he was here...

I just finished a statistics canada telephone survey that took 1hr and 4 minutes to complete.... and not even a mention about my son... Sure they asked how many pregnancies I've had... and how old I was when I was pregnant. But since I had to list the people living in my house, I guess the assumed  I misscarried the first pregnancy. They didn't ask me how many live births I had. I guess if you say how many living people are in the house- and you only say one child- then the other must have no made it to birth..... in their eyes.

I really wanted to jump through the phone and say- Hey Stats. Can.- babies die- my baby died- he should be here living with us in this house- you should ask me about his sleep patterns, eating, and motor skills- like you did Charlotte... but... I wouldn't know the answer- because he isn't here. But he WAS here.. He existed- but to you- that's not even worth ink- since it isn't even written down.
I don't know why this frustrated me.. but it did.
I want people to know- He was here- I birthed him, I love him, he is part of the family. He just died way too early.
I wish I knew how he ate, slept and walked, if he had ongoing medical issues, asthma, ear infections... I wish I could answer all those questions.. I guess I wasn't frustrated at the person on the other end of the phone...  I am frustrated that my life doesn't include my son, and that slowly in the world of other people, he's becoming invisible and insignificant. Frustrated that I don't know the answers to questions that every mother should know. Just plain frustrated.
Those who have been in my shoes know what I mean. Those who don't, probably don't... probably think that 'he'll never be insignificant or invisible'.. those who have been in my shoes know that ... no matter what- to the mother who is missing them- their light begins to fade in others eyes... we do everything we can to keep it burning..... but sometimes... they just aren't a part of the survey.

Jane