**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Monday, January 17, 2011

I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry

Dear Little Noah Bear,

It's been so long since Mummy has written.

What a whirlwind this month has been with Mummy working, and Daddy looking for work.

I've thought about you so much over the past while- wondering what you'd be up to if you were here with us.

There is only so much to write about these days. You know it all.

I love you- I miss you- I'm sorry.
I often think about writing a post- of get something on my mind that I'd love to write about.. but then.. I either fall asleep ( I get some good thoughts at night), or, I just can't bring myself to write it down. I used to write everything- good, bad and ugly.  Now that the ugly, most days, has lessened... I don't need to rant as much about things.
and really how many times can I say - I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

I could shout it from the rooftops, over a loud speaker at the mall, say it quietly in my heart, write an angry letter, or a happy note- either way it's still true. either way it doesn't change. either way people won't understand really and truly what it is to be me missing you, either way... I love you,  I miss you, I'm sorry.

No matter how often I write, You are forever on my heart and mind. You forever have a piece of my soul that is with you- lost from me- but with you. You are forever my baby boy, my first child, the little boy who made me a Mummy.
 I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

Love you forever,


amy said...

Some how I have stumbled onto your blog. When I saw the name of the blog it instantly caught my attention because I, too, have a son named Noah. Therefore, I continued reading and I am so touched by what you have created. I know what it feels like to lose a child. Our Autumn Hope was born and died October 17, 2005 and the pain never leaves, but it does eventually ease just a little. I admire how you are able to share your grief. I hope one day that I may be selfless enough to do the same. May you continue your quest to heal, to remember, to love and know that one day you will see that beautiful boy again and it will be amazing.