**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Wonderful, HeartBreaking Moment

Dear Noah,

Today is Mummy's birthday. I'm 30. It's funny, because when I was little, 30 seemed so, so, so old. It seemed as if when you are 30 your life is almost over. When I was little I felt like all 30 year olds had life all figured out, their plans had been made and fulfilled. My plan was to have finished having all of my family by the time I was 30. Who knows, maybe I am finished. We'll have to see what the next few years bring for Mummy's aging, and fertility - challenged womb.  I guess 30 means I am all grown up. Somedays I really don't feel like it- and other days, I feel like I have aged enough in the past few years that I should be a 70 year old women.

I wanted to tell you about a moment I had with your sister the other day. We were playing in her playroom (you would love it! it's cat in the hat themed- with yellow walls, and all the books, toys and craft supplies you would ever want.)  We were playing with Charlotte's babies, because right now, she loves babies. Mummy had her locket on that Grammie gave me soon after you died. Charlotte loves necklaces, so she was playing with it while it was on Mummy's neck. I said 'gentle' and so she started to rub the locket instead of pulling on it (your sister is slowly learning to be more gentle!! it's taken a while!)
Then she said 'see, see', which means she wants to see something more closely.
So I opened up the locket

Charlotte said 'E', which means Baby

and I said ' yes, That's Noah. '

'NoNah' said Charlotte (which is what she calls cousin Norah, so I'm not sure if she thought you were Norah or not!)

Then I said 'Brother Noah'

and Charlotte said 'Buffa', gave your picture a kiss, and said  'awwww, Buffa'.

This melted Mummy's heart, and broke it at the same time.  I want her to know you and love you, she will know you and love you. But I so, so want things to be different. I want her to KNOW you , really, and truly know you- play with you, argue with you, play games with you... This was a perfectly, wonderful, yet heartbreaking moment.

Charlotte is young, very young. She isn't going to understand about you, her brother, for a while yet.  But I will keep talking to her about you for now, ad forever- at her level, to  help her understand that you were here, you are with us, and you are loved.  Loved like any other brother or sister than may grace us with their precious presence.  Loved, like she is loved- without all the same cuddles, and kisses.

I love you Noah.
Forever and ever, and ever, and ever- you are my baby boy!

Love you forever,
Mummy


4 comments:

LauraJane said...

Aw, that moment between yourself and Charlotte is so cute. :)

Krista said...

Happy 30th Birthday, Jane. Your journey to reach 30 didn't go quite as you'd planned. But you're here, you have had 2 beautiful children, and have 1 healthy little girl with you on earth. It may not have gone as you'd planned, but you are blessed with Charlotte and Matt. And with Noah, too, though he couldn't stay.

Hope's Mama said...

Happy birthday, Jane. This broke my heart and made my heart sing at the same time.
It is so much for our little ones to take in. Hell it is so much for us to take in. All we can do is fumble along and keep speaking their names so they grow up knowing all about who came before them
Charlotte sounds so very sweet.
xo

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

What a beautiful moment! I hope you had a wonderful birthday :)

I found you through Faces of Loss. I'm hosting a blogfest for mothers who have lost infants or children. I would love it if you could join us and share your story. Thanks for your time.
-Elisa

Here's that link:
http://ecwrites.blogspot.com/2011/09/only-50-more-days-until-golden-sky.html?showComment=1317367512296#c7067417673821287452