Wonderful, HeartBreaking Moment

Dear Noah,

Today is Mummy's birthday. I'm 30. It's funny, because when I was little, 30 seemed so, so, so old. It seemed as if when you are 30 your life is almost over. When I was little I felt like all 30 year olds had life all figured out, their plans had been made and fulfilled. My plan was to have finished having all of my family by the time I was 30. Who knows, maybe I am finished. We'll have to see what the next few years bring for Mummy's aging, and fertility - challenged womb.  I guess 30 means I am all grown up. Somedays I really don't feel like it- and other days, I feel like I have aged enough in the past few years that I should be a 70 year old women.

I wanted to tell you about a moment I had with your sister the other day. We were playing in her playroom (you would love it! it's cat in the hat themed- with yellow walls, and all the books, toys and craft supplies you would ever want.)  We were playing with Charlotte's babies, because right now, she loves babies. Mummy had her locket on that Grammie gave me soon after you died. Charlotte loves necklaces, so she was playing with it while it was on Mummy's neck. I said 'gentle' and so she started to rub the locket instead of pulling on it (your sister is slowly learning to be more gentle!! it's taken a while!)
Then she said 'see, see', which means she wants to see something more closely.
So I opened up the locket

Charlotte said 'E', which means Baby

and I said ' yes, That's Noah. '

'NoNah' said Charlotte (which is what she calls cousin Norah, so I'm not sure if she thought you were Norah or not!)

Then I said 'Brother Noah'

and Charlotte said 'Buffa', gave your picture a kiss, and said  'awwww, Buffa'.

This melted Mummy's heart, and broke it at the same time.  I want her to know you and love you, she will know you and love you. But I so, so want things to be different. I want her to KNOW you , really, and truly know you- play with you, argue with you, play games with you... This was a perfectly, wonderful, yet heartbreaking moment.

Charlotte is young, very young. She isn't going to understand about you, her brother, for a while yet.  But I will keep talking to her about you for now, ad forever- at her level, to  help her understand that you were here, you are with us, and you are loved.  Loved like any other brother or sister than may grace us with their precious presence.  Loved, like she is loved- without all the same cuddles, and kisses.

I love you Noah.
Forever and ever, and ever, and ever- you are my baby boy!

Love you forever,
Mummy

I wonder... and the cemetery

Dear Noah,

My sweet, sweet boy.

It's been a while since I've written.  It's not because you're forgotten. You'll never be forgotten.

I"m glad you'll never need to know about grief, Noah. You'll never have to feel the pain, and loneliness, you'll never have to experience the awkwardness from 'friends' and the bittersweet feeling of many things that follow.

Grief changes, all the time. At the beginning, it was just so strong- all I could think about- all I could focus on- all I was.
Now, I'm still grieving, I always will be. But it's different.It comes in waves- sometimes unexpected waves. I'm always thinking about you- but sometimes- the thoughts still overwhelm me. I could be playing tea party with Charlotte, or getting dinner prepared, we could be at the park, or driving in the car. The why and what if questions appear. But mostly, lately- the 'I wonder's'. I wonder what you'd be like? what you'd look like? what would your temperament be? what would be your favorite toy? would we be in the same life stage as we are now as a family?
Answers to these questions, I will never know. Yet, I know, that I will never stop asking them. No- I don't ask them out loud. They are in the busy space in my head- circling around while I am trying to get by with my days. They are always there- waiting to be answered- but knowing they never will be.
It's almost like an evil game my brain is playing. However- not so evil- because it does mean I'm thinking of you.

We were in Ontario a for a couple of weeks. It was great to be there. First we went to Kingston to visit with Grammie and Grampie and other family and friends, and then we went to Mississauga to visit friends we made while we lived in there.

