**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

I've been given an Honest Scrap award by Akul's Mama , at http://aajaakul.blogspot.com/ . Thanks!

"This award is for
bloggers who post from their heart, those who write from the depths of their soul."

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other
bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following
Beth -

10 honest things about me:

1. I am much less 'OK' than most people in my daily life think I am. For some reason I portray this image of a strong, 'with it', 'together' woman-- people do'nt realize that I'm not.

2. I wish I were younger- even though I am already young- I wanted to be finished having my children by now- and to the world, I am just beginning.

3. I don't dream about Noah- but I wish I did

4. I secretly love reality TV!... I know, I know!

5. My last truly happy day was April 7th 2008. I have come to grips with the fact that none of my days will ever be this happy, as I will never have my complete family here with me. I will never be truly complete here on earth without Noah.

6. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor... now, I'm terrified of them, and nurses, and hospitals, and any opinion they may have.

7. I could work harder at my job.

8. The past 17 months has felt so long, yet has also been a blur- which I can't escape from.

9. I hate when people ask me 'how are you feeling', in regards to the pregnancy, and then say things like 'How have the ultrasounds been', I say.. 'fine' they say, 'well, you have nothing to worrry about then- you will have a healthy baby'. It makes me want to shake them and say- Noah was thought to be 'healthy' until about 12 hours before he died in my arms.

10. blogging helps me grieve- it helps me think- it helps me be me- somewhere where people understand what it might be like to be me- somewhere where speaking of a dead baby is not taboo, and is not reacted to by turning away in awkwardness. Thank you all for that.

Well, That's that.
happy blogging everyone

Hello Baby Noah,
Another one of those blog posts that isn't a letter to you- must be confusing sometimes! But you're a smart boy, you'll figure it out!
Gramma and Grampy arrive today with Auntie Kristin.
I wish you were here to see them,
Love you forever,


Akul's mama said...

This blog may no0t be a letter to Noah but it has Noah written all over it. I feel the same as you. People think I am really strong, they think I am ok, they look searchingly into my face (the sensitive ones do) and they onloy see a smile, but I hide my grief well. I usually cry all the way back home from work because Akul is not at home waiting for me and he will never be.

Hope's Mama said...

I think we have a lot in common. I so get you on number 9.

Beth said...

thanks for nominating me... i dont know if i can come up with seven who havent been nominated already!

Beth said...

oh, and.. how could i forget? Hi, Noah!

Krista said...

You don't have to have it together. And I know just because someone looks like they have it together, doesn't mean anything. I haven't been what you've been through, but losing my cousin was one of the hardest things in my life, and I definitely empathize with some of what you're saying.

And for #9: you're right, no one can know anything. I have faith this is a healthy baby for you, but I don't know that for a fact, and I know ultrasounds and other tests only mean so much.

I am glad to get to know you a little better through this blog. I am so proud of what you've done in Noah's honour: this blog, talking about him, keeping him alive, and starting the research fellowship in his honour.

See you Sunday!