**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Over my Shoulder

Dear Noah,

Your little brother Spencer is a good, happy, lovely baby. He sleeps and eats and laughs and plays. Your sister is the bestest big sister ever. She's so wonderful with him.

Latly I've noticed something. When I am in Spencer's room, he looks in the same area of the room, towards the closet and smiles and laughs. As if he is looking at someone or something. While I'm changing his bum, when I have him in my arms.... Lately, it's anytime we are in his room.

I can't help but think... It's you!

I've always thought it a little strange, but I feel you in that room. We've moved house, even provinces since you were here. In the house we were living in when you were born your room was where I felt you the strongest.  For many months after you were gone, I would go into your room in the evening and say goodnight to you. I would go in, hold your picture and cry. Wow.. In those moments I never thought I would be in the place I am now- surviving, happy, and mother living children.

We are using many of the same baby things for Spencer as we were meant to use for you- bed sheets, clothes, wall hangings etc.  Maybe that's why I feel you in his room.

Whatever the case may be... Looking in that side of his room makes him so happy. He giggles and smiles, gets a little coy face and cuddles into my shoulder, as if someone is smiling back at him.  Yesterday he even reached out his arms towards where he was looking.

I think Spencer feels you. I think he knows that someone came before him, someone so special. When he's old enough he will learn, like your sister, about you, and your meaning in our lives, and place in our family. But for now, he'll smile at you from my shoulder.

If only babies could tell you what's on their mind... I'd love to hear abut you!

Love you forever,