**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Over my Shoulder

Dear Noah,

Your little brother Spencer is a good, happy, lovely baby. He sleeps and eats and laughs and plays. Your sister is the bestest big sister ever. She's so wonderful with him.

Latly I've noticed something. When I am in Spencer's room, he looks in the same area of the room, towards the closet and smiles and laughs. As if he is looking at someone or something. While I'm changing his bum, when I have him in my arms.... Lately, it's anytime we are in his room.

I can't help but think... It's you!

I've always thought it a little strange, but I feel you in that room. We've moved house, even provinces since you were here. In the house we were living in when you were born your room was where I felt you the strongest.  For many months after you were gone, I would go into your room in the evening and say goodnight to you. I would go in, hold your picture and cry. Wow.. In those moments I never thought I would be in the place I am now- surviving, happy, and mother living children.

We are using many of the same baby things for Spencer as we were meant to use for you- bed sheets, clothes, wall hangings etc.  Maybe that's why I feel you in his room.

Whatever the case may be... Looking in that side of his room makes him so happy. He giggles and smiles, gets a little coy face and cuddles into my shoulder, as if someone is smiling back at him.  Yesterday he even reached out his arms towards where he was looking.

I think Spencer feels you. I think he knows that someone came before him, someone so special. When he's old enough he will learn, like your sister, about you, and your meaning in our lives, and place in our family. But for now, he'll smile at you from my shoulder.

If only babies could tell you what's on their mind... I'd love to hear abut you!

Love you forever,

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Little Regret

Dear Noah Bear, 

I miss you an extra lot today. I'm not sure why today is different. It isn't an anniversary, birthday, holiday or milestone. It's just, today, and some days are like that! 

I can help but think of all the little things I didn't get to do in those two precious days we had with each other. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that we got to do what we did, many don't even have that chance... I read you a book, sang to you, you tried to nurse, I swaddled you, I hugged and kissed you took pictures of you and looked into your beautiful eyes. 

It may seem so weird to some, But I can't help but realize.. That I don't remember what your little bum looked like. I actually don't know if it is that I don't remember, or  never actually got to look at it. I had a c-section, and so Daddy and Ama and Grammie did most, if not all of the diaper changes and clothing changes. And since babies wear diapers.. I don't think I ever got to see your bum. 

So much happened in the 48 hrs we had together, visitors, recovering from major surgery, stress over eating (or not eating), cuddles and hugs, birth registration forms, and then.... NiCu visits, hospital transfers, surgery and saying good bye. 

2 days is nowhere near long enough to do all a parent wants with their child, but it was all I had with you. 2 precious days. 2 wonderful days. 2 days of memories ingrained in my mind for all time.  
I just wish I had seen that little bum of yours.  

Parents, don't take the time you have with your children for granted. Look into their eyes, tell them you are proud of them and love them, play with them, let them discover the world around the, and don't forget to look at their little bums... They won't let you do that for long! 

I love you Noah. You made me a mother, you are a part of me, and our family always.

Love you forever,