**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Insert 2 1/2 year old boy....

Hi Baby boy..

We got 'family' pictures done the other month. Family pictures- although wonderful- have always been a sore spot for me. It was one of the first things I thought of when I realized that I would never be really, truly, PERFECTLY happy again. That a family picture- will never truly be a family picture. How can it be without you here??   I am very happy right now- life is grand. But it isn't perfect- perfection doesn't come for a family after a child dies. Might seem harsh for me to say to those who haven't lost a child- but in my eyes. It's the raw truth. Our reality. You were perfect- you are perfect- but you aren't here- you died-- so how can life be perfect for me- it can't. end. of.

Anyway... Emily, the photographer knows all about you- because her little boy Kai, and Charlotte are friends! She got some great pictures with Milton, your froggy in them- not nearly as wonderful as it would have been to have you in them... but as perfect as this non-perfect family picture can get!.
How I wish I could just insert a 2 1/2 year old boy, on his daddy's back, hugging his sister, or looking at his Mummy... not any 2 1/2 year old boy though- nope- just you!

Here are some of our pictures- the ones with your froggie... Hope you love them! isn't your sister getting big?

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Love you forever,