**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Big Brother duties

Hi Baby boy,

Well.. your little sister is on her way very soon, you must be excited! I can only imagine how excited you would have been if you were here... kissing mummy's tummy, and wanting to buy stuff for your Charlotte.
I've been thinking a lot lately about older brothers.  I  had your uncle Peter when I was little- he was a great big brother- he read to me, played with me, helped change my diapers- then, when I got a bit older- he made me feel safe at school, he threatened kids who bullied me, he comforted me at my granddaddies funerals... sure- he was sometimes a big brat- and did some annoying things too.. but he was there- a big brother protector for his little sister- whom he loved, and still loves.
I'm sad sometimes that you will not be able to do all that for Charlotte- she will have an older brother- obviously- who loves her from afar and will protect her from afar- but what about the bullies, and the kids who throw rocks at her, and her first day of kindergarten... what about the diaper changing and reading... what about the long talk- and even the annoying brat like behaviour of beheading Barbie dolls... I'm sad that you and her will miss all that... she has a big brother.. but an 'invisible' big brother.. a big brother, who will not be seen by others- only talked about with the highest of praise- because of course- you are perfect- you never had a chance to do wrong.... .. I hope it won't be too hard for Charlotte... having a big brother.. but not.. all at the same time.. I know it is hard for some younger siblings that I have met, whose only sibling had passed away.  I imagine there will be times when she just wishes we didn't have to talk about you and you could just be here... those times are constant for Mummy.

Anyway... that's been on my mind a lot latly... big brother duty.. and how it will be so different for her than it was for me, and than it is for most others.
I'm sorry you aren't here to be a wonderful, bratty, annoying and protective big brother.. I'm sorry that's been taken from you.
Protect her from a far..

Love you forever,


Akul's mama said...

I am really sorry that Charlotte will miss out on having an older brother and I am also very sorry that charlotte's mom does not have her precious son in her arms to love and hug.