**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Hello Baby Boy,

Tomorrow, your sister is getting baptized. It will be a good day. However, it will be a day of mixed emotions for Mummy. You were Baptized, by the same person who will baptize Charlotte-- but, you were Baptized because you were going to die- you died in mere hours after you were Baptized. So, Baptism has become a sad thing for Mummy.
Tomorrow will be different than the night you were Baptized- tomorrow will be a more joyous occasion- one where people bring presents, sing, kiss your sister, and compliment her on her beautiful white dress. Not one where people kiss me, hold me, and look at me with eyes of sympathy and disbelief.
You will be a part of tomorrow. You will be there in Spirit- Jamie (the minister) will talk about you- YOU will be honoured in front of the church, as you are in our home daily. We will talk about you- and some people will get sad- but it will build Mummy up- how could your sister be Baptized without recognising and honouring her big brother? All the other siblings get to go up to the front with the Mummies and Daddies. We'll just get to talk about you.
Charlotte will be in her white dress, a family gown-- one that has been in my possession for a long time- waiting for you to be Baptized in- but we didn't have time to get it- and I didn't want to spend any moment of the few hours I had left with you in the car driving to get a silly gown!
However, you were in a blue gown, made by a volunteer at the hospital- and you were wrapped in a knitted green blanket. A blanket that I Cherish beyond belief. If you don't mind... Charlotte will be wrapped in the same blanket for her Baptism.. and any babies that might creep there way into our lives from now on- they will too.
I hope that's ok with you. It's one of the few things that they can share with you, that can be the same.. It's one of the only things we can do the same with ALL of our children. and I cherish that.

I love you Noah.
Tomorrow will be hard. Tomorrow will be about your sister- but only a few will know-how much- it is really- about you too.

I love you forever,

The water trickled down your beautiful face
becoming more pale as the sun went down

wrapped in green, your beauty shone
Mummy and Daddy holding you, 

We told you it was ok
You could say goodbye

It was the only thing we could do for you
The only thing we had left

We could take away your pain, your fear, your sadness
By letting you go

We took on the pain, the fear, the sadness
Because it as the only thing we could do
the only thing we had left
all we had to give. 

March 20 2010