It was nice to visit the cemetery and your tree again.  Your Grammie is keeping up your spot at the cemetery very well, and your tree- well it keeps up itself!
Being at the cemetery is almost like an out of body experience for me. I don't feel like I get overwhelmed with emotions there, I just sort of feel empty. I"m not sure if this is normal. Maybe I've distanced myself because of the physical distance, that I've always had from the cemetery- but I think the most likely reason is that in order to save myself from going into the deep dark whole of thinking about the physical remains of the boy in the ground beneath my feet- my brain chooses to save itself- and think of the happy memories- his beautiful eyes, skin and hair. My brain chooses to look at the stone and clean it, to make sure it hasn't shifted or sunk, to look at the grass....  I don't want to think of Noah as a dead boy in a casket, doing as all dead bodies do. In reality I understand, of course, that this is the case- I"m not insane, or stupid. I just know that the more I think about this, the less time I'm honouring his life by thinking about him as himself- as the spirit of him.
I'm not sure if this makes sense. Perhaps the cemetery is supposed to be a place that makes you sad, and brings back those thoughts. I think my mind does a good job of sheltering me from the big black whole of depression.

Noah- I think we were with us on vacation.
There were things all around- some I noticed and some others noticed.
I saw a lot of little while butterflies (or maybe moths, I'm unsure) on my trip. One of the was flying around your tree and Hope, Avery, Charlotte and I were there.  I saw a rainbow more than once- and it hardly rained. I felt comforted when I was alone- was that you making me feel loved? At the carnival in Brampton, there are thousands of little stuffed animals that are given out to children who play games. Avery and Charlotte didn't get any- because they aren't old enough to realize they get them, and we have ENOUGH stuffed animals!!... but... Leah, the little girl whose family puts on this free carnival in memory of her Brother, Lucas, came over, and gave Charlotte and Avery a little mini frog to play with. Leah doesn't know that frogs remind us of you. Isn't it amazing how you show up.
 I hope you continue to do it.
and I hope I continue to notice.

Charlotte and I visiting the cemetery

Your little g-raf made by Uncle Steve, your picture, and the figure from Rome from Ama and Poppy. 

Charlotte using your stone as a car track.... that's ok right?

Your tree- looks so nice and bright and red compared to the green around it!

can you spot the butterfly Mummy put in the tree last year?

Charlotte running around your tree. 

I love you Noah. 

I love you so, so much. 

I'll never be a princess, not all my wishes will ever come true without you.

Love you forever, 

Mummy

A 'What if' Day

Dear Noah,

I love you, my boy.

I love you so very much  that the world does not have enough words to describe it.

It's that love that makes the pain so hard.

More love = more pain, I think.

Mummy is home today with your sister. I love being home with her, playing with her, watching her drink her milk, and fall asleep in my arms.

But, I'm having a 'What if' sort of day.
What if- you were here?
What if you hadn't died?
What if... What if... What if...

I love you baby boy. Yesterday, today and tomorrow too.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Grief is Hard

Grief is Hard.

I don`t really notice how hard it is much anymore, since it is my normal state.

But it`s hard. 

Nothing is the same.

Everything is different. 

There are many times when 1000 thoughts and scenerios go through my head. At least once a day I just wish I could talk freely and openly about Noah. But- rarely is it `the time, or the place`. 

I want people at my new job to know me- but they don`t know the true real me. What shapes me, makes me who I am. Why I am the one who doesn`t join in on conversation discussing how much life was so GREAT before children.  I`m sure, at some point, I will tell those who I become close to at my work. I will have to. 

Even blogging is different. 

I`m just not into it as much anymore.  I love to write to Noah, and to write random posts- for myself. It used to help me- it use to be an outlet for me. It still is to a certain extent. But I`ve been feeling more and more latly like I just can`t write what I`m feeling. Like... when I have a need to write a post, I don`t have the time, and when I have the time... I don`t have a post. 

I guess maybe this is a sign that I am able to deal with my grief in a different way, or that I have less occasion where I need an outlet. I suppose this is a good thing.

But I miss it. I miss pouring my heart out.. being true to myself through writing... feeling close to Noah through my writing. I miss the comments....

I just miss my son. 

and there`s nothing I can do about it.

Noah, 

I love you so, so, so much. You are forever my baby boy, and I will love you forever. 

You are Special. You are loved. 

Love you Forever, 

Mummy

Kindergarten

Dear Noah,

Since Thursday, I've had an awful feeling in my tummy- something I need off my chest- something I can only say to you- and, this is the only way I can say it.  Other Baby Loss Mama's will understand, I think..

