Since Thursday, I've had an awful feeling in my tummy- something I need off my chest- something I can only say to you- and, this is the only way I can say it. Other Baby Loss Mama's will understand, I think..
I've taught a lot this week (I'm a substitute teacher). And, on Thursday, I was in a school I haven't been to a lot, in for Special Education. At one point, I was working with a student in a kindergarten class. While in the class we were helping the children finish up their Mother's Day bookmarks they had made, since tomorrow is Mother's Day here in Canada.
Then, out of the blue, the teacher asked me, what she thought, I'm sure, was an innocent question. 'Ms Lloyd, Do you have children?' Now, this wasn't to the side of the class, this was over a table of 10, 5 and 6 year olds.
I said, 'Yes, I do'- sometimes (not often), but sometimes, that is where the discussion ends.. but no- 'Oh, How many, and how old?'. Well what felt like 30 seconds later, but was probably only 1.5 seconds, I said '1, She's 18 months' ... ONE, one, 1. I said 1. I rarely do that. Because I know- I feel like this. I feel like I am betraying my son- betraying my first born, betraying myself, my husband.... everything.
What was I to do? The discussion was going to go on (and did- she asked about daycare, and how she took the move etc....). I could have said 'Two, 18 months, and 3' or 'Two, my oldest would be have been 3 and my youngest is 18 months' , but then, eventually, with the next questions, I would have had to have said something about him dying as an infant--- in the middle of a Kindergarten class.
Not that kids shouldn't hear that- because it is a reality. BUT- from a substitute teacher they just met, helping them with their mother's day bookmarks.... catching their teacher off guard... at a school where I WANT to be called back often, and I don't want to distance myself from the staff... tricky situation.
I think I probably did the right thing for myself, at the time. Although, making myself feel this way is never right. It was what needed to be done.
I'm glad it didn't just come right out of my mouth, as ONE, I'm glad I had to think about what to say given the situation. It makes me feel a little less like I am a bad mother to Noah.
OH, the things we have to deal with, that no mother should.
It sucks. It really does.
and on the eve of Mother's Day.. I am a little off altogether- bad mood and all.
I just wish that I didn't have to feel some sense of guilt when I talk about ym children- whether I choose to omit one, or choose to tell all-- there is always some sort of guilt that I am betraying Noah, or on the other side, guilt that I am making the people I am with, or the people I am talking to see bad, sad, pity etc.
I guess I just can't win!
I love you Noah.. Sorry this wasn't a warm and cooshy letter! But you know you have my heart!
Love you forever,
:) I may have seen a few of these faces, had I gone on to tell my true story!
Gymnastics -term 2
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