**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting- October

Are you a bereaved parent- become part of the secret garden meeting.  every month there is a question, or series of questions to write and think about. 

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 19 months, today since Noah was born. A beautiful little boy- we were so in awe, I didn't know I was able to feel such love and adoration.  But I did. Those first 24 hours were so 'normal', so wonderful, so surreal. Then, he became sick, and my world came crashing down around me.. he died within 24 hours.  19 Months later- I am doing ok most  days... if you ask friends who see me often they'd probably say Noah has changed me, but that I am fine. I am... sometimes, but I don't show when I'm not to my friends.... I don't want to hurt them, or make them sad.  I still go through moments of intense anger, sadness, denial, guilt, anxiety... moments when I am not sure that I can take it anymore, moments when I'm not sure how I got where I am... moments I"m not sure I want to be me. I think I will always have these moments... I expect it is normal?
I am 11 days away from delivering my subsequent baby, Charlotte.. a sister for Noah. It's a strange feeling. Everyone around me is so, so happy for me- that I will have a chance to 'mother' again. And so am I... but I don't think others always understand that my future is not going to be like every other mothers future.. when Charlotte cries- I am going to wonder what is wrong, when she spits up, I am going to wonder why- and if she is suffering from the same thing Noah did, when she has her first bath at home, part of me will feel sadness because Noah didn't ever get to do this, when she spends time in her crib, I will have this same feeling... it's Noahs crib, Noah's tub, Noah's high chair, Noah's bouncy chair- but Noah didn't get to use it. It will be bittersweet- I am goingto be sooo happy, I know it- but there will always be that feeling of I WISH, I WONDER... I think that is what some people don't get.  Some may think I am nuts if I randomly start crying when Charlotte does something different, or something for the first, second, third, twentyth time.... but it won't be random to me!
In terms of grief- I think I will be ok.. I have a wonderful supportive husband, and for the most part my family gets it.  My future holds some intense happiness (which I couldn't see until just a few months ago), and will forever hold that sadness- because a part of my heart is gone, and my family will never be whole here on earth-and that hurts more than most can imagine. 

Did I actually answer the question? I'm not sure! 

Noah Bear, 
I love you sweet monkey.  I miss your sweet face.
I love you forever, 


Rebekah said...

I know I'll be a different mother with this baby than if nothing had happened. I just hope this child doesn't hate me for being over protective but there's no going back and hopefully one day they'll understand.

Franchesca Cox said...

beautiful post, I am glad you are able to see that intense happiness ahead of you! So happy for you, but my heart also breaks with you. Thank you for sharing.

Jeanette said...

lovely post. I'm happy you have such happiness ahead of you, and sad with you that you will always carry such heartbreak.

Krista said...

I'm glad you can see the happiness in your near future. You'll always be influenced by Noah, both the happiness he brought you and the grief his leaving created. But I'm glad you can see the happiness that is still here for you and Matt.

Good luck next week! I will be thinking of you and praying for you on the 17th, as will many of your friends and family, and your internet friends, too! :)

Once A Mother said...

wow there was so much to this post that spoke to me, mainly the way you talk about how mothering will never be the same after loss as it is for other people. Thank you so much for sharing it.