**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A long time

Noah Bear,

It's been a long time since I posted here. Longer than I ever thought it would be. I've written- I just haven't published the posts. I keep thinking that my posts aren't 'good enough', or might be taken the wrong way, or in a different way than I intended! really- I think I care too much about what other people think.and I hate that that feeling has affected my blog- the place I used to feel so safe writing.

Christmas has come and gone- and so has 2011. It was a good year, as years without you go. Charlotte keeps us very busy, and life continues to be busy too.

All through our busy life, we don't stop remembering you, and thinking of you. Wondering, wishing, hoping.

Christmas was quite fun this year- Your sister actually understood a bit about it- she knew it was special, she knew is was fun, she loved the presents and the whole idea of santa claus. It was so nice to see her face- innocent and full of wonder, surprise and glee as she saw the Christmas tree lights, hung her stocking, say the presents under the tree, heard the Christmas crackers open at the dinner table.... but as always, there was something missing. I caught myself many times wondering how the moment might be different with you here.. with a little 3 1/2 year old running around with that precious little 2 year old. Wishing you were here to share in the joy of Christmas.

Every year since you were born your Grammie has gotten you an ornament. It's a nice tradition. She gets one for Charlotte as well.  Our tree is full of 'Noah' things- frogs and g-rafs, angels and butterflies, and now, 4 little ornaments from Grammie! Of course, there is lots of other things on the tree too.

Charlotte is beginning to learn more about you. She knows your picture, calls you Noraw (not to be confused with 'NaNa', which is what she calls her cousin, Norah).  Ama took Charlotte to a production called 'Love you Forever' where a production company acted out a few different Robert Munsch books. Ever since then, Charlotte has been obsessed with the song 'Love You Forever', whish is the song I quote everytime I close a blogspot to you. She sings it to her baby, sings it to be, and asks to be sung it at least 5 times a day. It's comforting to sing that song.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

I only wish I could be singing it with Charlotte AND you in my arms.

Merry Christmas Baby Bear

Love you forever,

Here is a not so good quality picture of the 2009 ornament from Grammie! It's a little boy angel on a candle, and it says 'sleep in heavenly peace'