**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Noah, 
My special, wonderful first born. Today is a day that I miss you so much. Amidst the wrapping paper and chocolate, lights and turkey. Amidst the laughter of your brother and sister as they fearlessly rip open paper and boxes... You are always on my mind. 
I love you, forever. 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Over my Shoulder

Dear Noah,

Your little brother Spencer is a good, happy, lovely baby. He sleeps and eats and laughs and plays. Your sister is the bestest big sister ever. She's so wonderful with him.

Latly I've noticed something. When I am in Spencer's room, he looks in the same area of the room, towards the closet and smiles and laughs. As if he is looking at someone or something. While I'm changing his bum, when I have him in my arms.... Lately, it's anytime we are in his room.

I can't help but think... It's you!

I've always thought it a little strange, but I feel you in that room. We've moved house, even provinces since you were here. In the house we were living in when you were born your room was where I felt you the strongest.  For many months after you were gone, I would go into your room in the evening and say goodnight to you. I would go in, hold your picture and cry. Wow.. In those moments I never thought I would be in the place I am now- surviving, happy, and mother living children.

We are using many of the same baby things for Spencer as we were meant to use for you- bed sheets, clothes, wall hangings etc.  Maybe that's why I feel you in his room.

Whatever the case may be... Looking in that side of his room makes him so happy. He giggles and smiles, gets a little coy face and cuddles into my shoulder, as if someone is smiling back at him.  Yesterday he even reached out his arms towards where he was looking.

I think Spencer feels you. I think he knows that someone came before him, someone so special. When he's old enough he will learn, like your sister, about you, and your meaning in our lives, and place in our family. But for now, he'll smile at you from my shoulder.

If only babies could tell you what's on their mind... I'd love to hear abut you!

Love you forever,

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Little Regret

Dear Noah Bear, 

I miss you an extra lot today. I'm not sure why today is different. It isn't an anniversary, birthday, holiday or milestone. It's just, today, and some days are like that! 

I can help but think of all the little things I didn't get to do in those two precious days we had with each other. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that we got to do what we did, many don't even have that chance... I read you a book, sang to you, you tried to nurse, I swaddled you, I hugged and kissed you took pictures of you and looked into your beautiful eyes. 

It may seem so weird to some, But I can't help but realize.. That I don't remember what your little bum looked like. I actually don't know if it is that I don't remember, or  never actually got to look at it. I had a c-section, and so Daddy and Ama and Grammie did most, if not all of the diaper changes and clothing changes. And since babies wear diapers.. I don't think I ever got to see your bum. 

So much happened in the 48 hrs we had together, visitors, recovering from major surgery, stress over eating (or not eating), cuddles and hugs, birth registration forms, and then.... NiCu visits, hospital transfers, surgery and saying good bye. 

2 days is nowhere near long enough to do all a parent wants with their child, but it was all I had with you. 2 precious days. 2 wonderful days. 2 days of memories ingrained in my mind for all time.  
I just wish I had seen that little bum of yours.  

Parents, don't take the time you have with your children for granted. Look into their eyes, tell them you are proud of them and love them, play with them, let them discover the world around the, and don't forget to look at their little bums... They won't let you do that for long! 

I love you Noah. You made me a mother, you are a part of me, and our family always.

Love you forever, 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Halloween Rant

Well, 5.5 years into my grief journey, there isn't a lot of things that are major triggers for me. Now, don't get me wrong, Noah is thought of, remembered, honoured, and loved every day.  There are days when I am more sad than others, life is up and down, you know, like all of us, baby loss or not. 
I'm talking about things that trigger anger, frustration, really difficult days, really difficult days. 
I'm happy to say there aren't a lot of triggers anymore.. I can even finally be in the vicinity of a pregnant person, or even a baby shower, without wanting to melt away, or without wanting to let them know how wonderful that pregnancy ignorance is.. And how it can be taken away in an instant.

 But Halloween, oh Halloween. How I loath you. 

I've never loved Halloween, except the candy of course. But now it rocks me to my core. It's changed the past few years, and I don't think it is just my perception, although entirely possible, I think Halloween decor has gone way.to.far. 

What ever happened to pumpkins, jack o lanterns, black cats and smiley bats? The odd friendly ghost and witch on a broom stick? Or even a cauldron and a witches potion?  

 Now, go into any Halloween store, or even your local walmart... And it's not so innocent anymore. 
Obviously what rocks me the most are the dead baby decorations.... Yes, you read that correctly, dead baby decorations. They are there, in many varieties, zombie babies, babies with knives through them, babies with blood ozzing from their mouths, babies with bites taken out of them. Yes, I understand, they are decorations, and probably made to resemble some character from a scary movie, meant to scare or creep out guests at that upcoming Halloween party. But before you make your way out to buy one of these dead babies


 There is someone right now, in the hospital in your town,  holding their very own dead baby, but it's different, this baby came with hopes and dreams and a future they will not see a future their loving, adoring parents wanted for them. This baby is real.  There may be blood coming out of an orphise on this baby, but this time, it isn't scary like those dolls in the store, it is real, it is sad, it is oh so heart breaking. Or maybe, there are parents rocking and singing to their baby, whom they know, has only a matter of minutes, hours, or days before they can no longer rock them, or sing to them again.. Ever. 