I've taught a lot this week (I'm a substitute teacher). And, on Thursday, I was in a school I haven't been to a lot, in for Special Education. At one point, I was working with a student in a kindergarten class. While in the class we were helping the children finish up their Mother's Day bookmarks they had made, since tomorrow is Mother's Day here in Canada.
Then, out of the blue, the teacher asked me,  what she thought, I'm sure, was an innocent question. 'Ms Lloyd, Do you have children?'  Now, this wasn't to the side of the class, this was over a table of 10, 5 and 6 year olds.
I said, 'Yes, I do'- sometimes (not often), but sometimes, that is where the discussion ends.. but no- 'Oh, How many, and how old?'. Well what felt like 30 seconds later, but was probably only 1.5 seconds, I said '1, She's 18 months' ... ONE, one, 1.  I said 1. I rarely do that. Because I know- I feel like this. I feel like I am betraying my son- betraying my first born, betraying myself, my husband.... everything.
What was I to do? The discussion was going to go on (and did- she asked about daycare, and how she took the move etc....).  I could have said 'Two, 18 months, and 3' or 'Two, my oldest would be have been 3 and my youngest is 18 months' , but then, eventually, with the next questions, I would have had to have said something about him dying as an infant--- in the middle of a Kindergarten class.

Not that kids shouldn't hear that- because it is a reality. BUT- from a substitute teacher they just met, helping them with their mother's day bookmarks.... catching their teacher off guard... at a school where I WANT to be called back often, and I don't want to distance myself from the staff...  tricky situation.

I think I probably did the right thing for myself, at the time. Although, making myself feel this way is never right. It was what needed to be done.
I'm glad it didn't just come right out of my mouth, as ONE, I'm glad I had to think about what to say given the situation. It makes me feel a little less like I am a bad mother to Noah.

OH, the things we have to deal with, that no mother should.
It sucks. It really does.
and on the eve of Mother's Day.. I am a little off altogether- bad mood and all.

I just wish that I didn't have to feel some sense of guilt when I talk about ym children- whether I choose to omit one, or choose to tell all-- there is always some sort of guilt that I am betraying Noah, or on the other side, guilt that I am making the people I am with, or the people I am talking to see bad, sad, pity etc.

I guess I just can't win!

I love you Noah.. Sorry this wasn't a warm and cooshy letter! But you know you have my heart!

Love you forever,

Mummy



:) I may have seen a few of these faces, had I gone on to tell my true story!

Easter Frog

Happy Easter Noah!

The past few easter's have been bitter sweet for Mummy. Especially religiously.
Church and the bible talk about dying, and living again- and I know it's a special resurrection- the resurrection of Jesus Christ- not a normal human circumstance. But it still makes me sad that YOU didn't come back to Mummy. I know- you were made new in Heaven- no pain, no crying, no yucky tubes in your mouth, and no doctors poking you.. but you also don't have your Mummy. and that is sad.

This year Daddy and Charlotte and I are going to Harbour Breton for Easter. You were there when you were in Mummy's tummy- twice!  We will go visit Great Granddaddy's and Great Poppy and Nanny's grave at the cemetery there- they are all right next to each other.

Here is an Easter frog for you- I saw it and it reminds me of you- everything froggy or giraffe-like does!

I love you Noah.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Love you Forever

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.




This book gets me everytime- I've liked this book since I was a little girl and My Mummy would read it to me.
Maybe you'd be something like this little guy on the cover- being a little mischievous- but just so cute and curious!
Today we remember you- our last moments with you- that out of body experience that happened when we lost you- you were going to die- there was nothing we could do about it.

I love you Noah- thank you for being you. I love that I had 2 days with you- I'm so glad that I get to be your mum, and that I got to kiss your sweet face. It was so nice to see the love on your daddy's face, and the pride in your grandparents eyes.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Because Every 3 Year Old Loves Taco's.... right?

Dear Noah Bear,

Well- although you weren't here for your 3rd birthday- we had a little get together anyway. Daddy and I figured that it would be nice to have some people around on your birthday- to celebrate you- not to have a birthday party- but to celebrate the day that you were born, and we became parents!
We invited Auntie and Unca and Tomas, as well as Tomas' girlfriend Aria, and her Mum and Gram. and of course- our Gram came too! Grandma and Poppy would have been there too- but they are in Rome right now!
Yesterday Mummy and Daddy got 3 lots of flowers! It was a lovely surprise!

