**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Mummy for the 2nd time

Good morning my little man, 

Mummy is sitting downstairs on this Sunday morning- the TV isn't plugged in, because Daddy has been busy this weekend doing the baseboards- Daddy is still sleeping right now- the kitties are walking around, and your Casey -dog is upstairs with Daddy getting as much sleep as he can. 
In some ways- it is nice to be down here alone- just talking to you- reading other people's blogs, listening to the sounds of cars passing by the street, and the furnace kick in and out. but in some ways- it is so sad... if you were here- you'd be 18 months old- my guess is that you would be up and I wouldn't be on this darn computer- I'd be playing with you, making you breaky, taking your dog for a walk with you- bundling you up to go to the park- or making fun plans on how to wake up daddy- i figure tickles and hugs work best! 
All of these 'ifs' that won't even happen. 
It will be weird to be a mum again.. I know I am your Mummy, and I wll always be your Mummy.. but people here on earth, especially ones who don't know me, or who don't get this life at all- they don't get that I am already a Mummy.  It will be hard for me, Noah, to raise your sister- knowing that she is my second beautiful baby- but also doing everything for the first time- other than the stuff that happens in the first two days. I have a child- but.. I've never brought one home... this will be very emotional for Mummy.. I'm pretty sure she won't know what to do with herself!!I know Charlotte will be a girl, and she will be different than you- BUT.. everything will remind me of you, my guess is, even more than it does now.. she will have her own beautiful smell, as you did- but holding her will remind me of you, all the things I will hopefully get to do with her will remind me of what I didn't get to do with you. 
Others are so excited about your sister- and don't' worry- so am I!!  but- I think so many are so excited because having Charlotte will 'bring my joy back', or 'make me happy again', or 'help me get through life without you'..... none of this will happen without my 'Cherry on top'  (that's you by the way!).Sure Mummy will be happy, she is now a lot of the time, you know that... but having Charlotte will not change anything about how I feel about you, how I miss you, or how I love you. I guess people will be happy that life around me will be less awkward for them... less talking about a dead child - no one wants to talk about that, now really- because there will be someone else to talk about... less awkwardness when deciding whether or not I get invited to a baby shower, less awkwardness when they are around me and I get asked how many children I have, or if this is my first pregnancy, less awkwardness altogether. They can call me a Mum without second guessing themselves, they can talk about their babies and children without feeling guarded and wondering if I am going to break down in tears, or how I am feeling inside.
little do they know- yes, it's less awkward perhaps for them- but I will get these questions and comments my entire life 'how many children do you have', 'which pregnancy is this', 'who is that child in the picture', 'why  is there a Noah on your family tree as your son? where is he?'...Charlotte will get these same questions- and over time- she will learn her own way of answering them, in a way that helps her deal with not having her older brother, in a way that helps her get through life with as much happiness yet, contentness as possible. 

It's hard having you there, and me here in the silence of our house.. it's your house to you know.
It's just hard- sometimes I hate the universe and everything that comes with it. 
Going from 26.5 pretty much perfect years to this is hard... so hard... a challenge I wasn't ready for, and was unwilling to be ready for- one that I had no choice but to accept.  I'm sorry it was you.. I'm sorry I lost you.. I'm sorry you are not here with Mummy making a plan to wake up Daddy.. I'm sorry you won't get to see your little sister grow up and be here with her as she does, I'm sorry your life was so short. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry... Mummy doesn't know what else to say anymore- I know your death wasn't my fault- but...who else is there to say they are sorry- Mummy's are supposed to make everything better..everything right.. I"m sorry I'll never be able to do that for you. 

I love you Noah- more than life itself... I will always love you- no matter what else happens in my life. 
Where ever you are, or are not- I hope you can at the very least feel the love I have for you.  

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Love you forever, 
Mummy

3 comments:

Akul's mama said...

This is so beautiful. When Akul was in my arms and we were waiting for him to go, I promised him that I would never love anyone as much as I loved him again. I do not know about the future but right now I don't. I have a feeling that all my life, no matter what happens - Akul will be my first born and will remain the love of my life.

Beth said...

oh jane. i want our little cherries back. what is an ice cream sundae without the cherry?? i love ice cream sundaes. they are amazing and wonderful and yummy. i always eat the cherry first. i love the cherry. the cherry first.. kathlyn and noah, and akul.. they were first. no matter how good the rest of the sundae, if the cherry is missing first, it's just not the same.

Rebekah said...

It is so hard. Now that I'm pregnant again everyone else seems to pretend as though nothing ever happened. While I'm looking forward to getting to do mom things no one will ever replace Levi- and I know I'll be a different mom now because of him.