**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Little Regret

Dear Noah Bear, 

I miss you an extra lot today. I'm not sure why today is different. It isn't an anniversary, birthday, holiday or milestone. It's just, today, and some days are like that! 

I can help but think of all the little things I didn't get to do in those two precious days we had with each other. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that we got to do what we did, many don't even have that chance... I read you a book, sang to you, you tried to nurse, I swaddled you, I hugged and kissed you took pictures of you and looked into your beautiful eyes. 

It may seem so weird to some, But I can't help but realize.. That I don't remember what your little bum looked like. I actually don't know if it is that I don't remember, or  never actually got to look at it. I had a c-section, and so Daddy and Ama and Grammie did most, if not all of the diaper changes and clothing changes. And since babies wear diapers.. I don't think I ever got to see your bum. 

So much happened in the 48 hrs we had together, visitors, recovering from major surgery, stress over eating (or not eating), cuddles and hugs, birth registration forms, and then.... NiCu visits, hospital transfers, surgery and saying good bye. 

2 days is nowhere near long enough to do all a parent wants with their child, but it was all I had with you. 2 precious days. 2 wonderful days. 2 days of memories ingrained in my mind for all time.  
I just wish I had seen that little bum of yours.  

Parents, don't take the time you have with your children for granted. Look into their eyes, tell them you are proud of them and love them, play with them, let them discover the world around the, and don't forget to look at their little bums... They won't let you do that for long! 

I love you Noah. You made me a mother, you are a part of me, and our family always.

Love you forever, 


Sherri said...

The nurse pulled Kristen's blanket down and told me to look at her, I don't know if I would have thought to in the state I was in that night. And I'm so thankfull that she did that, so that I could see her tiny, precious, perfect body. But now that you've said this, I realise that I never saw her bum either! Sometimes it's the little missed details that we miss, as much as the big milestones we know we don't get to witness.
Hugs to you and Noah! :)

Laura Jane said...

It's all just never enough. I remember looking Jack over from front to back, and kissing all of his body, knowing I could never do that again after that day. But it *still* doesn't seem like enough. How could it ever be enough when what you wanted was to change that little bum multiple times every day for years and years? :(

Such a beautiful boy. I'm so sorry he's not here.