Then came dinner- we had tacos... because... well-- Mummy LOVES tacos- and she figures that every 3 year old boy must love tacos too! I'm thinking I am going to make it a thing- tacos on your birthday! it's a fun, happy meal! And.. it's easy to make- I cute all the veggies etc. the night before! Here is your little sister eating her tacos- well... the taco ingredients anyway- she is too little to figure out the whole rolling of the taco thing! 

Then- we had cupcakes! Auntie Denise made them- YUM!

After Dinner- your sister had fun with your cousin and friends- she had to work off all that cupcakeness!! 

Latly your sister is LOVING her baby doll- she puts a diaper on her, and covers her in a blanket, hugs and kisses her and pushes her in a stroller. I bet you would have been such a good big brother to your sister- and I'm sure one day, Charlotte will make a good big sister too. 

Charlotte had her froggie pj's on last night- just for you!

Peek-A-Boo!

tired after all that play and food!

and... the three grandchildren! Norah, Noah and Charlotte! 

Did you have a good birthday? I hope your little friends and your Nan and Grandfathers celebrated with you! I miss you so much Noah Bear. So, so, So, so much! 

3 years seems like a long time, but it's nothing compared to the lifetime ahead of me without you.

I love you forever, 

Mummy

Birthday Boy

Dear Noah,

It's your birthday! Your 3rd Birthday!

I"m going to try and not make this  a 'pity party' about how you should be waking me up jumping on the bed saying 'It's My birfday It's my birfday'.. opening presents, eating cake, getting whatever YOU want for dinner. I should be singing to you, and hugging you and kissing you as much as I can.

Instead, I will say.

I love you. You are forever my baby boy- but now, are my big boy too. Forever in my heart- forever alive in my heart and soul.
You are Three.
Three years ago today you made me a mother. Something I had been wanting since I was a little girl playing with dollies. No one can ever take that away from us- You made me a mother.
I love you Noah.
I love you so much.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Here you are- 3 years ago today. Still with the cream in your eyes, just welcomed to the world. You had us from this moment.We thought we'd have you in our arms forever. You are ours- and only physically are you gone. You are loved Noah. Then, Today, Forever.

Imagine

Dear Noah,

I love you baby bear. It's so hard to imagine that you are almost 3. It should be so easy to imagine.
Mother's aren't supposed to feel like this.

On a better note- I got lots of mail today! Even a card from Grammie for your birthday!

So many people love and miss you- I just wish we didn't have to do the missing.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Little Joys: Mail

Dear Noah,

Mummy just LOVES getting mail.
Really any mail- cards and letters, bills and flyers- I just love mail! It may sound weird to some, but there is some sort of satisfying part of having my name written on something that I get to open up- like a little surprise. Obviously- cards and letters, happy notes and things are so, so much more exciting then junk mail and bills, I'm not crazy. But I do love going to the mail box and finding a surprise!  From what I can remember there has been only one piece of mail that I absolutely despised getting, and that was the 'Todays Parent' magazine that arrived at my house a few days after you died. Yikes- that was a kick in the pants. Daddy, your wonderful daddy, threw the magazine in the recycling bin and called right away and cancelled the subscription- no questions asked.

I love mail, and so I try to send mail as often as I can. I try to remember to keep family updated with photos of your sister- sometimes I send cards for no particular reason at all! Of course, there are times when I forget important birthdays... but, we all do that I think!

I've been so lucky to have some friends who send me mail now and then! It's so wonderful. it seems to be that the busiest friends seem to take time to send mail.

It is at times like these, months like these that mail becomes extra special to me- a reason to get off the couch and check the mail box- something to look forward too.

What is extra special is when people send me cards and mention YOU!  I love seeing your name, hearing your name. I love when people acknowledge your existence and your presence in my life, and even in theirs! This week, I got two cards from friends- for your birthday! One was even addressed to you- something I've never had before!  What a blessing it is to get mail- to get mail that reminds me of you- to get mail that reminds me that people remember you- people who never met you, remember you- people who never met you, have been impacted by you.  Here are the two cards I've gotten- both froggie cards- which makes them extra special, and extra YOU!

 and Look! this one was addressed to you!

