**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Grief is Hard

Grief is Hard.

I don`t really notice how hard it is much anymore, since it is my normal state.
But it`s hard. 

Nothing is the same.
Everything is different. 

There are many times when 1000 thoughts and scenerios go through my head. At least once a day I just wish I could talk freely and openly about Noah. But- rarely is it `the time, or the place`. 
I want people at my new job to know me- but they don`t know the true real me. What shapes me, makes me who I am. Why I am the one who doesn`t join in on conversation discussing how much life was so GREAT before children.  I`m sure, at some point, I will tell those who I become close to at my work. I will have to. 


Even blogging is different. 
I`m just not into it as much anymore.  I love to write to Noah, and to write random posts- for myself. It used to help me- it use to be an outlet for me. It still is to a certain extent. But I`ve been feeling more and more latly like I just can`t write what I`m feeling. Like... when I have a need to write a post, I don`t have the time, and when I have the time... I don`t have a post. 

I guess maybe this is a sign that I am able to deal with my grief in a different way, or that I have less occasion where I need an outlet. I suppose this is a good thing.

But I miss it. I miss pouring my heart out.. being true to myself through writing... feeling close to Noah through my writing. I miss the comments....

I just miss my son. 
and there`s nothing I can do about it.


Noah, 

I love you so, so, so much. You are forever my baby boy, and I will love you forever. 

You are Special. You are loved. 

Love you Forever, 

Mummy


5 comments:

JoyAndSorrow said...

*hugs*

LauraJane said...

I feel the same way about blogging sometimes... It helps, but not always. And I don't need it like I needed it originally... at the end of the day, my baby died and I'm all FML about it.

Shaina Gadow said...

you said it, "grief is hard" and not really anything can really change that. Somethings (like blogging) may make it feel a little easier for a little while, but overall grief sucks, especially ours, it just changes everything.

Organizing Mommy said...

hello, I am a new reader. I met your sweet, Mom, Glenda on a cruise boat we were on. She told me about you and your great blog. We had the best chat and cry over coffee in the international cafe. She was tearing up because she missed you and your family so much. We are believers in the Lord Jesus. Anyway, could you send her my blogsite? And tell her hello from Jena Webber? And I will pray for you as you grieve the loss of your precious Noah. God bless you in every way!

Ana said...

I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
http://filminginiowa.blogspot.com