**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Her Necklace

Dear Noah,

Charlotte is 4 now. Although if you ask her, she would probably tell you she is '4 and a half and 3 weeks'. She growing up so fast. She is at a stage where, I think her little mind is really trying to figure out about you, Noah.  We have always been open and honest with her. YOu are part of our family, and in as many ways as we can, we include you- there are photos around our home, you have a scrapbook, your frog comes with us on trips and in photos, we speak about you very often. She knows you are not here, and are not coming back. She thinks of you when she sees white butterflies and rainbows, she asks most times when we pass a cemetery 'Is that where brother Noah lives?'

The other day, we were getting out of our car after being away somewhere for the day. Charlottes little friend fro across the street came over to greet her. it was a nice greeting! Then the little ones said- 'Charlotte, What does your necklace say?' , and charlotte went on to have a big conversation- one where I think the little girl was a little bit confused, but it helped me realize that Charlotte really does have a grasp on what she is missing by missing you.

The very one sided conversation went something like this:

L- "What does your necklace say'
C- 'Oh, It says 'BIG SISTER'. Because I'm Spencer's big sister. But I could have one that says little sister too, because I"m a little sister too, did you know that?' - Stopping for breath but not long enough for L to answer. "Ya, I was almost a little sister too, i had a big brother, who was only a baby, named Noah, but he died, because he was sick, he had a disease in his tummy.  So I almost got to have a necklace that says little sister, but at least I'm a big sister, and Spencer is still here'.
L- 'Huh?, Ok… Wanna play on your swings?'

Broke my heart and made it swell with pride all at the same time.

She's such a good girl… she's a strong girl.
Noah is lucky to have her as a little sister, just as Spencer is lucky to have her as his big sister.

Love you forever Noah,

Thursday, March 6, 2014


Baby boy, 

Every March since you were born and died has been so hard. I've said it before, but I think the lead up to your birthday is much harder than the actual day. March has always been a time when I wonder... Day dream.. Play the 'what if' game with myself. 
You'd be getting ready for your 6th birthday party. 
Playing in the snow
Making some good friends in kindergarten
Picking out some green clothes to wear for St. Patricks day
Batting your beautiful eye lashes at me while you ask for some sort of superhero figure for your birthday.

I see you in your little brother, and I feel you too.  The way the light hits his face as it shines in the window. The way he looks at me, with wonder and contentment. The way he falls asleep in my arms, like he can't get close enough. 
He is a good boy, and a curious, active boy, he loves life and I think will be the type of little boy who will live life for the two of you! I hope he is! 

I love you Noah, 
Love you forever,