That is special to me, and to your daddy.  we don't have a lot to hold on to- and we certainly have nothing 'new' that was yours. So, it is so nice to get mail that reminds us of you! What a blessing it is!

These next couple weeks will be difficult. It's the third time around now- Noah's birthday, without Noah. From experience, I'm expecting the lead up to his birthday to be much worse than the actual day- but to have an overall mad, sad, lazy, depressing, angry month.

I love you Noah. I'm going to try to be a happy Mummy for you and Charlotte- but sometimes, I just can't help it.
I miss you little boy- I know you aren't a baby anymore, but you'll always be Mummy's baby boy.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Noah's 3rd Birthday - Donation Drive

Noah's 3rd birthday is just around the corner. I'm not planning a pool party, or a truck themed party for 10 little 3 year old boys, I'm not looking through the Toys R Us flyer- finding deals on what every 3year old boy wants for their birthday, I'm not trying to keep a 3 year old from being over the top hyper for a whole 2 weeks before his birthday because he is so excited.

Instead- I'm remember those two wonderful days we had together, and of course, the terrible grief that comes with what followed. 

Last year I decided that each year, around Noah's birthday- I will make a donation to a charity- one which is in memory of a baby who has died, or goes to help other children in hospital, or living with critical illnesses. Each year, I will let people know via. email, facebook and my blog what I am doing- and invite them to help me. 

Last year, I donated to Doing Good In Her Name, in memory of little Peyton Binder, Kristin's daughter. 

This year, I am donating money to an Endowment fund that has been set up in Memory of Noah! My father set up an endowment fund soon after Noah died- this Fund will eventually be a yearly scholarship. It is given through Memorial University of Newfoundland. The Fund, background of the award, and how to donate can all be found RIGHT HERE.  Tax recipts will be mailed to your home, and there is an option to donate online, or to download and print a pledge card, and send the donation by mail. If you do not want to do either, you can mail me a cheque, or paypal me money, and I can fill out a pledge card for you. 

The Noah Awards is very important to our family- and we just can't wait to get the fund up to an amount where scholorships can be given out.  Here is an excerpt from the website/brochure:

The Noah Awards are:

• The Noah Scholarship, which is awarded to a medical student, resident, or graduate student in a health related discipline, who is planning a career in a primary healthcare discipline.
• The Noah Research Award, which is awarded to a researcher in a primary healthcare discipline.
• The Noah Education Award, which is awarded to an educator in a primary healthcare discipline.

Each award winner must have succeeded through hard work and perseverance, and displayed humility and gentleness of character in approching work and life.

Financing for the Noah Awards is provided through the Noah Curtis Godwin Lloyd Endowment Fund. The fund is dependent on donations from Noah’s family as well as others who want to support primary healthcare and help us remember Baby Noah.

Will you help me? Will you spread the word? 


Here is the link again!


I understand completely that some people are not a financially able to donate- and I too understand that there are so many organizations and charities asking for money- even in the baby loss world. 


Please- continue to think of us, and pray for us- especially over the next few weeks as we celebrate our son and the day of his birth. 

Peace and Love
Hope and Rainbows


Jane

Greek Yogurt

Costco... picked up some yogurt.... automatically looked at expiry date... April 6....

What? April 6th is coming up already. Can't be. Every year at some point in March I look at something and there it is- Noah's birthday.

It's a good reminder. A reminder of so many precious moments, memories and feelings... but not enough. And these precious moments, memories and feelings are now tainted by the memories, moments and feelings from April 8th and the days following.

For some reason- April 6th catches me off guard. Every time I see it. Every.time.

Noah would be 3 years old this April 6th. I would already know how to 'walk through' the toddler years with a child- perfecting it with Charlotte. I would know what the 'terrible twos' would be like- how can they be terrible if your child's alive?

So much I wish for... so much never to know.

It's hard. But it's real.

Instead- I'll do something I can do- Hold my darling girl a little closer, make sure she knows about her big brother, and do everything in my power to keep Noah's beautiful spirit alive.

I love you forever Noah. But you already know that!

