in the past month. I just feel so numb to everything.

Eye-shuh said...

Im sorry for you. :/
I know your feeling.
I just let it happen, those shifts... the blankness, for me its a lot of the feeling of whats really happening, or has and whats not or hasn't becoming indistinguishable.
<3 Good luck. just let it be... it will do what it does.. feel love all that you possibly can.

-Isha Ethera ♥