Now imagine, just for a moment ( because I don't wish this on my worst enemy) but just imagine you are one of those parents, maybe a 6 months, a year, or two, or three after you've said good bye and buried your child.  You walk innocently into a Halloween store to get a costume for a party, only to see a mockery of a baby, oh wait not just one.. Many... And people are looking and laughing and buying. This very vision makes you want to curl up into a ball, vomit in disgust.
Or, you innocently look through your Facebook newsfeed in the days leading up to Halloween, only to see that one of your 'friends' has decided this is just the decoration they need to adorn their house. You get a pit in your stomach, you want to yell and scream... 'You came, and wept with me, you saw my dead baby, in his casket, and now, you think it's a fun, funny, cute, or creepy decoration?????' 

These people, who buy these decorations, have most likely never lost a child, or baby. 
But some are parents... What is this saying to their children, who see them laugh and spook at the site of their new 'decor'.... When next month, their teacher looses a baby, or they hear about it on the news and that very same parent has to tell that young child how sad it is, and how precious every child and baby is... But at Halloween we think dead babies are funny?
And some are teens or young adults....Who right now,  are invincible, having fun, being care free, but one day, their best friend, sister, cousin, or heaven forbid, themselves may hold their own dying baby. And then, when they are able to face celebrating  a holiday, they will unpack their Halloween storage box, and amidst the pumpkins and spiders will be this baby, a plump, dead baby replica.. And they will realize the ignorance and innocence of their younger years, and may think about just how many people they caused a very rough day, because they decided a dead baby was funny. 

It's not just dead babies. What about decorations of people hanging on nooses, of accident victims.... The list goes on, these have gone too far too. 

Ok, so some of you reading this may think... Halloween Scrooge. And maybe I am. I am willing to take that name if it means just one person, just one person, may think about what they do before they pay money for a dead baby decoration to 'frighten up' their next spooky event. 

I've held a dead baby in my arms, a real baby, my first baby, his name is Noah Curtis Godwin Lloyd, he was just about perfect in every way, except that one malformation inside his little body, which nobody knew about,  which killed him. I sang to him, and read him stories, I fed him, I loved him, I wanted him. He was adored, he is loved and he is forever missed.  Babies die, for real. It isn't funny, it shouldn't be mocked.

So please, when you are at the store looking for some decorations for that party, which you should have, it's a good idea to party! It's good for the soul! How about pumpkins, bats, black cats, spiders, orange and black things, witches on broom sticks, jack o lanterns.... But please, for the love of parents who understand what it's like to be me, leave out the pretend dead babies.  Let our children rest in peace. 


Dear Noah, 
I know this is where I write my letters to you. But this has been in my my mind latly, and I had to get it off. 
I love you my dear boy, so, so much. Thank you for visiting me in  the eyes of your baby brother, and on the wings of those beautiful white butterflies.

I love you more than words can say, 
Love you forever, 

Monday, July 8, 2013

You're in Him

Dear Noah, 

I've always felt you. You are in the trees which rustle in the breeze, you're in the giggles of small children, and the silence of my living room when the family it in bed. I  feel you always 

Your brother arrived, as planned, on April 30th. He was, and is a healthy little boy. His own little person with his own little personality coming out more and more everyday. Your sister adores him. She can't help herself but to cuddle and kiss him whenever she can. 

He is himself, a unique, wonderful boy. But you are in him. I can feel you.
He has your knowing eyes. Those eyes that you look into and see a soul. A being. A spirit. A life. A deep emotion. Those eyes that are bright and open, taking in all they can. I can tell he will be a boy who sees the good in people, and does good for people, for the world, for his family, for himself. 

I wish you had a chance to be his big brother here on earth to cuddle him and kiss him, and fight over time with him with your sister. 

Thank you for putting a little bit of you in him. So now, I can not only feel you everywhere, but I can get a glimpse of you too.  

I'll attach a few pictures of your brother, Spencer. 

I'll love you forever, Noah. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

5 Years and a lot of catch-up!

Dear 5 year old Noah,

This week was your birthday.. Imagine- 5 years! I've been thinking about that what if's lately about having a 5 year old boy, planning a birthday party for his Kindergarten class, the excitement of being 5 years old!  I so wish you were here for cuddles.

A lot has happened since I wrote last. I'm sure you know- I know I don't have to write for you to know whats happening with your people :)

Mummy is having another baby- a little brother for you and Charlotte... and.... he arrives in 3 weeks! It's been a good, but tiring pregnancy. Sometimes I don't know if it's my body telling me that 3 pregnancies is quite enough, or that I'm getting too old for this, the fact that I am chasing around a 3 year old,  or if it's the depths of grief raring it's ugly head as the anxiety of birth and the days after takes over. ... but... this pregnancy has been different! Fine, Healthy, but different.

Your brother is scheduled to arrive on a Tuesday, just like Charlotte did.

Here is Charlotte- Excited about being a big sister! 

Here is Charlotte with your memorial stone here in Newfoundland. It is in the memory garden at Bannerman Park. 

Here is your brother at a recent 3d ultrasound!

and again!
We are really excited about your brother being on his way! We can't wait. But it is also a bit bittersweet... our family will be complete after the birth of him, our last child... but... we will never have our first with us again.. we will never really be a whole family to go on vacations or take silly photos or have Saturday morning dance parties with wooden spoons and hair brushes.  

Wanna know what his name will be? Here's a photo to show you!

I love you Noah bear! I miss you so much, and wish I could have given you a big huggle snuggle on your birthday- and every day! 

Love you forever,