Mummy

Sometimes I wonder

I think since Noah died I've done a lot more 'thinking', a lot more 'day dreaming', a lot more wondering, reliving, what if-ing....
Sometimes I wonder just how much I've changed, and how I've changed.
I am I, and so, I don't know! Well, that's not entirely true- I know I've changed a bit- In some ways I'm much more compassionate, and in some ways, I just don't give a damn anymore.
I wish I was in the minds of those who knew me before and after Noah's short life... I wish I knew how I've changed.
It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall of a conversation between colleagues at my old place of work, or between family members when I'm not around.
I think I've learned to just zone out when something triggers a 'bad day'. It's like I have desensitized myself, taught myself to 'be normal', by just not feeling.
And this isn't all the time- beleive me I have some awfully bad days sometimes. bad days that probably look bad to anyone who has the unfortunate luck to grace my path on that day.
But often- I just... go blank, zone out.
I don't want to. I've learned it's good to feel.
Often I hear other people bad news- and I'm completly desensitized- sure I feel sad for them- or at least I  know I should.
Maybe this wonderful community I have had the unfortunate experience of being a part of (the BLMs) are all this way in my stage of grief.. I don't know.. but it's weird.

I'm not even sure I'm making sense. I guess it is that, most days, I don't feel the major highs and lows of emotion- I think it's that I don't let myself. I just stay 'even keel Jane'... low reaction, low excitment.. just blah.

Humm..  weird.
Is it weird?
Do you guys feel this way sometimes too?

Jane

Dearest Noah Bear
I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.
You are the bestest little boy in Mummy's eyes- always and forever my first baby, the one who made me a mother. The boy who has a piece of my heart!

Love you forever,
Mummy

he was here...

I just finished a statistics canada telephone survey that took 1hr and 4 minutes to complete.... and not even a mention about my son... Sure they asked how many pregnancies I've had... and how old I was when I was pregnant. But since I had to list the people living in my house, I guess the assumed  I misscarried the first pregnancy. They didn't ask me how many live births I had. I guess if you say how many living people are in the house- and you only say one child- then the other must have no made it to birth..... in their eyes.

I really wanted to jump through the phone and say- Hey Stats. Can.- babies die- my baby died- he should be here living with us in this house- you should ask me about his sleep patterns, eating, and motor skills- like you did Charlotte... but... I wouldn't know the answer- because he isn't here. But he WAS here.. He existed- but to you- that's not even worth ink- since it isn't even written down.
I don't know why this frustrated me.. but it did.
I want people to know- He was here- I birthed him, I love him, he is part of the family. He just died way too early.
I wish I knew how he ate, slept and walked, if he had ongoing medical issues, asthma, ear infections... I wish I could answer all those questions.. I guess I wasn't frustrated at the person on the other end of the phone...  I am frustrated that my life doesn't include my son, and that slowly in the world of other people, he's becoming invisible and insignificant. Frustrated that I don't know the answers to questions that every mother should know. Just plain frustrated.
Those who have been in my shoes know what I mean. Those who don't, probably don't... probably think that 'he'll never be insignificant or invisible'.. those who have been in my shoes know that ... no matter what- to the mother who is missing them- their light begins to fade in others eyes... we do everything we can to keep it burning..... but sometimes... they just aren't a part of the survey.

Jane

I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry

Dear Little Noah Bear,

It's been so long since Mummy has written.

What a whirlwind this month has been with Mummy working, and Daddy looking for work.

I've thought about you so much over the past while- wondering what you'd be up to if you were here with us.

There is only so much to write about these days. You know it all.

I love you- I miss you- I'm sorry.
I often think about writing a post- of get something on my mind that I'd love to write about.. but then.. I either fall asleep ( I get some good thoughts at night), or, I just can't bring myself to write it down. I used to write everything- good, bad and ugly.  Now that the ugly, most days, has lessened... I don't need to rant as much about things.
and really how many times can I say - I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

I could shout it from the rooftops, over a loud speaker at the mall, say it quietly in my heart, write an angry letter, or a happy note- either way it's still true. either way it doesn't change. either way people won't understand really and truly what it is to be me missing you, either way... I love you,  I miss you, I'm sorry.

No matter how often I write, You are forever on my heart and mind. You forever have a piece of my soul that is with you- lost from me- but with you. You are forever my baby boy, my first child, the little boy who made me a Mummy.
 I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

Love you forever,
Mummy