**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cole and Breanna have new brothers!

Hi baby Boy!

You know those little tiny twins you play with in the stars- well, there Mummy and Daddy had  new brothers on Sunday! There names are Reece and Matthew. The are very tiny, and came a little too early- but so far- they are doing ok. Send down some wonderful vibes for them and their parents please!

it will be nice to have two more friends for your sister!

Love you forever,

Monday, October 26, 2009


MUAH- that's a big, huge kiss for my little bear.
I love you Noah.... I love you more than I ever thought was possible to love anyone.
Love you forever, 

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Mummy for the 2nd time

Good morning my little man, 

Mummy is sitting downstairs on this Sunday morning- the TV isn't plugged in, because Daddy has been busy this weekend doing the baseboards- Daddy is still sleeping right now- the kitties are walking around, and your Casey -dog is upstairs with Daddy getting as much sleep as he can. 
In some ways- it is nice to be down here alone- just talking to you- reading other people's blogs, listening to the sounds of cars passing by the street, and the furnace kick in and out. but in some ways- it is so sad... if you were here- you'd be 18 months old- my guess is that you would be up and I wouldn't be on this darn computer- I'd be playing with you, making you breaky, taking your dog for a walk with you- bundling you up to go to the park- or making fun plans on how to wake up daddy- i figure tickles and hugs work best! 
All of these 'ifs' that won't even happen. 
It will be weird to be a mum again.. I know I am your Mummy, and I wll always be your Mummy.. but people here on earth, especially ones who don't know me, or who don't get this life at all- they don't get that I am already a Mummy.  It will be hard for me, Noah, to raise your sister- knowing that she is my second beautiful baby- but also doing everything for the first time- other than the stuff that happens in the first two days. I have a child- but.. I've never brought one home... this will be very emotional for Mummy.. I'm pretty sure she won't know what to do with herself!!I know Charlotte will be a girl, and she will be different than you- BUT.. everything will remind me of you, my guess is, even more than it does now.. she will have her own beautiful smell, as you did- but holding her will remind me of you, all the things I will hopefully get to do with her will remind me of what I didn't get to do with you. 
Others are so excited about your sister- and don't' worry- so am I!!  but- I think so many are so excited because having Charlotte will 'bring my joy back', or 'make me happy again', or 'help me get through life without you'..... none of this will happen without my 'Cherry on top'  (that's you by the way!).Sure Mummy will be happy, she is now a lot of the time, you know that... but having Charlotte will not change anything about how I feel about you, how I miss you, or how I love you. I guess people will be happy that life around me will be less awkward for them... less talking about a dead child - no one wants to talk about that, now really- because there will be someone else to talk about... less awkwardness when deciding whether or not I get invited to a baby shower, less awkwardness when they are around me and I get asked how many children I have, or if this is my first pregnancy, less awkwardness altogether. They can call me a Mum without second guessing themselves, they can talk about their babies and children without feeling guarded and wondering if I am going to break down in tears, or how I am feeling inside.
little do they know- yes, it's less awkward perhaps for them- but I will get these questions and comments my entire life 'how many children do you have', 'which pregnancy is this', 'who is that child in the picture', 'why  is there a Noah on your family tree as your son? where is he?'...Charlotte will get these same questions- and over time- she will learn her own way of answering them, in a way that helps her deal with not having her older brother, in a way that helps her get through life with as much happiness yet, contentness as possible. 

It's hard having you there, and me here in the silence of our house.. it's your house to you know.
It's just hard- sometimes I hate the universe and everything that comes with it. 
Going from 26.5 pretty much perfect years to this is hard... so hard... a challenge I wasn't ready for, and was unwilling to be ready for- one that I had no choice but to accept.  I'm sorry it was you.. I'm sorry I lost you.. I'm sorry you are not here with Mummy making a plan to wake up Daddy.. I'm sorry you won't get to see your little sister grow up and be here with her as she does, I'm sorry your life was so short. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry... Mummy doesn't know what else to say anymore- I know your death wasn't my fault- but...who else is there to say they are sorry- Mummy's are supposed to make everything better..everything right.. I"m sorry I'll never be able to do that for you. 

I love you Noah- more than life itself... I will always love you- no matter what else happens in my life. 
Where ever you are, or are not- I hope you can at the very least feel the love I have for you.  

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Love you forever, 

Friday, October 9, 2009

Turkey day

Happy Thanksgiving baby boy!

Hope Nanny makes you a wonderful turkey up there with lots of yummy stuffing! That's mummy's favourite part! don't forget to eat your veggies too though!

Love you.. we will be at Grammies.
Love you forever,

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Big Brother duties

Hi Baby boy,

Well.. your little sister is on her way very soon, you must be excited! I can only imagine how excited you would have been if you were here... kissing mummy's tummy, and wanting to buy stuff for your Charlotte.
I've been thinking a lot lately about older brothers.  I  had your uncle Peter when I was little- he was a great big brother- he read to me, played with me, helped change my diapers- then, when I got a bit older- he made me feel safe at school, he threatened kids who bullied me, he comforted me at my granddaddies funerals... sure- he was sometimes a big brat- and did some annoying things too.. but he was there- a big brother protector for his little sister- whom he loved, and still loves.
I'm sad sometimes that you will not be able to do all that for Charlotte- she will have an older brother- obviously- who loves her from afar and will protect her from afar- but what about the bullies, and the kids who throw rocks at her, and her first day of kindergarten... what about the diaper changing and reading... what about the long talk- and even the annoying brat like behaviour of beheading Barbie dolls... I'm sad that you and her will miss all that... she has a big brother.. but an 'invisible' big brother.. a big brother, who will not be seen by others- only talked about with the highest of praise- because of course- you are perfect- you never had a chance to do wrong.... .. I hope it won't be too hard for Charlotte... having a big brother.. but not.. all at the same time.. I know it is hard for some younger siblings that I have met, whose only sibling had passed away.  I imagine there will be times when she just wishes we didn't have to talk about you and you could just be here... those times are constant for Mummy.

Anyway... that's been on my mind a lot latly... big brother duty.. and how it will be so different for her than it was for me, and than it is for most others.
I'm sorry you aren't here to be a wonderful, bratty, annoying and protective big brother.. I'm sorry that's been taken from you.
Protect her from a far..

Love you forever,